My Single Mom Life

Back on July 6th, I entered a giveaway at She Scribes to win an Only Hearts Club doll.
There were 139 entries and I only entered just once, that was it.
These are the super cute dolls, totally adorable, posable, and more real type of dolls, no unrealistic body figures, just real looking little girls that each come with their own pets.
I really love these dolls, they are just real dolls, no big boobs, no crazy body figures, just honest to good looking dolls that look like real pre-tween girls.

I had been talking about getting these dolls for my nieces for a long time, the dolls are just super cute, and I think that my nieces would love them, so it was such an awesome surprise to get the email saying that I won!
I went to Buy.com to see if they sold the dolls, and they do!!!
They may not be on sale right now, but they are not so expensive that I can't buy 3 of them one at a time for my nieces and their step-sister Kayla. I would never buy 1 child a doll and not give all 3 of the girls a doll too.
So even though my sister and I are on the outs, I am still going to go through with my plan to get the girls their own doll, and I'm already one up now, so whichever doll I get, I'll pick the other 2 that I don't have.

Have you ever seen these dolls?!?
They are just too cute!!
Check them out!
Kimberly of She Scribes told me to pick out 3 dolls in order of preference because there is no guarantee that I will get the one that I want first, so I had to pick 3.
So in order of preference, I chose Olivia Hope, Anna Sophia, and Lily Rose.
I don't know if the dolls will come in those exact outfits, but it really doesn't matter, I'm just excited that I won one so that I can now start buying the other 2 dolls so all 3 of my nieces can have one just like I've been wanting to do for months and months now.

So even though a lot of bad has been happening for me lately, something good has risen from it all and makes me feel better.
I can't wait to get whichever doll they send me so I can start buying the other 2 dolls for Susan, Skye, and Kayla.
I miss them like crazy, they are my girls, but if I can't see them, at least I can mail them a box full of cute dolls filled with my love for them.

So thank you Kimberly of She Scribes, you've made me very happy today, winning this is so much appreciated, I can't even express it, so really, just a huge thank you.

Posted by Kat at 2:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

The winner of the Jessie Steele Vintage Apron in the pattern of Summer Lemons giveaway as chosen by random.org is comment #14!

And that comment belongs to...

Becca of Becca's Buzz!
Congrats Becca! I hope that you will enjoy your new apron!
I have already emailed her and she will have 48 hours to reply to my email with her shipping address or else I will draw a new winner.

I want to say a very special thanks to Single Edition and Jessie Steele for sponsoring this giveaway.
I had a ton of fun doing it, I learned some great recipes and tasty ideas from my entrants, and I look forward to having many more giveaways in the future.

There would have been more than 17 entries if people had followed the rules.
The giveaways on my blog are for bloggers only.
Whenever I've opened up giveaways to anyone and everyone, yeah sure, I get a lot of entries, but I also get a lot of fake entries, people using different names and email addies but all of their ips match, and that is not cool.
All totaled, there were over 200 entries, but after cleaning up all of the fake entries and getting rid of all of the non-bloggers who I did email to ask if they had a blog, it came down to exactly 17 actual and correct entries.
I hate to be such a stick in the mud about it, but I can easily match ip addies, I can verify everything that gets posted to the comments, so cheaters, sorry, you've all been banned.
It's written right there in my rules.

I can check and verify IP addresses and email addresses. *wink*
If you are caught cheating, you will be banned from this giveaway and any future giveaways on my blogs.

Posted by Kat at 5:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

On Monday the 27th, my doctor called in 3 new medicines for me because it was what we had discussed doing, but I was also feeling sick when they got called in, I just wasn't feeling right, a slight fever, stomach upset, but I attributed it to the Elavil causing stomach upset like it has been doing every night since taking it.
I was on my regular pain meds, the new antidepressant which does cause stomach upset after taking it, and then clonidine to help me quit smoking, and phenergan to alleviate the sickness from all of the other meds that I take, and valium to help alleviate the stress of quitting smoking.
All 3 of these meds are what we talked about at my last appointment on the 14th, but my doctor wanted to check them against any allergies that they may produce with all of the other meds that I take.
I picked them up around 5:30pm Monday night, and took the first dose of each 3 as I was told to do, 1 of each every 8 hours.
All 3 of these new meds cause severe drowsiness, which is fine by me because I rarely ever sleep anyway.
Within an hour of taking that first dose, I was deathly sick, so so freaking sick I was scared that something was very, very wrong with me, that whatever it was that I had previous, had grown even bigger and was just going to knock me down.
By the time I posted on Tuesday the 28th, I was barely coherent, Sebastian actually posted this post for me because I couldn't even sit up, never mind type, my vision was blurry, I was slurring my speech, I couldn't walk, it was very, very bad.

