Whas' up?
I woke up this morning with a killer migraine so after the boys left, I went back to sleep to try and kill it.
It's mostly gone now.
Mark and I had quite a long talk last night about a few things, his dad whom he now calls 'it'. The kid can't even call him dad. He read through those emails and was like how how can he keep blaming you when he is the one that starts this shit all the time. Yeah, he swore. I didn't get mad at him though because he's just a hurt kid who has an asshole for a father.
And don't tell me I should not let him read that stuff or hide it from them. I hid his behavior from them for years even going so far as to buy them gifts at xmas and stuff and sign 'love dad' on them. I stopped protecting him awhile ago.
I couldn't apologize enough.
I feel so guilty for bringing them into this world with him as their father and I know that they wouldn't be the same kids if it would have been a different man but damn, why did he have to such a breeding bastard.
He (ex) asked me in his last snotty email, how I can possibly know anything that goes on up there when I live down here.
I still have friends there, family, I know a lot of people and we stay in touch. News travels to me.
So I get to find things out without having to lift a finger.
This part of the post is brought to you by the letter 'S' and the number '6'.
Then Mark and I talked about a few other things. He is having a rough time in school. He gets good grades but he is one of those kids who just doesn't fit with any particular group and maybe it is my fault.
The other kids in his class are allowed to play video games like Grand Theft Auto and shit like that. I refuse to let them play those games. I don't like how you get to accrue points or health or whatever you get for pulling a woman out of a truck, raping her and then stabbing her multiple times. I don't think it's a game for young boys.
There are other things the boys in his class talk about and do that Mark is just not interested in. He's a geek I guess you could say. He loves Tolkien and fantasy and RPG games and this makes him sort of an outcast.
Boys can have eating disorders too ya know.
Mark does what so many girls do. No, he's not anorexic or doing the whole stuff and gag, he's comfort eating.
I have noticed his appetite and attributed it to his growing body.
He eats to hide the feelings of inadequacy and then feels even worse for eating it all and for getting fatter.
He's not a huge kid. He has a little belly. He's not a potato or even round, just not flat or toned.
It was heart pounding to hear him tell me about his days at school. How he often feels alone and hears boys in his class talk about pussy and violent games and the girls talk about rainbow parties. Yes, I thought this was a term only used on Oprah but holy fucking shit, this crap is true.
There are some girls in his class who do this and some of the boys have been on the receiving end.
And here's my son, conflicted. Here's my son being the good and moral child I raised and not talking about women like just sex objects and unable to talk about these games other kids play and feeling so alone because of it.
I have put him in this position.
I don't allow those games in my home and I have taught them that sex is not just something to do because it's there or that you can but because you love someone and you have to be responsible and wear condoms and you are too young and all that.
And here's my son conflicted.
Here's my son feeling alone and like an outcast and coming home and eating to make the loneliness feel better.
He asked me to help him lose weight. Crying and feeling so desperate to just fit in.
I told him we could get more salads and veggies and he can do some work out tapes that I have if he wanted to and I would help him as much as I could but being skinny isn't going to make you popular, it's something you have to want to do for you I told him. This has to be about you wanting a better body and not about being liked. You have to like yourself first.
He says that maybe if his body was better, he would feel better and would be able to make friends easier and shit.
Whoever said boys were easier to raise, I wanna kick you in your fucking teeth now.
Comments
{{{hugs}}} Poor Mark.. and poor you. Is there any way you can talk to his Big Brother and have him talk to Mark as well? It might also help reinforce postive values for him. Self esteem issues suck.. I've been there and done that with the eating thing. Are there any teachers he admires? Any clubs he wants to join?
Posted by: Kate | April 14, 2004 11:13 AM
Awwwwww poor kid! I know what he's going through because it's just what my daughter is experiencing minus the eating and weight gain. It's a terrible thing and I wish I knew what the answer was. *sigh* And I think you did the right thing by letting him read the emails. He has every right to know what kind of person his father is.
