Been very busy the last few hours.
I've been writing a very long entry for tomorrow, and I'm still not done.
I'll have to finish it in the AM though because I'm tired and bleary eyed.
I'm weepy too.
Tomorrow is my one year post op, and I promised myself and a few others, I'd recap my whole experience with scoliosis correction surgery.
All the gory details.
But as I was typing away, I started thinking about Trudy who lost her life this past week during her surgery.
I can't help but feel sad about it.
So many of us go in, and are hopeful of starting over, getting our lives back, and to pass away during the surgery, is just so unfair.
I was thinking and writing how unafraid I was, and that things were going to go smoothly and life would be great, and then I remembered how Trudy probably had the same hopes, the same nervous excitement, coursing through her.
I had to stop writing for tonight, I just couldn't do anymore.
It's all in draft and will be published tomorrow at some point.
My tears were making my already old and worn out contact lenses, really bad.
I need to go find something else to do, crying before bed is not the way to a good nights sleep. It will be filled with nightmares and all the what if it had been me dreams.
My successful one year anniversary is making me feel like I shouldn't write it all out, that it's wrong of me to talk about my success when someone near my age with young children, didn't make it through hers.
I feel guilty in a way for wanting to celebrate that I made it, that I'm doing great.
And I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do.
I can barely hold back my tears right now.
It's so unfair! If that mistake hadn't been made, she'd be here, her family would be visiting her, she'd be in her own brace and being told to log roll, and walking the hallways at her own hospital.
I want to offer hope to people going into this, I want them to see that even with all the risks, it's worth it.
That success does happen.
But I feel so guilty about celebrating that I made it.
I don't know if anyone can understand that, I don't even understand it, I just feel that way.
Comments
Your feelings are completely understandable. You lost a friend. That's a very painful thing to go through, but in this case is made even worse knowing she passed away during a surgery that you, yourself, went through successfully. It's called "survivor's guilt". It's a very real thing. My advice is to give yourself time to heal from this. Everyone you promised you would write a one year anniversary piece about the surgery will certainly understand. They're your friends, right? :) For now, be gentle with yourself. (((hugs)))
Posted by: Leigh | February 16, 2007 1:43 AM
I HAVE BEEN READING ABOUT TRUDY AND HAVE BEEN SITTING HERE WEEPING JUST LIKE YOU ARE. WHAT A TRAGIC LOSS FOR HER FAMILY. BUT YOU ARE HERE AND DOING SO WELL, WEEP FOR YOUR FRIEND, BUT BE KIND TO YOURSELF. REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT WEEPING ALONE WE FEEL THE LOSS TOO.
WE LOVE YOU
Posted by: Mom | February 16, 2007 8:02 AM
Kat... remember that it wasn't the surgery itself that took her life it was the negligence of the Anesthesiologist that resulted in a dear friend to pass away. Grieve for Trudy but do not let it affect your successful outcome. You were fortunate to have a very skilled surgical team. (((HUGS))))
Posted by: Mindy | February 16, 2007 9:05 AM