This is definitely way TMI, (too much information) but literally within an hour of taking that first dose and every single dose afterward, I became deathly ill.
I was puking up nothing but stomach bile, I had diarrhea so bad I was becoming massively dehydrated.
I couldn't drink anything, I couldn't eat anything, the smell of food was making me nauseous and having the diars.
On the night of the 29th around 9pm, I was just so so sick and the boys were so scared, and so was I, I was terrified that I was going to get even worse than I was, so Sebastian called a friend of mine after I couldn't reach another friend, I could barely put 2 words together, and they came and drove me to the hospital.

After some blood and urine tests, and the doctor checked all of the medicines that I take, she said that I am allergic to 2 of the 3 new medicines that I was given, that they were interacting very badly with the meds that I take all of the time, and that they were causing my blood pressure to rise, affecting my thinking, affecting my ability to control my bowels, affecting everything that I did.
I had no motor control of my entire body,
She immediately gave me IV fluids and 2 different shots of stuff to try and get those medicines out of me, she considered pumping my stomach, but it has been hours since I had taken the last dose, and then she gave me something for the pain that I was in.
My stomach was just an absolute wreck from all of the cramping, puking, and the diars, I puked about 4 times in the ER cubicle that I was in, I hate puking in front of other people.
After an hour of IV fluids and medicines being pumped into me, I felt a thousand times better, not perfect, but seriously a thousand times better than I had been when I walked into the ER at Doctors Hospital.
I don't go to Sarasota Memorial any more after what they did to me on June 6th 2008 when I went in for the massive shoulder pain that I was having.
Instead of checking me for that, they ran EKGs and other heart attack tests, and when those came back fine, he gave me a percoset and sent me home.
He never did any xrays or ct scans, and if he had, he would have seen the vertebrae in my neck pinching off my spinal cord which is what caused me to have to have the spine fusion in September 2008.
They never even admitted me to the ER that night, no wrist band ID, no paperwork, no release papers, just here's a percoset, now get out of here.
1 month later, I was in my surgeons office being told that I needed to have another spine fusion or I was going to die.

The ER doc at Doctors Hospital treated me very well, didn't talk down to me, understood everything that was going on, and she truly helped me.
She also said that she faxed over to my pain doc the findings of the medicine that I was taking, that I was allergic to it, and that it was in my chart to call my pain doc in the morning and explain it to him and to tell him to give me something else. She also said that if I don't hear from my pain doc by noon, to call them myself and ask them if they got the fax or the call from Doctors Hospital, and explain it myself if need be and give them the number of the doc who treated me last night.
She gave me 2 new scripts, but I only had enough money to pay for 1 of them because my insurance doesn't cover either of them, so I have to wait to pick up the second one.
That's ok, at least I have one of them, I don't feel as sick, and my stomach is slowly starting to stop cramping up and freaking out.
I just feel so much better knowing that I wasn't going crazy, that I didn't do anything wrong, that it was a medical allergy to the meds.
Now I can add 2 more meds to the list of meds I cannot take.
I am severely allergic to morphine, albuterol, and now clonidine and phenergan.
I was taking the phenergan to help stop the sickness, the puking and diars, and I was taking the clonidine to help me quit smoking.
Now we're going to have to try something else, and hopefully, it won't cause me to be sick too.

I am so sorry that I have not been around for a few days, but what was happening to me was beyond my control, the meds I was taking should have helped me, not hurt me like they did.
I drew the winner of the Jessie Steele apron, and I'm going to post the winner right after this one publishes.
I am very sorry to be posting it late, but life and health gets in the way sometimes.
I have a lot of emails to answer, but I will get to them ASAP.
Later days.

Posted by Kat at 4:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I think the stress of everything has finally caught up with me, I have been very sick for last 2 days.
Doc called in medicine but it makes me very loopy and tired.
3 different meds, all cause drowsiness.
Apron drawing maybe have to be postponed for a bit, not sure how long.
Thanks for understanding.

Posted by Kat at 10:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

After 11 years of living on this street and begging the city for sidewalks, they finally agreed to put them in.

