September 01, 2004

I am not good at sharing.

I suck at sharing.
I hate to share because people touch my stuff, move my shit, do things that annoy the hell out of me with my stuff and break my pens.
Someone broke my pen. My favorite purple pilot pen. They broke the fucking clicker.
The clicker. They broke it and I am mad.
My monitor was also turned. And my chair.
I told you how I get. I know shit has been moved. grr.
I was cranky to begin with today. Really cranky and fevery and every little thing is annoying the fucking crap out of me but my pen has sent me over the edge.
Oh, it's just a pen Kat. Relax. You can get another pen.
Yes, I can get another pen but it'll get moved too and broken too and all my shit is always touched and the pen is just symptomatic of a much larger problem.
No one in this house fucking respects me and my fucking shit!!
Gee, why you look so mad today mommy?
What's for dinner mommy?
How do I fix this?
Blah blah blah, wah wah wah.
Hello?!?! Did you people not hear me fucking tell you I feel like fucking shit?!?!?!
Oh, that's right, you don't fucking care as long as you have dinner, get to play PS2 or go online. Nothing matters to you unless it suits you.
Oh, you were sick last week?
Yes, I do remember. I went out and bought medicine and cough drops and juice and kleenex and kept the house all quiet and made sure all 3 of the sickos were well taken care of and not bothered and etc etc etc but hey, no big deal right?
I'm fucking super girl!
I've only had a migraine all day and a fever of 103 all day and I still went to the store and did the fucking laundry and tried to remain as pleasant as humanly possible for all of you.
I'm fucking sick and tired of sharing and being the fucking backbone.
I get tired people. I get scared. I get massively fucking depressed and as long as the house is clean and there's food and lights and toilet paper, you could all fucking care less!!!
I'm tired dammit!
No, you can't possibly understand what I'm going through.
Yes you know that my entire left leg went numb yesterday for hours but you have no idea what that is doing to my psyche.
I'm losing my fucking ability to fucking walk!!!!
I just want to scream and yell and tell people to start taking care of themselves because Kat needs a serious mental health break from all of the responsibility.
Kat is tired and scared and would love to just curl up in a fucking ball and cry for days on end because shit is bad, real bad and I am terrified and depressed and angry and a flood of emotions from this.
But I can't just curl up and cry can I?
No I fucking can't cuz I'm the fucking mom and moms don't get a fucking break from fucking anything.
You know what will be good about getting the surgery when I do get it?
At least a week of no cleaning, no cooking, peace and fucking quiet and no answering questions and no being the super hero.
The bad?
I will come home to the house from hell with no clean anything and a bunch of people yakking at me that there's no toilet paper or some shit.

Today is a bad day people.
Kat is having a very bad mental breakdown kind of day and if one more person says that I have mood swings, I'm gonna kick some teeth in.
You want mood swings?!?! Here!! Let me fucking smash you with this big ol' 2x4 right in your fucking spine so that your life stops and you have to stay put for a long fucking time and we'll just see how far your fucking moods swing shall we?!?!

My face is in a scowl. My lips are tightly pursed but my insides are screaming for people to shut the fuck up and grow up and deal with shit and learn shit and use common sense and cook some shit and wash some shit and take out some garbage without me having to tell you! I want to scream and yell and throw shit people. I am so fucking tired. You have no idea.