Need a man?
I have noticed a trend in post subjects on a lot of single mom blogs over the last few weeks.
The man posts.
I saw one that said it was time to ask a man out, another that asked about the one that got away, yet another asked if they needed a man to tell them everything was going to be ok in this current period of crisis our country was in, and another that posted about finding an old boyfriend on chat, and now she wants to date him again because of how good they were together.
10 years ago.
There were many more posts on many more single mom blogs too.
I'm all for finding love again, I'm all for getting back on the horse and giving it the good old try, but some a lot of these posts talked about needing a man.
Need a man?
And no, not just for the physical needs, some of these moms feel like they really need a man to either make their life complete, or to "be ok", or to provide the family life instead of the single mom life, to their kid(s).
How can a man make you feel complete?
If you don't feel like a whole person on your own, you're certainly not going to be completed by adding another person to your life.
They are bringing their completed person to the table, and you are incomplete, it won't really work.
It will be a relationship of depending on him to feel ok about yourself.
To be ok?
Again, depending on someone else to make sure that the bills are paid, that someone will take care of you and your kid(s) when the shit hits the fan.
Single moms are some of the most resourceful people I know, they provide for their families on way less money than anybody should ever have to, and they make sure the bills get paid, there's food to eat, and that everyone is ok.
Will a man make it more ok?
Maybe financially he will, but that's not a guarantee.
And doing it to provide the family life is not the right reason either.
You already have a family.
Sure, it may just be you and your kid(s), but is that not a family?
It may be just me and the teens, but we are a family in every sense of the word.
We all do our part to make sure the home is taken care of, we eat meals together, we laugh and play together, we talk about everything, and I can't see myself needing a man to make it a family, we are already.
I don't know why so many women, single moms and single women in general, feel that they need a man, that somehow a man is going to complete them, make it all better, make them feel normal and ok.
If you can't feel complete, normal, and ok on your own, be happy with yourself completely, then how is adding someone to you going to change that?
You are still you, you just added someone who cannot complete you as a person, no matter what the cheesy romance movie says.
You have to be happy and complete first, before you can be happy and complete with someone else.
Comments
So well said.
As much as I love my husband, he's my best friend and I would miss him a lot and feel hurt if he one day left me. I don't "need" him to be a happy me. Life would go on. Again, it might suck for a long time but it would go on.
Posted by: Jenn | October 14, 2008 12:07 PM
This is so true. And what happens once you're well and truly bound to one another (marriage or living together, sharing financial burdens), you're depending on the man to make/keep things financially secure, and you realize you changed, he changed, or it's just not working out? You're stuck, and STILL not happy. If you're not "complete" to begin with, adding another person to the mix, no matter how wonderful he is (at first) is just asking for trouble.
Posted by: Devilish Southern Belle | October 14, 2008 2:00 PM
Thank you for saying this. I am publishing my "man" blog right now. Part of my commentary on my need for a man in my life is that I know it isn't healthy and is a bad example to set for my daughter. In fact, I went so far as to ask for help in figuring out how to NOT feel like I need a man. I just found your blog, but I am subscribing right now. I have a feeling I will learn a thing or two from you. Thank you for putting those thoughts out there. I aspire to be as strong as you sound in that post.
Posted by: aMom2E | October 14, 2008 11:08 PM
One of the many problems with being so needy for a man is that it shows, and it tends to attract the wrong types of men, the losers and the users. They sense that a woman is "desperate" and will latch onto her to take advantage of her.
My mother-in-law is a perfect example of this. She raised Mike and his two siblings as a single mom for most of their lives, Mike's father abandoned his family when the kids were young. He seldom paid a dime in child support.
Things were rough for MIL, and she really wanted to get married again, to have a man around to take care of her and her kids. So when she met this guy named Gene, she fell head over heels, and probably ignored a lot of warning signs about him. Gene had a couple of kids of his own who lived with him, where their mother was, I don't know.
No sooner was the ink dry on the marriage license, Gene and his kids moved into MIL's house. Gene's kids were horrible, ill-behaved brats who would not even obey their own father, never mind their stepmother. Mike and his brother and sister had to do chores, but these brats felt that they were exempt. It went on and on.
Gene was home less and less, and it wasn't long until MIL found out that he was cheating on her. Basically, he was looking for a vulnerable woman to be a live-in maid and babysitter, so he could go out and screw around. Now, MIL is one of the ditziest people I know, but for once, she did the right thing. She kicked Gene and his kids out of her house and had the marriage annulled.
Still, he kept coming back and stalking her. They didn't have anti-stalking laws back then. But then Gene fucked up and broke into her house one day, he got his ass busted for breaking and entering.
It was a hard lesson learned. After that, she could never trust anyone enough to get married again. But some women make these same mistakes with men over and over again, it's pathetic.
Posted by: Christine | October 15, 2008 7:15 AM
Women tend to think they need a man to do the manly things around the house. That wasn't the case with me. My dad, has always taught me something that I would benefit from eventually in life. He taught me how to change a flat tire, check oil, etc... On the first day of my new job here in Florida about 12 years ago, I discovered I had a flat when getting ready to go home. I kicked off my shoes, rolled up my sleeves and proceeded to change the flat. Chris noticed and watched until I was done ( he told me that he would've lend a hand if I needed it) He said at that very moment he knew he wanted to get to know me better! Men like indedpendant women. For the most part they like a woman that can do things for herself. The day of the Barbie persona is over. Women need to know how to effectively take care of themselves and their children. It's a struggle sometimes but rewarding also. And for the record... when I met Chris I had already sworn off men altogether, so I wasn't looking for a relationship. That's when you least expect something wonderful to happen!
Posted by: Mindy | October 15, 2008 7:17 AM