When I went out to get the mail yesterday, I found a door tag hanging on the doorknob that said construction of sidewalks begins on Monday 7/27/2009, and will end on 8/28/2009.
Legally, there should have been sidewalks here many years ago.
If a students live within 2 miles of their school, they cannot take the bus to school, so they have to walk or ride their bikes.
There are 2 elementary schools within 2 miles of this street, and there are a ton of kids in this neighborhood who have to walk, so they've had to walk on the sides of the road for years and years to get to school.
So many kids have been driven off the road by cars going up and down the street speeding, honking, scaring kids, and just people walking to the store or whatever.
After awhile it gets pretty tiring hearing the alarms of fire trucks or police cars going after the speeders racing down the street, or going to rescue people from a car accident.
Last year, 3 kids were hit by cars while riding their bikes to school, and countless pedestrians have been run off the road or hit by cars as well, so it's about time the city listened to our complaints and agreed to put in the sidewalks.
All of the construction is going to suck, but at least we're finally going to be safe walking up the street.

Posted by Kat at 6:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

It's all over the news, people are battling bed bug infestations more than ever, and it's not a lot of fun.
When you go on a trip and stay in a hotel, you may run the risk of bringing bed bugs home with you, and like this family in Chicago, it can take a lot of time and money to get rid of the critters.

I was given the opportunity to try out a new product specifically designed to make sure that you don't bring home more than your suitcase.
The product is called Bug Zip, and it's a bed bug encasement system to help make sure you don't bring home the annoying and hard to get rid of bugs.
When you get to the hotel, you place your entire suitcase inside of the bug zip bag to help keep the bed bugs from attaching and staying on and in your suitcase.
They make several different sizes, including drawer liners, so that you can place your clothes inside the dresser at the hotel, but securely sealed up so the bed bugs cannot get in your clothes and then you end up bringing them home with you.

Even though we're not going on our vacation for another month, I tried out one of the bags anyway.
They are made of a really heavy duty plastic that is kind of slippery, which is good, because the bugs cannot climb up the bag and get inside to attach to your clothes.
I noticed that it also helps keep your clothes nice and fresh, like straight from the dryer fresh, once you place all of your clothes inside and zip it shut.
It also keeps pet hair off your clothes.
My cats love to sleep on fresh and warm from the dryer clothes, so I always end up with a ton of cat hair all over them.
Not anymore.
You can use the bug zip bags at home if you have an infestation too.
You just place all of your clean clothes in the bag so any bugs that may be in your home while it's being treated to get rid of them, don't get on your clothes.

I think it's a really great product for people who travel a lot.
I've heard and read too many horror stories in the news about people staying at hotels and then ending up with a massive infestation at home that can take months and months to get rid of.
That's something that I never ever want to deal with, so yeah, even though I'm not sure where we'll be staying yet, if it's a hotel, I'll be bringing the bug zip bags with me.

Posted by Kat at 5:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I told you about Mark breaking the hand-held shower head last week, right?
Well, I didn't have the money to replace it right away so I had to put the old low-flow shower head back on, it sucks, but at least we could still take showers.
Today Mindy called me up and said that she found a hand-held shower head at Wal-mart for a good price, so she and her husband Chris picked it up for me.
Then after they dropped off their son Jeff at work tonight, they came over and Chris installed it for me.
It's not a Moen faucets shower head, but it's a damn good one with like 4 different spray settings.

I need a hand-held shower head because of my head being stuck the way it is, I have to take it down and use the hand-held to rinse my hair and the rest of my body off, so I totally thank them for picking it up for me, and when i get the money to pay them back which should be this week, I will pay for it.
I do totally appreciate them picking it up though, that old low-flow was totally sucky trying to take a shower with.

Posted by Kat at 9:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Ha ha!
I do, really!

The teens and I had watched all of season 1 of the HBO show True Blood on Netflix, we rented all 5 of the dvds in the series and watched from beginning to end, but the new season just started a few weeks ago, and we were totally bummed that it was going to be a long time before we got to watch season 2.

Well I did some searching online and found all of the episodes that have aired so far on a movie watching site, kind of like Hulu.
I told the teens that I found them, and so every night at dinner now, we have watched a new episode, so now we are all totally caught up with the goings on with Sookie, Bill, Tara, Sam, Eric, and new vampire, Jessica.
I still don't know what Maryann is or why she's doing what she's doing, but it's very interesting that she can control people's emotions, make them angry, happy, or absolutely crazy happy.

This is just such a great show, so well written and acted, I love everything about it and the opening song by Jace Everett is quite catchy.

Posted by Kat at 2:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I had been buying the cats a fairly expensive brand of cat food for indoor older cats because Kali is now 12 and wasn't doing so well.
She started gacking (throwing up) up her food all of the time, her nose was always dry, she was lethargic and just not herself.
I took her to the vet and they told me to put her on a better cat food that had better ingredients for indoor cats.
I was buying a cat food that cost $16.99 for a 7lb bag of cat food, and with 4 cats, I was buying 2 bags per month.
She started doing better on this food, but she still didn't seem to have much energy, and her fur still wasn't as shiny and as soft as I knew it could be.

