I am a nice person.
Every now and then I have to remind myself that I'm a nice person, because I think really bad thoughts.
I hate being used. Hate it.
I think most people hate the feeling of being used.
You all know by now about the family next door, and the really crappy situation that the mom and son are in.
I cannot control other people's choices. I have to remind myself of that too.
A way out was given, and not accepted.
As hard as it is for me to accept that, I have to. It's not my life, I cannot control it.
But I am tired of the abuses that take place.
The verbal and psychological abuses that take place inside that home.
I am also tired of the small abuses that happen.
I was tempted to say minor, but there is nothing minor about the many forms abuse comes in.
Some of the things this man does to control his family, is to give an exact dollar figure with an exact list of groceries, and if she comes home missing an item, or doesn't have the exact change the receipt says she should have, because she dropped a penny or a dime, there is hell to pay.
One of the most insane things he does, is to horde the toilet paper.
He allows one roll of it to be in the house, and he keeps the rest of it in his car and takes it to work.
I am always being asked for toilet paper because they ran out, and he won't give them anymore.
This "control" covers many other necessities as well.
Like feminine hygiene products. He very rarely gives her money to take care of her needs. I have given maxi-pads to her when I had them, but I don't get many cycles myself due to my own back and health issues, so many times I've had to tell her I didn't have any.
It covers band-aids, antiseptic ointments, dish soap, laundry soap, shampoo, body bar soap, turning off the water from outside the house, so they can't bathe or shower.
It includes cooking supplies like pans, aluminum foil, plastic wrap, milk, bread etc.
If they run out of milk from the weekly $100 purchases he let her make, too freaking bad for her and her son, but there had better be milk when he gets home.
I am constantly being asked for items, and I know the situation, I know what she goes through, but I am tired.
I am tired of helping.
I feel horrible about these thoughts, I can't even tell you how being angry and tired over the constant helping, makes me feel.
I shouldn't feel this way ya know?
People helped me when I was down and out, I said I would pay it forward, and I have, multiple times over now in gas for her car, food, toilet paper, soap, just general supplies.
I don't know what I am supposed to do anymore.
I feel like I have given and given, found her help. That offer to help her run away? That is a huge thing. I put myself out there because of frustration, told someone the situation, and that amazing offer came.
That amazing offer has been turned down.
Part of me wants to start saying no to requests, but the kid, I feel for this kid.
Does he not deserve to be able to wipe his ass?
Is it his fault that the father is such a mother fucking prick, and hides the toilet paper in his vehicle?
No.
But what am I supposed to do anymore?
In the last 3 days, I have given her gas money, rolls of toilet paper, antiseptic ointment, a gallon of milk, two loaves of bread, and countless hours of emotional support.
I am not bitching about the emotional support, I don't mind trying to help her.
I am just very frustrated that the emotional help I am giving to her is not being taken.
It upsets me greatly.
I can't keep helping her with 'stuff'. It creates a situation of constantly being the one to hold up her family, when I still struggle to pay my own bills and my own household needs.
Something has to change with this whole situation.
If you were me, what would you do?
Would you start saying no to these constant requests for things?
Would you go over there and yell at that man and tell him to take care of his own family?
Calls have been made, don't even think they haven't. The proper authorities have been there numerous times and nothing ever freaking comes of it.
I'm lost right now.
I know I can't keep supplying things. I can't afford it.
But what am I supposed to do?
Comments
Kat, no doubt about it, you are a nice person. However, you are also an enabler. You are helping to keep her in that situation, as fucked up as that may seem to you. It is only when people are incented to help themselves do they change. If there is always a crutch to use, it will be used.
What a sad, scary, messed up situation.
Posted by: Amy | May 13, 2007 8:07 PM
Yeah, I have to agree with Amy here. You have done more than your fair share of help already, but it's clear that this woman is not going to get out of the situation unless she is forced to. You're making her life tolerable, which is probably keeping her right there.
I can only imagine how draining it would be to have someone constantly asking for help like that. But -- at this point, I think the best move would be to tell her straight up that you can't do it anymore. You'll help her get out of the situation (run away, escape, whatever) but you won't help her *stay* there.
Good luck, Kat. :(
Posted by: The Fire Pit | May 13, 2007 9:46 PM
There's no doubt you should stop giving in to the requests. There's only so much you can do. I agree with the others in the fact that you are enabling this behavior on both of their parts to continue. What a shitty situation, honestly. I wouldn't get involved outside of stopping the requests though. This guy sounds crazy enough as it is.....you know? Good luck...
Posted by: Steve | May 13, 2007 10:31 PM
How old is the son? If he is school-aged, there might be a school social worker who you could call. Children can be removed from homes if there is obvious neglect. She needs to start documenting all of these things, taking photos, etc.