Posted by: Kelly | April 14, 2004 11:24 AM
I'm going to talk to his big brother about it today. I sent him off this morning with a huge hug and told him to walk proud and just be himself. I love him the way he is and we can help him get in shape. He hugged me and left. :(
Posted by: Kat | April 14, 2004 11:26 AM
What do we do? I can't let him play those games. It's just wrong to allow that just so he can fit in. I wanna smack those other parents for allowing their young sons to do that shit and talk like that. How do we get through this without going insane ourselves?
Posted by: Kat | April 14, 2004 11:28 AM
I feel so bad for you both. He's at a very difficult age, I remember it so well. It won't help him now, but he'll be the one that all the girls want, when they're no longer girls. There are many more boys like Mark, he's just not met them yet. Especially as he moves through jr. high and high school, he'll find his niche, and this won't feel so bad. I know it sucks ass for him right now though. :(
Posted by: Karri | April 14, 2004 11:30 AM
like Kate said above, clubs or sports would give him some common ground with the other kids. Sports got me through my introverted pre-teen and teen years. And sports would also help with any health issues. A really close friend also helps, so you can bounce ideas and discuss things without fear of ridicule.
I've never raised a girl but I think girls can be vicious towards each other compared to boys.
Posted by: ozone ferd | April 14, 2004 11:30 AM
Anytime Mark wants to talk- let me know. I know about both the weight issue and the not fitting in all the time issue. There are things within his control, and he must learn to accept the things that are not. People are given different obstacles to overcome in life- Mark's a great, strong, intelligent young man who can have my ear anytime he'd like it.
Posted by: Heather | April 14, 2004 11:32 AM
I was like him too. I did do the eating thing in school. It sucks ass. I just don't know how to help him right now.
Posted by: Kat | April 14, 2004 11:32 AM
I agree with Karri, just ask Sully what kind of kid he was in school. He was alot like Mark is.
Posted by: Heather | April 14, 2004 11:33 AM
He hates sports...lol That's why I mentioned the geel factor. he likes RPG and books and his best friend, Mikey, is now a poplular kid. He sort of left him. Mark feels like shit.
Posted by: Kat | April 14, 2004 11:34 AM
I told him to call you Heather. About a lot of issues. I think he needs to hear some things from you about Dad and he could use an un-mother ear. I just want to hig him and make it go away but someone else could just listen and talk.
Posted by: Kat | April 14, 2004 11:35 AM
But how did he get through it Heather? It hurts him so much.I don't want him to keep eating like that because then he eill get fatter and be even more of an outcast. Oh, if I only had a penis at times like this, I would know what to say and do.
Posted by: Kat | April 14, 2004 11:37 AM
It's no fun being an "outcast" or a "geek" but you've taught him good values and that will endure. Also, his status as an outsider will change over time, you just wait and see. Alex had a hard time for several years but things turned around eventually. What I like the most is that Mark feels he can talk to you about all this stuff, confide in you. Keep listening and offering the best support you can. Tell him things WILL change, even if he can't believe it now. I could detail Alex's experiences and my own (in grade 7) if it would help him see that a lot of people go through crappy times but that things DO get better.
Meanwhile, give him a Terry-hug and tell him to hang in there.
Oh, and if you allow him to IM, he and Alex could talk. Let me know.
Posted by: Terry | April 14, 2004 12:06 PM
I went through an awkward time too. I was a little hefty and sort of an outcast but I found the group f outcast and well, things changed after that. I don't know if that's the right group for him either.
I will ask him if he wants to IM with Alex and see what he says. He's gonna kill me for talking about this on the blog but I was in need of help and feedback. Part of the downside of being a single mom with a bastard for an ex. You have to ask other people for help raising boys from time to time.
Posted by: Kat | April 14, 2004 12:10 PM
How heartbreaking. At least you are encouraging him to go about doing things the right way and not for the wrong reasons. He may not fit in at school, but one day he will be very glad for that.....when all these girls are pregnant and the guys go off to jail and stuff.
Posted by: kim | April 14, 2004 6:59 PM
aw man, it sucks to be a kid and not feel that you fit in ... it's just as bad to be the mom and feel helpless ...
I feel for ya chicka ...
Posted by: squishybear | April 16, 2004 12:19 AM
It does suck Squishy. But we are working on a few things to help him. :)
Posted by: Kat | April 16, 2004 6:17 AM