About 5 months ago, I saw a new cat food on the shelves at Publix, so I picked up the bag and a bag of the cat food that I was buying so I could compare ingredients.
The ingredients were almost exactly the same, it had the same concentration of each ingredient, and it actually had some good and wholesome ingredients that the other brand didn't have like whole grain brown rice, real vegetables, and garden greens.
The only other significant difference?
The price.
This new cat food is only $4.99 for a 7lb bag, a savings of $12.00.

Since I have been buying and feeding all 4 of the cats this new cat food, The Goodlife Recipe indoor cat formula for cats, (it is available for dogs too) all 4 of the cats are doing exceptionally well.
Kali is thriving, she no longer gacks up any of her food, her nose is always wet, she has more energy, and her fur is soft and shiny again.

Nova used to always have very coarse fur, even on the other pricier cat food, her fur was dried out, coarse, and she had dandruff.
It was really kind of gross petting her.
Now Nova's fur is soft, shiny, and beautiful, she has no more dandruff at all, and she also no longer wants to eat grass as much.
It used to be when we opened the door, she would stand there and meow until we got her some grass from the yard, she needed to eat fresh green grass to help with her digestion, not anymore, the Goodlife Recipe cat food has all of the fresh greens and vegetables she needs to be able to properly digest her food and not have any stomach upset at all.

Shahiro and Carmine are also doing very well on the Goodlife Recipe cat food.
They are happy, have soft and shiny fur, and have more energy to run around and play.
All 4 of the cats seem to be in better moods too, they are wanting to cuddle and be pet more.
I don't know if that has anything to do with the food, but it's something that I have noticed over the last few months since switching them all to the Goodlife Recipe food.

The Goodlife Recipe indoor cat food is just really a terrific cat food in my opinion, and the price really makes a heckuva difference too.
When you have to buy 2 7lb bags a month, paying a lot for pet food, especially in these tough economic times, you start questioning whether or not you can keep your beloved pets around.
Now that I'm only spending about $10.00 per month instead of $34.00 per month, I know that I can afford to keep my precious kitties with us.
So if you're struggling to keep food in your pets bowl during these hard financial times, check out The Goodlife Recipe pet foods.
They have all of the best ingredients to keep your pets healthy and happy for a fraction of the cost.
Just make sure that if you do switch your pets over, switch them over slowly by mixing the new food in with their old a small amount at a time and gradually increasing the percentage of new food to old until it's all new food in their bowl.
Switching them to a new food without doing it gradually, can make them very sick.
If you want to try out The Goodlife Recipe pet food, you can even print a coupon to get a dollar off, and considering it's already very cheap, saving an extra dollar will make you and your wallet happy.

Posted by Kat at 3:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I couldn't sleep on Monday night, and I didn't even get a nap in on Tuesday afternoon because Verizon was here installing the Fios internet.
The guy was here for about 3 hours or so, he had to run some new lines into my house because the lines that were there on the outside of the house, had all been cut by someone.
That's really weird, who would cut the lines every so many feet?

Anyway, by the time he left, I had a massive migraine and was dead exhausted, but I still had to make dinner for the teens before I could get some sleep.
So I made dinner and tried wicked hard to stay awake, but the tiredness was totally winning out.
I went and laid on the couch and set the alarm to wake me up in 2 hours, I just needed to take a quick nap so that I could get back up and do the rest of what I needed to do.

So I slept for 2 hours starting at 7:30pm, woke up at 9:30pm, and then I went and did all of the dishes that I needed to do from dinner, and I picked up the rest of the mess that got made by the Fios guy.
I had to put my coffee table back where it's supposed to be, I had to fix my monitor again, he moved it, ugh, he moved it from it's perfect spot and position, and it took me nearly 20 minutes to set it right again.
OCD is a terrible thing man, it's just very disruptive to my peace and well being to have my things moved around and things got dropped on the floor under my desk, and so yeah, it was kind of hard for me to have him here for 3 hours touching my stuff, moving things, dropping things.

Once I got everything picked up and back in place, finished the dishes, I was ok again, I could relax for the rest of the night.
I went to bed around 2am, which is actually very early for me, I usually don't go to sleep until 5 or 6am, and I slept until around 11am, which is very late for me, I actually got some sleep for a change which was nice.

