My Single Mom Life

I want to clear up some confusion over my loathing of massages.
It has absolutely nothing at all to do with my nerve endings or how my back feels.
It is a mental issue. (Ha!)

The massages themselves are fine, it feels good (mostly) while it's being done.
It feels ok later.
It's me, it's me being tired of being touched.
I spent from 2001 to now, being poked and prodded by a gazillion doctors and nurses and techs.
Ok, not a gazillion, but I went through 19 different orthopedic specialists before finding the surgeon who could do my back surgery, which took place in February 2006.
I had 19 different doctors touching me, poking, x-raying me, MRIs, CT scans, blood draws, urine, and a multitude of other tests in preparation for the surgery.
I've spent the last 2 years still being poked, prodded, CT scanned, x-rayed, injections, physical therapy and massage therapy.
I'm fucking over being touched!

It sends my OCD into over drive at the very thought of being touched again.
I just can't freaking stand it anymore.
It get nervous, the sweats, I feel sick to my stomach, I just don't like being touched.
This thing has gotten so bad, I barely hug my sons anymore.
One of them moves to hug me, and I actually find myself backing up.
I do hug them, but it's very brief. A quick hug, a pat on the back, done.

So anyway, today was the first appointment with the new girl, and we're going over my records, she asks about the fusion and my previous massage appointments.
She noticed that I canceled a few of them and asked why.
I explained to her my phobia, my issues with being touched.
I assured her it was nothing personal at all against her or the other guy who was doing them, but I was having panic attacks on my way to the office, sitting in an air conditioned waiting room sweating to death, freaking out about having to undress and have someone rubbing down my entire body.
I told her it was nauseating laying there like that.
She said she understands, especially after all that I've been through, it's normal for some people to develop anxieties about being touched after so much work being done to their bodies.

So we're taking it one appointment at a time, I can keep my shorts on, and we'll only work the areas that are in pain that day, not do full body work.
She worked on my left shoulder and just when she thought it was loosening up, it spasmed and locked in place.
She seems to think I have something called frozen shoulder, and all we can do is keep working it and hope it clears up.
After it locked up, she rubbed something into it, it smells super minty, and we left it like that, it wouldn't unlock from it's tightened position.

I have another appointment Thursday at noon again, and then we'll just take them one at a time, work on trying to be comfortable.
She said if I show up and am in a severe panic attack, we won't do the massage, we can just sit and talk for an hour about pain levels, medications, whatever, she's willing to work with me and help me be more comfortable instead of not being able to relax like I should be doing.