As for the food situation, a family of three can get by on $100 a week. Does your town have a discount grocery store like Aldi? You could point her in that direction. There should be a food bank in your town, usually run by the Department of Child and Family Services, where anyone can get a food package every month with lots of packaged goods. We have used it ourselves.
She can definitely find resources out there, she just has to be willing to do it.
Posted by: Elizabeth | May 13, 2007 11:12 PM
What Amy said.
I've been a person to help someone else til it caused hardship with my family and it's just not the way to go. You have to take care of your health and this kind of thing just sucks your soul dry.
Posted by: Chickie | May 13, 2007 11:48 PM
You're not in any physical danger of helping this person are you? This guy wouldn't take it out on you for helping this woman?
Does this woman have relatives that can get her and the boy out of this situation? I'm thinking she has no where to turn so she keeps turning to you and that is putting you in a possibly dangerous situation and not forcing her to do anything.
she should seek outside help, give her some support numbers to call, social workers, etc. Get her to help herself.
Posted by: Ozone Ferd | May 13, 2007 11:52 PM
Wow...this guys sounds like a complete whack job. I would NOT confront him, but I would sit her down and tell her you have to cut her off. She needs to either find the gumption to take a stand or find a way out or live with it.
You ARE a great person, but you can't save everyone, hon. You have to worry about your own.
Posted by: Mr. Fabulous | May 14, 2007 8:10 AM
Everyone else said what I am thinking.
Posted by: lattegirl | May 14, 2007 10:20 AM
I agree with what everyone else had to say, but I'm wondering why there is no mention of domestic violence shelters. Maybe this woman has too much pride to get this type of help, but it seems more shameful to have to admit how she allows herself to be treated every day. What is that movie with Jennifer Lopez? She marries the perfect guy, has the perfect house, daughter etc.. until shef finds out he was cheating on her and asked for a divorce. He threatened her in every way possible and she ended up running and hiding from him. Even when she went to the police and told them the possibility that something terrible could happen to her they said it wouldn't matter, and even if he hurt her there would be no evidence that he would harm the daughter so he would still get custody of the little girl. It sounds like this guy works like this. This is called Domestic Violence. It may seem somewhat harmless in that he doesn't seem to be physically abusing this woman (for now). Unfortunately, this story may not have a good outcome if she doesn't take matters into her own hands and get out. Hopefully she realizes this before something happens to her child. I think it is amazing that you have tried to help this woman and her child. But, you are aware that you are enabling everyone to continue to live in this situation. If I were you I would stop thinking that I am helping and realizing that I am hurting them more. Hopefully nothing happens to you, this woman or the child, but I would stop helping her and watch closely for signs that the DHS may be able to use to stop this guy. The key word is evidence-bruises, marks, etc... I don't know how old this child is or how a guardian ad litum works, but you may want to look into this. A guardian ad liteum is used to protect the best interest of the child no matter what. I don't know if this has to be invoked by a parent or if a concerned individual can have anything to do with this. If I were you I would be greatly concerned with my own safety. I would not presume that this guy is harmless. Even though his abuse may seem minor, it could be only because he hasn't been pushed to go further. It sounds like this guy would go pretty far to protect his control over his family. Watch out and tread lightly. I think you have gone above and beyond the call of duty in this matter. If she doesn't want to change for herself there is nothing that you can do to help her. Good Luck on letting go, it won't be easy!
Posted by: Phoenix | May 14, 2007 12:11 PM
What a terribly difficult situation. In theory, you are enabling her. However, how can you not help? I would be stuck, too. She needs to get out of the situation herself. But many abused women just can't. I have no advice, just wanted to say I understand.
Posted by: Cynthia Blue | May 14, 2007 9:46 PM
I came here from Inner Dialogue's place, been reading about your thoughts, especially with the neighbor. Yes, I suppose it is enabling and I am not sure but I probably would do things pretty much as you are. Although, if you can "lay down the law" so to speak, that this is getting out-of-hand for you, affecting YOUR finances, YOUR emotional state too, and much as you'd like to help, you just can't do it. I dunno - a rough one there, for sure. Just a suggestion here though - do they have any "Angel Food Ministries" in your area? That may not be the exact name but they operate a food bank type thing and you can purchase x-types of different package deals that contains a specific list of food items for a starting price of $25.00 a month - no financial reporting required. It might -if there are any churches in the area who participate in this - be a way she could perhaps put back a couple bucks from him with the grocery allotment he gives her. How the heck does he control her purchases to the penny when some foods are priced by the # and will vary depending on the package of meat in the store too? Tell her to coupon and use the few bits and pieces of change that might save her weekly too. Rough spot for her and the kid but also hard for you.
I didn't really mean to write a small book here and apologize for that.
Posted by: Jeni Hill Ertmer | May 16, 2007 9:43 PM