The teens went to the store and picked up subs for dinner, some eggs so I can finally make the cake that Sebastian has been asking me to make for like a week now, and I talked on the phone to a friend who is dealing with the same stuff I have been dealing with.
Chronic pain, depression, medication and being accused of being a drug addict.
She has been dealing with it for 20 years, her family won't even speak to her, and when they do, it's negative, it's not understanding, it's misinformed about chronic pain and medication to treat that pain.
It was very helpful to talk to her because it helped me see that I am not the only one dealing with this kind of thing, and that no matter how hard it is, no matter how much it hurts to have people think that, that we know the truth, our doctors know the truth, and someday, or maybe even never, other people will learn the truth, they will get educated on chronic pain and medication. They will learn that the meds don't get us "high" or "stoned", that it's impossible for us to get messed up on them due to tolerance after years and years of being on the medication, that we sign contracts with our pain management doctors and if we break those contracts by doing any illegal drugs, that we will be kicked out of their office and blacklisted to all other pain doctors in the state that we live in.
Those contracts will be broken if we do any illegal drugs, and they will know if we do any illegal drugs because they urine test us every single month when we go in for our regular every 30 day appointment.
Our doctors can even call us up for random drug testing if they want to.
They can call us and tell us that we need to be at their office at a certain time that day, and we have to take a urine drug test, and if we test positive for any drugs other than what they prescribe us, that's it, the contract is broken, we get kicked out and blacklisted.
I have passed every single drug test, regular monthly testing and random call-up testing, for as long as I have been seeing pain management doctors, which is now 5+ years.
Someday, I hope, the people who think that I'm doing illegal drugs, will realize that I'm not, that they will get educated about chronic pain and the medication.
Until that day comes though, there is nothing that I can do except to cut the negativity out of my life, keep doing what my doctors tell me to do, and to keep trying to live my life the best way that I can for me and my sons.

Later days.

Posted by Kat at 8:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Were gonna last longer,
Than the greatest wall in China,
Or that rabbit with the drum.

If there's one thing that I learned,
While waiting for my turn,
Is that in each life some rain falls,
But you also get some sun.

And we'll make out better than ok,
Hear what I say?
Yeah, any day.
_______________________________

I've been hearing this song, the theme song from the tv show Roseanne, playing over and over in my head for the last couple of days.
What's funny is that several friends who have been emailing back and forth with me, have also said the variation of the first line of this song to me, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
I've been awake all night again, and I was clicking through the channels, and there was the show on 2 different channels.
So yeah, any day now.

by John Popper (of Blues Traveler)

Posted by Kat at 9:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Thanks to Single Edition and Jessie Steele, I have a new item to giveaway to 1 lucky reader!

Jessie Steele sells vintage inspired aprons that are beautiful as well as functional.
From their site;

Jessie Steele's vintage-inspired, hostess and kitchen aprons prove true the old adage that beauty and style are timeless. Influenced by the romantic visions of a bygone era, and designed in vibrant colors, flirty patterns and figure flattering shapes, these fine quality, retro-chic cooking aprons make the perfect fashion accessory in or out of the kitchen.

I have 1 gorgeous apron to giveaway to just 1 lucky reader.
The design is called "Summer Lemons", and it is a really flirty and fun print, and it's perfect to wear during the summer months to help keep you clean while cooking or baking in the kitchen all summer, or even while having a BBQ in the back yard.

Heirloom quality Designer Hostess Apron constructed from a fine Linen/Cotton Blend. Ties at neck and waist for easy adjusting. Contrast Bias-trimmed at edges. Button details on the chest and pocket. An absorbent terry towel attached at the hip adds extra utility in the kitchen. Appropriate for not just cooking, but for any occasion!

I received 2 of these aprons, 1 for me to keep, and 1 for me to giveaway to 1 of you!
When I opened the package for my apron, I instantly fell in love with the print!
It is just too cute!
And I love that it comes with a detachable terry cloth towel buttoned on the left hand side, so that I have a towel right by my side to wipe my hands on while cooking.
I hate having to look for a dishtowel, or trying to remember where I sat it down last as I'm busily preparing dinner.
The apron will fit most any size, you can tie it any way you like so that it will fit you comfortably!

Rules:
The giveaway is only open to United States bloggers, excluding Alaska and Hawaii. (Sorry Alaska and Hawaii!) *sad*
This giveaway is only open to people who have blogs, this is a blogger only giveaway.
Only 1 entry per person/family/household.
Only 1 person per IP address can enter the giveaway and complete the required entry and extra entries.
No entering on behalf of others, using extra identities or others identities, no automated program entries, etc.
I can check and verify IP addresses and email addresses. *wink*
If you are caught cheating, you will be banned from this giveaway and any future giveaways on my blogs.
This giveaway is only open to those ages 18+ only.
All entries must be received by 11:59 pm Eastern Time on Tuesday July 28th, 2009.
I will pick the winner randomly using random.org on Wednesday July 29th, and email the winner and they will have 48 hours to claim their prize.
If I do not get a reply within 48 hours, I will pick a new winner using random.org again.

