My Single Mom Life

I'm in one of those moods, maybe a psyche eval is a good thing. ;)
One of my biggest problems is my don't give a fuck attitude.
While I implement it 98% of the day, it's the other 2% that can send me on a tailspin into either rage or stress mode.
I'm halfway between rage and stress right now. I can feel it.
I'm going back and forth between shooting daggers and wanting to just run away.

I was thinking about what PMDoc said yesterday. "Most people with chronic pain on meds a long time go into depression. You seem fine, able to hold conversations, don't have the typical appearance and behavior of someone who is severely depressed. But I want to increase the strength of your meds because they are obviously not helping you like they should."

Um, won't that possibly cause me to go into depression? Is that the goal? Hrm.

He discussed other pain management options like nerve blocker shots. Said he didn't believe those would work for me.
Discussed that new surgical implant device. It's basically an internal tens unit. Didn't think that would work for me either.
So we'll just up the strength of your oral meds.
Yippee!
Not.
I'm so tired of medication. I'm tired of the loopy fog I get in sometimes. I'm tired of having to take meds with me everywhere I go to stay on schedule and not be hurting and have to take twice as much later to chase pain away.
I'm tired of having to ask stupid questions like I did yesterday.
Thursday through Sunday, the boys and I will be at my sisters house babysitting my nieces while they have a mini-vacation.
I had to ask my sister how close the nearest pharmacy is to her house because I have to get my meds on Friday and I'll be at her house. I can't get them early because of insurance restrictions. (gay)
Why do I have to do dumb shit like that? Why can't my body just heal miraculously and let me pain free?

Why does he think I'll be on meds the rest of my life?
Because I still have too much nerve damage he doesn't think will ever go away. The surgery corrected the spine and took away probably 75% of the pain, it's the remaining 25% that is still here and causing issues.
I knew going in that surgery wasn't going to be a cure all, but I had hoped that I'd be at at least tolerable pain. Something a few Tylenol could handle.
Nope. Not even close.
I tried that.
I went through a 100 count bottle of Tylenol in 1 day. What's that? Only supposed to take 8 in a 24 hour period? I know that but they weren't helping and that's when I called the doc crying and pleading for help.

And ya know what else? This is god damn Florida. Why the fuck was it 30 degrees last night and barely 50 this morning?
I need warmth dammit! This cold shit isn't helping the pain level at all. My arthritis is screaming.
Fuck! I'm 36 years old with god damn arthritis!
This is the shit that pisses me off. I'm not depressed. I'm angry.
Think the psyche person will want to deal with that shit? I hope whoever it is is used to hearing the word fuck cuz they're certainly gonna hear it from me.
I'm fucking angry about shit.
Really fucking angry.