September 02, 2004

Take me down from the pedestal you have placed me on.

I'm not as strong as you've made me out to be.
Just because I do what has to be done, it doesn't make me a super hero.
Stop looking to me to make you feel better.
Trying to help you makes me feel worse.
Just because I use common sense, it doesn't make me a know it all.
Stop looking to me to calm your fears.
I have nightmares of my own.
Don't ask my permission if you hate being told what to do.
Stop assuming I'm mad at you.
That just makes me mad at you.
I'm mad at a lot of things that have absolutely nothing to do with you.

You think this is easy for me to go everywhere and be everything and do everything that needs to be done.
You have no idea what this is like.
Please start thinking for yourself and taking care of your own things.
I can't fix anything for you.
I can't fix myself.
I am not in a good place.
How can I get through to you.
How can I make you see that the weight of your dependency on me is making me sink.
Things are taking a toll on me.
Your fears.
Your concerns.
Your needs.
You don't understand that my life is on hold and this infernal machine is all I fucking have that links me to the outside world.
I would love to go out and walk around and go places and do things and have fun and be the everything you need from me.
I can't.
I am sinking.
I can't pick you up when you are down.
I am weak.
I can't comfort you when you are afraid.
I am terrified.
You are sick of hearing and maybe even caring about what is going on with me and my health.
You will never know what it is like to feel the fear of losing the ability to walk.
You will never know the terror that went through me when my leg went numb.
I can't fix anything for you.
I am not the rock you think I am.
I am breaking down and you need lifting up and I can't do that for you.
I need you to pick yourself up.
I need you to do the things that need to be done without asking me.
I need you to be honest with me about how you are feeling.
I can't do anything at all if I am lied to or kept in the dark.
I need you to be rational and calm and take care of the things that need to be done for yourself.
I need you to be your own super hero.