My Single Mom Life

I am so stiff this morning from the chill, I can barely move.
My body is actually leaning to the left, those left side muscles just will not straighten up, and I've been awake having taken my meds, a warm shower, and attempting to get it to relax.
And it's still stuck, left leaning, twitching in pain.

But why am I pissed off?

I'm pissed off because I've been through and will continue to go through, the medical testing nightmare.
I've had blood drawn so many times I nearly passed out, I've been poked, prodded, told it was my hormones all out of whack, here, have some testosterone to inject into your ass every Saturday because it will help you with the pain, and here, have some more pain drugs.

The idea that it's a broken screw causing this pain all this time, and no one bothered to listen, truly listen to me, every time they asked how I was feeling and I said very plainly, "My left hip is always killing me doc", says so much about how they didn't listen to me, I'm infuriated.

I have 14 different medications to take. Most of those daily, some of those weekly, and some to inject into myself all because no, it's not the surgical pins and screws, it's your age and your hormones, here, have some more drugs.
Do they even realize what they have done to my body?
Do they know what happens to me if I miss even a single dose of the medicine they have put me on?
I get sick, and I am in agony, writhing in pain, puking, pooping, feeling as though I am dying, until I take one of their magic pills.
They don't touch the pain in my hip, they keep my body from going into withdrawals.
My body is addicted to the pain medication they have had me on for over 6 years now.
Yeah, go ahead and miss a dose, go ahead and try to wean myself off and just get by with Tylenol.
That ain't happening.

And now I'm being subjected to a new gyno doc. How the flying fuck would you like me to put my legs up in those stirrups and be ok with that broken screw in my left hip, while you spread the stirrups wider apart than my body would like to go?
And yes, let's do another hematology run because someone dropped the ball and on paperwork.
Again.
And yes, let's run an Idium scan to find the reason your white cells are so high.
Do any of you fucking nitwits think my white cells are so high because OMG! I have a broken fucking screw floating in there, and my body is trying to fight off the invading piece of floating metal!!
And yes, oh yes please, send me to a therapist so we can find out if after all these years on pain meds, if I'm depressed, because that's the standard with long term chronic pain sufferers.

Does any of this sound like depression to you?
Let me tell you what it really is because it certainly is NOT depression.
It's anger over being poked, prodded, drained, scanned, yanked, bent, stabbed, injected, force fed drug after drug after drug, and telling me it's because I'm old and my hormones are all outta whack and that's why I'm in pain.
It's anger over not being listened to when I called them and told them something popped in there months ago.
It's anger over constantly being asked how I feel and when I say I'm in pain, they say no, that's not what we mean, how do you feel?
I feel like ripping your fucking heads off and shitting down all your fucking necks!
I feel like taking a sword and jamming it into your hips and breaking your hip joint so that you will finally understand that I'm in pain and thanks to your complete lack of listening skills, my body is now addicted to all these fucking drugs and I am going through medical testing fucking hell all over again to fix this problem I told you fucking morons about months ago!!!!
Do you really want to know how I feel doc?
I don't think you do.