My Single Mom Life

I could have filed this under ex-bastard, but I decided to just make it general because I have so much to say, so many thoughts going through my head.

I asked my family and a few others who know I'm coming back this coming Monday for 1 week, to not say anything to the boys father.
They have no desire to see him.
They haven't received so much as an e-card wishing them a happy birthday in about 5 years.
They get no contact with him even if they initiate it. When he does respond, it's full of hate towards me and him saying in those emails that he doesn't believe it's one of them emailing him, he thinks it's me every single time.
The boys give up for awhile and then try again.
Mark has been sending him messages on myspace for awhile now, just general hi, how are you stuff, talking about how he's doing in school etc.
If he gets a reply back, it's nasty and the stuff I wrote above.

This morning Shell sent me an email asking if the boys even wanted to see him. I said no, they haven't even mentioned him other than to say if he shows up at great grams, they may punch him.
In her email was a link to his myspace which I have had for quite some time.
I look at it every now and then, he has pictures of all the boys half siblings on it. Ethan, Austin, Six, and Cameron.
For the longest time, there have been no pictures of Mark and Sebastian on it.
As of 3 weeks ago, there were none.
This morning there are 2 pictures. 1 of Mark from Georges' wedding almost 2 years ago, and 1 of Sebastian from about 3 years ago.
He got those pictures off of my photoblog which I haven't updated in forever.

The captions under Mark's pic says; "My son Mark Jr. I hope to see you again, I miss you!" and under Sebastian's; "My boy Sebastian, I hope you are well. I miss you!"

This bothers me more than I even know how to put into words.
For years, they have gotten nothing from him, no recognition, no calls, cards, presents, just nasty emails when they contact him.
Suddenly, he's decided he loves them?
Suddenly, he's decided to include them in his life?
These pictures just went up sometime within the last 3 weeks.
I'm starting to worry that someone told him we are coming back home and he's decided to play daddy of the decade and show up at Gram's house to pretend he loves them.

His last encounter with the boys was about 6 years ago, Mark was 8, and his words from his father cut him like a knife and still do to this day.
"I'm sorry I'm such a shitty father, my band is more important."

Part of me wants to protect them from any more harm he may do, I don't believe he's changed. I don't believe that he suddenly cares for them, or claims he's loved them all these years. If he had loved them, his words to them in emails should have reflected that don't you think?
Maybe those words instead of being all hateful and calling their mother (me) a bitch, should have been 'I'm proud of you son for doing so well in school, thanks for letting me know, thanks for letting me be part of your life. I love you'.
It's always hate filled emails or myspace messages. It's never, ever been love.

The other part of me wants him to show up so that his sons who are the same height as me, and built like football players, can stand face to face with the man who said those things to them so they can tell him exactly what they think of his new found love for them.
Part of me wants Sebastian to walk up to him and slap him across the face as hard as he did when Sebastian was 2, causing our entire family to be investigated by CPS, including his own sister and the boys aunt, Heather. He blamed it on his girlfriend at the time, then when they didn't believe that, he blamed his sister, then he blamed me.
He convinced little Mark to tell CPS Freddy Krueger did that.
Our lives were in CPS hell for weeks and to this day, he has never admitted it was him, just constantly shifting blame from one person to the next.

But I'm their mother, the one who has raised them, cared for them taught them, truly loved them, protected them. I want to protect them from any more hurt he could do.
If he shows up, I honestly don't know what I will do or say, but I know he angers me so much for hurting his children the way he has all these years, and I may yell and scream, and even throw in a punch myself.

I know, people can change, but he hasn't. I stay in contact with his sister, I know what he still does. I know he still uses people for money and places to live. He controls people still, throws tantrums when things don't go his way.
He's still a liar.
Just looking at his myspace page lets you know nothing has changed with him.
He was born on September 1st, 1971. That makes him 35. His page says he's 30.
Lies.

I fear that if he sees them, he will lie to them and tell them all the things any kid wants to hear, that they are loved, have always been loved, try to pull the wool over their eyes.
But they know the truth. They have his myspace saved to favorites on their computer. They read it, they know there has never been pictures of them on it, or mention of them on it, they know he lies about his age, they see the band is still #1 to him.

Sebastian doesn't ever even mention him, doesn't care about his father one way or the other. He's blank when it comes to "dad".
But Mark, Mark is angry, and filled with rage over his father.
He hates him.
I don't think any amount of ass kissing will fix the damage "daddy" has done to him.
To be ignored by him all of these years, is painful and biting. When I told Mark that if he wanted, we could contact dad while there, his reply was no.
He said if he sees him, he will hit him.
Anger and rage fills him up inside and I can't fix it.
I let him know that their pictures on now on his fathers page, and he laughed. Said; "Gee, how nice. I love you too dad", in a totally sarcastic way. He rolled his eyes and walked away.

If while at grams, he shows up, the boys have said they want to leave. They want me to get Heather to drive us back to Ninny and Pop Pops house. If she won't, to call Shell. They are home today so we can get the house ready, make sure all the pets have what they need, pack etc. We leave Sunday.
They have no desire to be anywhere near him and that is his fault.
I can't make them love him. I can't make them be polite to him. He has hurt them so badly, they don't want to know him regardless of him posting pics with text saying he loves and misses them.
It's way too little, way too late.

I did send him a polite message saying if he wanted more recent pics, to contact me. Those ones are so old. I doubt that he will and if he does, I am prepared for the same old lines, 'you fucking cunt, I hate you blah blah blah.'

I want this to be a happy trip for the boys, not one that makes them get angry like the last time we were home.
People always complain we don't come home enough. This is why. This is one of many reasons. Money and cold weather are the others.
I am their mother and it's my job to protect them from harm. If he sees them, I am afraid for them. I don't bring them back because of him. The last time, it took me 2 years to get Mark back to being a normal happy kid. He was so angry for all that time because he was hurting.
I can't let him be hurt again. He doesn't deserve it.