How to enter:
The required entry:
For a chance to win, leave me a comment telling me what your best food dish is, what is the #1 food item that you love to make, cook, or bake, the #1 thing your family and friends ask you to make!

For extra entries:
The following are all for 1 additional entry each, and you must leave a separate comment for each 1 that you do.
If you bundle entries in 1 comment, the comment will be disqualified and deleted.

1.
Post a new comment giving me the recipe for the best food dish that you make!

2.
Blog about this on your blog, link back to this post, and leave a separate comment with the url to your post.
The post must remain on your blog for the duration of the contest, 1 week.
Link to Jessie Steele's website in your post.
The url is http://www.jessiesteele.com

3.
Post about this giveaway with a link back to this post on Twitter, and then leave a comment on this post with the link to your Twitter post about this contest.
You can Twitter the following if you want to;
Kat is giving away a vintage inspired Jessie Steele Apron! http://bit.ly/4hgjM

4.
Follow me on Twitter.

Posted by Kat at 2:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (19)

Because as soon as you ask that, something else will go wrong.
There is just so much going on around here, it's absolute chaos at times, I am completely overwhelmed at the amount of crap that I am having to deal with, and I made the mistake of asking the universe what else they felt like throwing at me, so the universe answered.

Last night, Mark went in the kitchen to get a snack, and grabbed the handle on the silverware drawer, pulled, and the whole drawer front came right off in his hand.
I was able to nail it back in place, I need to get some wood glue and some small vice grips to hold it in place until the wood dries.

Today, Mark went in to take a shower, slipped, and he so he grabbed the hand-held shower hose to keep himself from falling.
He didn't fall or get hurt, thank goodness, but the hand-held shower broke.
It snapped right at the screw on part of the hose, snapped it right in half.
I luckily, still had the old shower head, it sucks, it's a low flow and can't be moved, but at least we will still be able to take showers until I can go and buy a new hand-held shower head.

It's just one thing after another around here, it just keeps piling on, and I am so overwhelmed with everything, and it totally sucks that more and more keeps getting added to the pile of crap that I am trying to wade through.
I really hope that all of this madness ends soon, it's more than I can take right now.

Posted by Kat at 6:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

One of the possible side effects of the antidepressant I am taking is weight gain, and I am not too happy about that possibility at all.
It's also supposed to make me sleepy, but it's not.
Instead of falling asleep or even feeling tired, I end up wide awake and zooming around the house for hours after taking it.
I am really concerned about possibly gaining weight, I don't need to gain any more weight, so I may discuss with my doctor a product that says it can not only help with weight loss, but also help with my sleep issues, it's called Stemulite.
I read over their site, watched the video they have about it, read through the testimonials, watched the testimonials, and those people seem to be having really good results with it, so it may be a solution for both my sleep and weight problems.

Posted by Kat at 5:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I've spent all afternoon cleaning the house, getting things picked up, doing all of the dishes and laundry, and I just started to cook the dinner.
The whole kitchen is clean, I scrubbed it top to bottom after doing all of the dishes, and the only thing I have left to do in there is sweep and mop the floor.
I'm going to do that after dinner and after washing all of the dinner dishes.

Even though I had already cleaned the bathroom last night, Sebastian decided that it needed to be cleaned again, so he went in and scrubbed the bathroom top to bottom, he even cleaned the tub!
The teens never clean the tub.
Ever.
So that was wicked nice of him to do, because I really hate cleaning the tub.
Mark is going to mow the lawn tomorrow, but today he cleaned up his room, picked everything up off of the floor so that I can just go in and sweep and then mop it later on when I do the rest of the floors.
The only room that I have left to do is the living room.
I need to pick everything up, dust everything off, polish the coffee tables, they haven't been cleaned really good in a long time and it shows, so I definitely need to do those.
I also need to Windex the tv screen, my computer monitor, and the teens tv and monitor, and the bathroom mirror.
I just want to get the whole house clean, it hasn't been really cleaned in a long time due to how I was feeling, having a dirty house really didn't bother me too much, I wasn't caring about it to be honest.
I spent most of my time either laying in bed, laying on the couch, or surfing blindly around the internet. I just wasn't giving a crap about much of anything.
Maybe the antidepressants are starting to work after just 5 days, because I feel like taking care of the house again, so maybe they are working.
___________________________

