My Single Mom Life

Someone will probably read this all wrong and think I'm being a bitch, a selfish mom, or just not loving and understanding my kids enough, but I will try to explain this so that doesn't happen.

Sebastian has been having quite a few anger issues lately, I am working on it with him, I try to talk to him about what is bothering him, and that seems to only make him angrier.
Sunday night, he and a kid in the neighborhood he plays with, got into a fight.
They called each other quite a few choice names, took swings at each other, and then came home.
This other boy's mother and I decided to keep them away from each other for a few days, let them each have a cooling off period.
The fight was stupid.
They were both playing night tag, it was dark outside, a typical game of tag, but anyway, it was dark, and Sebastian tripped over a rock twisted his foot and called time out.
The other kid called him a pussy.
He called the kid a douchebag.
Names back and forth, then someone threw the first punch, neither of them remember who swung first.
Anyway, it was over, they were both being kept away from each, chill out.

Last night, Sebastian and I took a walk to the store, and he rehashes the story the whole way there and most of the way back.
I say most of the way back because of what happened next.
I told him on the way back to drop it, it was over, let it go, he and his friend will be back to being friends again in a few days. They have been off/on fighting like this since they met.
When they are good, they are great together, when they get pissed, they could kill one another.
It's a love-hate relationship with them.
Sebastian didn't stop talking about it, just kept repeating it.
I told him one last time to drop it, it was done, he can call his friend and they can make up like they always do.

Sebastian lost it on me.
He starts yelling that I don't care about anything that interests him, that I don't pay any attention to him at all, I never get involved in any of his school stuff, that I don't care about him.
I start telling him that I do, that I know everything that makes him happy, all his classes at school, his grades, his fave color, his fave food, his fave video games, that I do as much with him and school as I can, I'm going on that field trip to chaperon because he asked me to go.
I do everything I can to make sure that both him and Mark are happy, no, I don't care about PSU or Dragonwars, or some of the really confusing for old people video games, but I bought them because I *know* it makes them happy.

He keeps yelling all the way home that I don't care about him, continues it inside the house.
Mark starts getting angry at him and tells him that if I didn't care about them, they wouldn't have any of this stuff to play, none of the games, no new stuff, no subs or pizza and hot wings, no Chinese food, no nothing that they ask for all the time. He tells Sebastian how good they have it, that they could be like the kid next door who is abused and ignored, who doesn't have anything at all, his parents don't talk to him, they yell at him to clean the house, walk the dog, do the dishes, that he doesn't have any new clothes or shoes when he needs them, he wears the same clothes for days in a row.

Sebastian is still yelling, pissed off, tells Mark to shut up.
I am trying to talk to him, find out what he's really angry about because I know it can't really be about me not caring.
I spend so much time with him. I take daily walks with him and we just talk about whatever he wants to talk about. I will sit in his room and watch him play his video game and talk about it even though I still don't understand it, because it makes him happy to have me there.
I get on the xbox headset and talk to his friends when he asks me to, I try to be as involved as I can, I try to understand the video games, I try to understand the homework from school and help him, but it's so not like when I went to school, but I still try. I look stuff up on the net if I don't get it to try and help.
I am always here, always listening, always paying attention.
I spend far more time with him than Mark to be honest.

We never did get to the root of it last night, we both ended up crying, he said he was sorry for being mean, he didn't mean to call me a bad mom and say that I didn't care about him or love him.
We hugged, we cuddled on the couch on and watched a movie together, we spent some more time with his video game that I still don't get.
I thought it was over.

Then this afternoon around lunchtime, he started in again, out of the blue.
We had just been sitting here watching a tv show, laughing, and then he snapped at me again that I don't care about him.
I begged him to tell me what this is really about, he has to know I love him and care about him.
I bust my ass to make sure they are both happy and have everything they need and some of what they want.
I do my best every single day.

He tells me that I don't love him as much as Mark, that I only do things with him to make him be quiet, that I never talk to him.
I asked him, do we not talk every single day on our walks?
We talk about school, games, food, fun, his friends, movies, whatever he wants to talk about.
He tells me that no, not that, that I don't talk to him about my stuff.
I'm like what? What kind of stuff?
He says work, what you do, what you like and and stuff like that.
I always tell them about work, how much of it, when I get paid on such and such a day, we can do something they want to do, what kind of assignments I have, I even ask them for help sometimes.

He tells me that I don't talk to him about it as much as I do with Mark.
I explained to him that that's because Mark is always out here playing the xbox in the room where my pc is, and that Sebastian is always in his room on his pc, or outside playing with friends, but that no matter who is the room, I am usually always talking about something.
Something on tv, a movie, my work, my friends on line, silly text messages that come in from friends.
He says that I should do that more with him.
I tried to explain that if he was in this room more, he'd hear all those things and could just jump on into the conversation, and truth be told, Mark is mostly ignoring me.
He gives me the yup, the uh-huhs, and the reallys? like he's paying attention, but I know he's playing his game, not really listening to me.
He says he wouldn't ignore me like Mark does, he'd listen.
I tried to hug him and tell him that it's ok, it's boring for kids, I don't expect them to really be paying attention, I just talk out loud as I'm typing sometimes.

He pushed me away, and told me it wasn't boring, that he wants to know things about me, what I like to do, my friends, things that make me happy.
He's crying about it again, and I tried to console him and tell him that he and his brother are what makes me happy, that they are my reason for getting up every day, to keep going.
I love them, I work as much as I can, for them, I buy all those games because it makes them happy, and if they are happy, then so am I.
He says that's a lie, that I'm a liar, that if I could change my life to not be a mom I would.
I'm all dude, no I love you guys more than my own life. I really do try to do everything I can to make them happy, it makes me happy when they are.

And then just like that, it's over again.
The tears are gone, he's changing the subject, says he's hungry and walks away to the kitchen.
I tried to see if he was really ok, and told me to just stop it for now, he didn't want to talk anymore.
I said ok, asked for a hug, and he gave me a big giant hug, squeezing me tightly.

I have absolutely no idea what's really going on with him. I can't get him to open up about why he feels this way, why he thinks I don't love him and Mark, why he thinks I'm lying.
I would die for them, I would give up everything for them, I would do anything for them.
It's hurtful to hear those things from him and I'm trying so hard to find out where and why this all started, but I can't get anywhere with him. Just when he starts to open, he shuts down again.
If either of them should feel slighted, it should be Mark.
I spend far more time with Sebastian, I talk to him a lot more, so why Sebastian feels this way, I don't know.
I'm trying though.
I'm really trying to figure this out and help him with whatever this is about, but it is hurtful to me when he says those things, and I know that sounds so selfish for me to be feeling like that, but I love him, I love both of them, more than I do myself, I know them so well, everything about them, so yeah, it kinda hurts.
They have an appointment for their physicals in 2 weeks, and I'm going to talk to the doctor about it, the mood swings, the yelling, I don't know what else to do, I don't know how to help him if he's not talking back to me or not telling me everything.
I just have to keep trying, for the both of us.