Just when you're not looking for something, it finds you.
My life is crazy complicated right now. I know it doesn't seem that way if you read these cryptic blogs daily, you see and read snippets of things I do every day or some days, I don't post at all.
Like yesterday, I did stuff, went out to the mall, played at Livingstons with the kids, a duck crashed into us on the way home, but when I got back home, I didn't feel like doing anything but surfing blindly around the net and messaging people that caught me with it on.
But back to the topic.
Things are complicated beyond anything I feel like posting publicly or even privately. A few really good friends know details but I have chosen to keep a lot of stuff as private as possible.
But this is something I feel like posting only because I get emails from people who are just dying to know, must know, curiosity will kill them if they don't know, am I dating anyone? Have I been seeing anyone?
The answer is no.
For the last few years, I have known what was eventually going to happen so I chose not to, I actually pushed people away from me because I didn't want anyone to say they could handle it and when it came right down to it, not be able to handle it.
I'm sure many of you know about the ladder theory but if you don't, let me break it down.
The ladder theory is basically this; women have two ladders, one ladder is strictly friends only and the other ladder is possible mates.
Men have one ladder and on the rungs, they place women in order of wanting to mate fuck.
That is the basic gist of the ladder theory whether you agree with it or not. Go ahead women, argue it all you want but when you think about it really good and long, you know it to be true, men cannot be just friends with women, they simply can't. You are either low rung or high rung but in the end, they do want to fuck you at some point.
Ok, back to the question most asked in emails, am I dating or seeing anyone.
No, but here we go with the ladder theory in effect for me.
I have a great guy friend, an awesome guy friend. I totally enjoy hanging out with him. Is he date-able? Maybe, but not right now.
Lately, this great guy friend has been saying off beat comments hinting at possible romantic feelings. Now, nothing wrong with that at all but, (I will always have a few buts here simply because I'm a total skeptic and know what my future holds) I am facing some heavy duty shit.
I spoke with my gal Jenni today about all of this, about everything going on with me.
No matter what she is going through and vice versa, she and I have this way of listening and totally 100% supporting and validating each others feelings. There's no "Kat, you can do it" shit, no "Kat, quit worrying, it will all work out" shit, it's "Kat, I hear you" shit and in the end, that is all any of us really want, to be heard, to be validated.
So I tell her all of this shit, everything, pain, worry, fear, stupid thoughts like oh my god, I can't take a shower for like 4 weeks and if some nurse tries to sponge bathe me, I may hurt someone regardless of how much morphine they got me hopped up on.
I hate being touched. I have this thing about total strangers touching me and she gets it, totally gets it. Thank you.
So this really great guy friend who's been dropping hints lately, said he would come visit me in the hospital and take days off of work so he can sit and wait in the waiting room while I get surgery. Well naturally, my mind began racing, worrying, wondering and yes, panicking.
Panicking because I am not ready for any of that. I am not ready to possibly be hurt emotionally while I am in pain physically from surgery. I am not ready for someone to come see me in the hospital with my hair all frizzed and unclean and have wires and scars and stitches and a back brace and all kinds of crazy shit attached to me.
Not that it wouldn't be nice to have someone by my side as I go through my equivalent of hell, (being touched by strangers and poked and prodded and helped to the bathroom) but what if it's too much for that person to deal with?
What if they say they can handle it and when it comes right down to it and they have to see me that way, they can't?
What if as much as they totally like being with me and say how great of a person I am, once they see all of this, hear me cry from intense pain, they realize they bit off more they can chew?
I tried explaining to another friend how I am not ready for this yet no matter what those around us think. Pretty much everyone who knows us says we are like perfect for each other, he accepts me for me, knows I curse like a sailor and actually is ok with it, knows that I am a metal head and no amount of trying to teach me who who is in the world of country can change that fact, likes me anyway. He is totally ok with everything in my closet being black. He is totally ok with my awesome teens and loves their senses of humor. People actually have been hoping we'd get together and encouraging this.
I tried explaining my fears, my thoughts, my feelings and no amount of buts could discourage her from seeing it (us) any different.
So anyway, here I am with this dilemma. This place of not wanting to have someone see me at my absolute worst but at the same time, making plans to have someone do my hair and making sure I pack basic make-up needs so when/if he does show up, I am the Kat he knows.
Call it vanity, call it whatever you want, but for me, this is a new version of hell.
This is something I am not ready for, this is something I don't want to deal with on top of everything else I am going through and about to face.
But at the same time, it's kinda nice having a little attention.
I am a conundrum wrapped in confusion.
Comments
Awww. That's totally understandable. I know all of it has got to be scary. I've been trying to keep up with the private goings-on, but it wouldn't let me sign in with the last info I had :/ But I have been thinking of you, and am glad things are moving along now!
Posted by: notyourtypicalsouthernbelle | December 18, 2005 11:43 PM
With all the scary stuff you are about to through, if he wants to take time off to be there with you during all this, let him. Because really, if it were me, I would rather find out that he isn't the type to stick around through rough times now. If you have this surgery, no one is expecting to see a beauty queen immediately afterwards. As someone who has had the surgery, may I just say prepared to be touched A LOT. I hated , hated, hated that part, but it was better the alternative, which was being all gory.
Posted by: Amy | December 19, 2005 11:14 AM