Tomorrow, I need to call around and see if I can find a dentist or an oral surgeon to take care of my tooth, and hopefully my cheap health insurance will cover it.
I think that medicare will cover part of it, and then maybe Humana will cover part of it too.
I know that Humana covers some things for me other than just prescriptions, so I should just call them and ask if dental is covered, and if they know of an oral surgeon who can work with me and my non-moving head.
If my insurance won't cover it, then I'll need to find one who can yank it for cheap because it's really starting to hurt pretty bad. It's loose now, too, instead of just having a hole in it, it's now also loose, so eating is interesting.
When I chew on anything, even trying to chew on the left side of my mouth, the tooth wiggles, and it's painful.
Gah.
Must get it out.
Soon.
____________________________________

I have a whole cut-up chicken cooking in the NuWave right now, it's almost done!
I baked them for 30 minutes, they were cooked all of the way through, and I just poured some super yummy Sweet Baby Ray's bbq sauce over each piece, and the twice baked potatoes are almost done too.
I made a super yummy Sunday night dinner for us, and then after dinner, I'll finish the cleaning that I started.
We've had a really good day here, nice, quiet, happy.

Posted by Kat at 5:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I was going through my blog feeds, trying to catch up, when I saw on Charlotte's blog that she posted about my latest love, True Blood.
Well, not the show True Blood, but the books the show is based on by Charlaine Harris, The Sookie Stackhouse Novels.

Charlotte posted that Buy.com had them on sale for $28.97, they are normally $55.93.

I actually have this set of books on my wish list at another online retailer because they also put them on sale, but for $1.79 more than Buy.com has them.
I know, that's not a huge difference in price, but when you are trying to save money, every single penny counts.


















I started watching the first season of True Blood on Netflix because so many of my friends had told me how amazing the show is, and they were right.
We finally finished watching all of season 1, finishing the discs off yesterday.
Yes, even the teens are hooked on this show.
It has pretty much everything that someone would want to watch.
It has action, romance, thrills, horror, comedy, drama, and vampires!
It's a really fantastic show, I can't wait to be able to watch season 2, but I know that it's going to be a long time before season 2 is out on dvd and on Netflix, and because it's such a popular show, it will probably be awhile before I get to see all of the episodes in season 2.

I love all of the characters on the show, but I have to say that Lafayette is probably my favorite so far.
He is just so freaking funny!
They give his character some of the best lines to say, it's hysterical.
I love how you're never really sure what is going to happen next, who is trustworthy, who isn't, and they keep you guessing on a lot of stuff, like who the murderer was.
One of the characters was killing off any woman who had "been with" a vampire, and they were dropping clues here and there, but just when I thought I knew who the killer was, they go and show you something else that makes you change your mind and have to start guessing all over again.
I was really kind of shocked to find out who the killer was, the teens were surprised too.

And probably just like every other woman who watches True Blood, I have to say, the really old Nordic vampire, Eric Northman, played by actor Alexander Skarsgard, is an absolute hotty.

The man is really good looking as a vampire.
I don't think he's that good looking normally, but with the long hair and pale smooth skin, he looks really good.

I love to read, but I don't find myself having enough time to read anymore, especially when I have the internet, but if a book is really good, if it can hold my interest so that I stay reading and not get bored and hop on the net, then I'll read it start to finish in a couple of days.
I love reading vampire books, I read the entire series that Anne Rice put out, and just about every other book about vampires, and everyone raves about this set of books just like they rave about the show.

I'll probably either try to save up money to get this set after our trip, or I'll go to the library and see if they have them, and take out as many of them at a time as I can in series order.
I think our library lets you take out 6 items at a time, so I could take out 6 and then have 1 of the teens take out the last 1, so that I can have all 7 of them at once and I can read them in order from start to finish.
I want to see if the books are better than the show, or if the show is as loosely based on the books as people say it is.
The books are the basis for the show, but they took a lot of liberties and changed things up a bit to make the show, but the books are still a really excellent read people say.

Posted by Kat at 2:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

So many lies have been said, told to other people about what happened here, about me and my sons, and it has to end.
My sons are being hurt right now and not by me.
The lies that have been said about me and what happened here, are destroying my family.
My parents have been told horrible lies about what I did, about things that I supposedly said and did.

Every single email that has come in to my account from any family member, have been read by my sons.
I do NOT hide anything from them, they know every single word that has been said, and they are really angry about the lies that have been told about me to my family.

The boys called for help, they were scared and worried, they needed a break, but things were blown completely out of proportion, twisted around, made to sound so much worse than they really were, and now the boys are being hurt, it's not right or fair.

