My Single Mom Life

I woke up at 6:30am, I had to be at the docs by 9am, and knew it was going to take a bit of work to get me functioning and out of this house.
While that post makes sense, it's an ugly reality of how I spent my day yesterday and all of last night.

I also know this blog has taken a very different turn in the last few months, a turn towards all things drug and medical related, and I have noticed, and I also noticed that I don't like it.
It will be fixed, get back on track, I just may have a few more posts about those alternative drugs to get out because they are important to me to discuss.
I want anyone out there who may be searching for the possible side effects of those drugs that may get prescribed to them, to know what side effects are not listed in the little note the doc hands you, or the list of side effects that get stapled to your script when you pick it up, and what side effects the websites leave off completely.
I hate to think of other people walking around with tears sliding down their cheeks and not know why, or having a feeling of super rage come over them and not know why, so I owe it to those people to be honest about it, and write about it.

I saw the physicians assistant this morning, and like I said in that other post, I took the morning dose so that whoever saw me, could see how my speech, motor functions, and heart rate behave on it.
My speech was slurred, my vision was blurry and darting around the room, my hands were shaky, and my blood pressure was through the roof.

My sister Joey and I, had even joked a day or two ago, about how way back in the day, Soma's were considered good fun.
But that was also back when we were smoking pot and drinking, and dropping acid and stuff.
I was young then, had energy. But if I ever took a pill that made me sleepy, any one of our numerous partners in crime, had another pill that would wake you right back up.

One pill makes you larger*
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall

The PA saw me and asked my pain level, which was a 7. She asked me how I was feeling and I let it all out.
"Do you see me? Can you hear and understand me? Because I don't feel what's coming out of my mouth is making much sense when it goes back into my own ears.
I am the one who came to Doc R. and asked to try and wean off the narcotics, but I'm ending that today. My days of testing alternative pain relievers is over as of now.
I absolutely refuse to try any thing else.
I refuse because the 4 we have tried have all be semi-effective for the pain, but they have messed with my head in very bad ways.
I'm either sleeping and confused upon waking, or if they don't make me sleep, they simply mess with my head.
One of them made me so depressed, I would just lay in my bed and cry, then I'd get angry, and not just angry, I would fly off into a rage.
The lower dose of that one was even worse.
It was staring to make the block of knives look 'attractive' to me.
I would float between the emotions of extreme sadness, then anger, then rage, then hate, then wanting to kill myself, then wanting to kill others.
My sons would come home from school, and instead of saying, hey boys how was your day, I was starting to scream at them and keep screaming until they would slither away and remain dead quiet for fear of what mommy "might do".
So Nancy? No more. Absolutely no more.
I will not do this to my sons again. I will not put them through even one more test for an alternative. Am I making myself clear?
I, the patient came to you, and said I wanted to try and get off the narcotics I had been on for over 6 years. He said he would help me. He tried, he did his best, but no more. I will not do any of that to my sons again, and if he'd like to know what my sons have been through, he's free to call my home today after 3pm, and speak to them. Start with my 16 year old Mark, and then talk to Sebastian who is 14.They will tell him what I have been like. They told me, and all I could do was sit down and apologize, and beg them for their forgiveness.
In all the years on narcotics, I have never treated them so badly as I have in the last 2 and a half months of testing alternative and synthetic pain relievers. I am ashamed of myself, and if testing even more could do that to them again, then no way, no more, we are done"
Not only that, but the confusion and inability to recall very important things.
I was awoken yesterday by the Maine state AG, about my child support hearing. She asked me if she could file something on my behalf, I said yes, but what did I say yes to? She also mentioned something about the hearing and and how something about phone calls or actually being there, and I said yes.
Did I say yes to a phone call hearing or did I say yes to I'll be there?! I need to know what we spoke about, and now I have to call her up later today when this pill wears off, and try to explain to her why I'm calling and hope that it doesn't impact my case negatively.
Nancy?? No More. Is this clear? No more. I want my regular narcotics back because I know how my body behaves on them, I know that I can function, and I know that I don't verbally assault people."

Nancy took me by the hands, and wiped away the tears I didn't even know were coming down, and said 'Ok Kat, it's going to be ok. I'll put you back on them and tell him why. I've recorded this whole conversation, he will hear for himself the problems you've been having and he'll agree with me. No more testing alternatives or synthetics. No more'.
She wrote out the script and had the secretary call it in to Walgreen's so it will be ready when I got there, and it was.

So I'm home now, I'm going to eat a few pieces of chicken I got for lunch at Publix when I picked up something easy for dinner, and a few other small things I could carry home.
I'm going to go eat them now, take my meds, and hope that one pill wears off soon so I can get back to normal.