My Single Mom Life

Sebastian and I took a walk tonight, I just really needed to get out of the house, de-stress myself. The more I sat here, the more I kept thinking about all the things that haven't happened yet, may not happen.

While we were out walking, it started raining but we kept going anyway.
Sebastian and I can walk and walk, and just spend that whole time talking about everything and anything.
We talked about video games, he's so excited for GH3, and taking a vacation.
I said I wanted to get far away from everything and everyone, I'm so tired and stressed out, go someplace deep in the woods of another state, like get a Pigeon Forge cabin rental in the Smoky Mountains.
It's in Tennessee, and I hear it's beautiful. I have a friend from the local Tampa message boards who just moved up there, said the houses are so affordable and it's just gorgeous.
She invited me up there if I could ever get up the money to go. Take a bus or plane and stay with her and her hubby, and believe me, I would.
I desperately need a vacation, a get away from everything.
I'm sitting here now just thinking about going away from it all, and getting stressed again. hahaha

Sebastian did talk to me about the possibility of the surgery, and like I said earlier, I still have guilt from 2 years ago, and man, he made me feel bad about this possible one and it hasn't happened yet.
He's scared.
That first surgery scared the crap outta him. The day after the first surgery when I was in ICU with the tape over my eyes and a breathing tube down my throat, he thought I was dead.
He was just 12, he's a mommas boy, my baby, he was traumatized by that image, he said he can't handle that again.
I know he can't, it was so hard for him to see his "super mom" unable to even get in and out of my bed on my own, he's frightened about this even though it will be a way smaller surgery.
He started crying tonight, he asked if there is anyway that I don't have to do it.
I honestly don't know.
If they say I have to, and I refuse, that is my right, but how will refusing affect me later on in life?
It's all too much for him, and me, to be honest, and I keep trying so hard to put it out of my mind, but it's difficult to do.
I think the people who have had this surgery, Brandi and Chris, they know what that surgery was like, and the thought of having to do it again, or a revision surgery, is like the last thing any of us want to do, and every visit to see the surgeon for follow up visits, all you hope for is for the doc to say it's a solid fusion, looks great, come back in 6 months, come back in a year, don't come back.
I don't want to think about this, and I'm sure the few posts I've made since yesterday that you have all read, you can tell I don't want to do it or think about it, but it's stuck in my mind.
Stuck and making me worry, and I won't stop thinking about it until doc tells me one way or another if we're doing this.

I don't want to drive you all away either with my worry filled posts about this, I need to stop talking about it. You all are important to me and the last thing I want to do is drive you guys away cuz I sound like I've gone nuts with worry and talking about it.
I really think once I have a yes or no on it, I'll be fine, make my plans, be able to cope with it, but it's in the air and that is where my mind is.