My Single Mom Life

So let's begin with my first Biofeedback therapy appointment shall we?
I arrive at my doctor's office, and a short Malaysian woman with not-so-good English, calls me back into her room, with just a wave of her hand.
It is a standard patient room, just large enough for a patient table, a chair, and the doctor's desk.
The patient table is cluttered with baskets full of relaxation cd's, books on positive thinking and prayer, and the room is sweltering hot, it had to be about 98 degrees in there.

She has managed to fit this large biofeedback beanbag chair in there as well, but in order to close the door for privacy, I [eyeroll] had to lift it up so she could close the door.
She doesn't know my name, so she doesn't know my case history, and asks me to sit down on this chair.
It's low to the floor, too low for me, but I manage to get into it.
It's vibrating to some tranquil rain forest music.
It's irritating the fuck out of the raw nerves on my back, so I get off of it.
This offended her, and I had to explain why I got off of it.
I have two titanium rods running nearly the full lentgh of my spine, and two 4 inch iliac screws in my hips, one of which is broken, raw nerves in my back.

She decides that it's ok for me to sit in the regular chair.
Then she puts some headphones on me and tells me to relax as she's wrapping a breathing monitor around my waist.
She tells me it's ok if I "nap" to the music.
I don't.
I breathe normally, we finish with that after 20 minutes, and then we move on to this heart rate monitor, which she explains in her very broken English, that will detect my stress levels based on my heart rate, like a polygraph machine.
She attaches this clip to my ear which has a cord, the cord plugs into the unit.
Breathe slowly, the light turns green and I'm "cohesive" with my body.
Breathe rapidly, it turns red, and I'm not "cohesive".
She would like me to be "green" for the next 10 minutes.
So I sit and keep it green for a few minutes, then I decide to have a bit of fun.
I increase my heart rate through breathing more deeply and quickly, the light turns red, then I slow it down again.
Rinse, repeat.
Cool, neat trick.
She doesn't understand why it's doing that.
Heh.

The whole time this test is going on, she's going on and on about how breathing techniques and relaxation can completely relieve my pain.
Completely.
The pain I feel is all in my head she explains, my brain controls the pain I feel, so I need to "tell" my brain what to do, to not feel pain.
She has a list of "cohesive" response words, which she will teach me over the next several months, (at $35 a visit) that will train my brain to not send or feel any pain receptions.
Pain is just a perception, and we can train our brains to not acknowledge pain.
Uh-huh.
Tell that to my broken iliac screw.

The more she talks, the more I'm feeling like I'm sitting with Tom Cruise, and he's telling me that drugs are bad, and psychiatry is evil, and that we are super beings who can do anything with the power of our minds.
The way she was going on, I fully expected her to break out into maniacal laughter.
Then she goes into the power of prayer, and I've just about had it at this point.
Power of thought, power of positive thinking, power of prayer, and training our brains to not feel any pain at all through these techniques she's mastered.

She begins talking more about the power of prayer for healing, and as an atheist, I'm starting to get really annoyed.
I go to the doctor because he's a man of science, he has studied the human body, how it works, and my surgeon studied bodies and how they work, and through science, both these doctors treat the human bodies ailments.
I do not go to doctors to discuss, or implement, the power of prayer and positive thinking.
Believe me, if the power of prayer actually worked to heal pain, all the years of my mother praying for me to get relief from my back issues, I would have been healed years ago.
It doesn't work.
She keeps going, I'm feeling more and more uncomfortable, more unhappy, stressed the fuck out.
Her little heart rate monitor is in the red and beeping wildly.
She actually placed her hand on my back, and began praying.
I spoke up, told her I do not believe in any god or gods, or prayer for healing, and that I was under the assumption that biofeedback was something totally different than this.
She is clearly offended, has this look of pure horror mixed with disgust on her face, but I politely asked her not to do that again.

At this point I glance at the clock, see that my 1 hour long appointment, has now run 20 minutes over, and I tell her I need to leave.
She starts handing me all these papers and pamphlets, instructional sheets on breathing and relaxation techniques, and workbooks to do over the next 15 days.
I'm supposed to go back in 15 days to do this kind of crap all over again.
I don't think so.
I will not be doing this again.
I know how to relax my own body, how to breathe properly, I managed to mess with her little machine, I think I know how to control my breathing.
But I am seriously not going to spend $35 a visit, to pray and think positive, and be told my pain is in my head, by someone who doesn't even know what I meant when I described what my ailment was.
The very real pain my brain is perceiving, is caused by a very real broken iliac screw, and titanium rods, and rheumatoid arthritis, stenosis, and severe nerve damage, and my bodies attempt to heal itself after major surgery for severe levoscoliosis, and thorocolumbar scoliosis.

I'm a skeptic, an atheist, and a realist.
I know what the real reasons for my pain are, and believe me, they are not in my head, they are in the full lentgh of my spine and pelvis.
And the power of prayer has not, and will not, ever cure what is wrong with my body.
Biofeedback is bullshit, and I will not be wasting any more money on it.