My Single Mom Life

I got a call about an hour ago from the Maine AG.
The hearing is postponed, date unknown right now.
Not surprised.
His attorney asked for a new date.
She asked me for my 2007 taxes and some other stuff, so I got her email address and sent her everything she asked for, and probably a few things she didn't know about.
We talked about my income, I told her, adjusted gross on my taxes is especially pathetic, so she'll be able to see that when she opens the email.
It is what it is, can't really do much about it.

And that really bums me out.
I miss being able to work.
I miss it like you wouldn't believe.
If I was still able to work like I was before they told me to stop before I injured myself beyond medical repair, I wouldn't give two shits about the child support.
I lived and survived without it for many years because I could work.
I worked 12-16 hour days, I had money, I made good money, and then my back up and quit on me for good.

There are times, like now, when I get really depressed about it.
I'm not like crying all day and night depressed, but yeah, I am bummed out that I cannot support me and my kids the same way I used to.
It's not right, it's not fair, it fucking sucks, but there isn't anything I can do about it, and that makes it even worse.
It is completely out of my control.
100% complete disability, unable to perform gainful employment.
Those words that I fought for 5 years to hear, sting like molten steel sometimes.

I didn't want this, I just wanted my back to get fixed so I could keep working, but they kept saying no to the surgery, no to the surgeon who could do it.
It took fighting and phone calls, and attorneys, and letters, to get medical help, and then it was too late.
The damage was done, 100% complete disability, unable to perform gainful employment.

I busted my ass for years supporting my family on my own, busting my back to a state of disability, and for him to ask after all these years, to lower the child support, well, no, fuck you.
I don't care how many kids there are, that's not my problem.
My problem is the two I have here, the two I have taken care of day in and day out for the last 14 years on my own.
I'm tired of the excuses that there was no job, and all the other bullshit that has prevented my sons from getting a fair and decent amount of child support, I'm fucking over it.
I don't care that the business just started, needs time to grow, not my fucking problem.
I'm over the piddly amount that was court ordered 14 years ago. No one should have to deal with that amount all these years, and no, it's not me who ruined his relationship with his sons, it was him.
A slap to Sebastian's 2 year old face that left a bruise in the shape of a hand, and the very painful words said to a 9 year old Mark, "My band is more important than being a father right now".
You think those words and slap are forgotten?!
They aren't.
I fight for them.
I fight for them to have what they need and some of what they want.
I do everything in what little power I have left, to get for them.
To even ask to have to send less money to them, is just another slap in the face, it's just another string of painful words.

Keep postponing it, it doesn't matter.
Whenever it gets scheduled, I'll be available, and I'll keep fighting for them just like I have done for the last 14 years.
I may not be able to hold a job outside the home anymore, and the work I do now doesn't bring me much income, but I will keep doing everything I can so that they can have everything they need, so that they are happy, healthy, and grow up to know values, and morals, and ethics, and to keep fighting for what they want and what is right, and what they deserve.
I'll keep doing what I have to, even if more and more excuses get made and thrown.
They deserve better than that.
They deserve better than him.