Every month when I see my doctor, I have to pee in a cup, I am tested for illegal drugs.
If illegal drugs are found in my system, I will be kicked out of my doctor's office and blacklisted to all other pain management doctors.
I have passed every single pee test because I am NOT doing illegal drugs like my family was told I was doing.
I have not done any illegal drugs or had an alcoholic drink, those are lies, and my doctor can confirm that.
There is a bottle of wine that was sent to me by an advertiser to do a product review of, in my refrigerator for the last 5 months.
It is in there unopened, I have not done the product review, I have not had a single drink in almost a full year.

I am seeing a counselor and will continue to see the counselor, but no, the counselor did not disagree with me, they disagreed with the people saying that I needed to be off of the pain medication.
The counselor has spoken to my doctor about increasing my medication, not taking me off of it, so to have people say that they know more or better than the doctors is really frustrating.

I don't want anyone's help getting the money to go to Maine, I will do it on my own.
I NEVER asked for help getting the money to go, I don't want help getting the money to go.

It really hurt the boys to read the email that came in this morning saying that if we do come to Maine, that they will not be welcome to stay, it crushed them.
I am not the one using them as pawns on a chess board, all they wanted was a break because I was extremely depressed and it scared them, not because I was doing illegal drugs, that was an outright lie said to make me look like a bad person and a bad mother.
I admit and have been admitting all along, for months and months, that I was depressed, that I needed help, that things here were bad, but no one was listening, no one was doing anything to help.
And now, some very serious and terrible lies are being said about what happened here, about what I did, they are all terrible lies, and no one will listen because people have been convinced that I'm a lying and irrational drug addict.

As for me being able to fly on a plane to get there, it will be extremely hard, it will be very painful for me to sit in one of those seats for hours and have to walk from gate to gate, but my sons want to see their grandparents, so I will deal with the pain so that they can go and visit.
Are more lies being said about what kind of shape I am in physically?
Has it been said that I am not as bad off physically as I am?
Should I have my surgeon call?
Should I have my doctors call and explain it all so that you can hear it for yourself?
If it will help you see that horrible lies have been said, then I will, I will call them and give them permission to tell you everything about my physical condition, because it is obvious from reading that email that you believe what has been said to you about everything.

My sons don't even know what Baker Act or Marksman Act means, they were asked that question today by my friend who gave me a ride to the store and then sat here and talked to us for awhile.
They do not know what those things mean, someone else told them those things, just like someone else is telling you all of the other really horrible lies that have been said.
My sons did not want me locked up or sent to rehab, they simply wanted a break from having to deal with my depression and pain.
It is other people who made phone calls to the rehab, it is other people who told them to say those things to me, and if you would talk to the boys they will tell you that.
But you won't talk to the boys, you won't ask them what really happened, you don't even want them to come visit, they are absolutely crushed and hurt, and they are angry over all of the lies that have been said.

Since the boys have been home, Mark last Sunday, and Sebastian on Monday, NO ONE has come to this house to try and talk to us, so it is impossible for me to have opened the door, tell the person to fuck off, and then slam the door.
NO ONE came here, and they are really, really angry that was said because it is a lie.
NO ONE has called here to talk, the boys are the ones who answer the phone, they are usually the ones to answer the door too, so what was said about me slamming the door in their face was an outright lie, just like all of the other lies that have been said.

As for being a teenager and doing drugs back then, yup, I've never denied that either, but I wasn't the only one in our family doing that, but it's so easy to forget that.
Heck, my very first beer was given to me by them, I was taken to my first party by them, they gave me my first taste of drugs, but that's all forgotten isn't it?

I'm supposed to say thank you?
Thank you for all of the lies that have been said about me?
Thanks for making up things that never happened, thanks for blowing this up and exaggerating what really happened?
No, sorry, I will not say thank you for that because it has destroyed my family.
Really horrible lies have been said but no one will listen because everyone just assumes that "it is the drugs that are making me such an irrational person right now."
I'm not the one causing all of the stress, I called my doctors for help, I didn't involve anyone else, I didn't call you up and tell you what was going on because I knew that it would be stressful for you, so I was handling it on my own.
Other people called you up and filled you with stress and worry, not me, but I'm being blamed for that, of course, it makes total sense, blame the person who DID NOT call you up and tell you all of this.

Did they also tell you that during my first surgery in 2006 when they were supposed to be taking care of the boys at their house, that they brought the boys back home after just 6 days?
I was in the hospital for 18 days, the boys were brought back home after just 6 days, so they spent 12 days completely alone in the house when they were just 12 and 14 years old.
I was in the hospital and they were at home alone for 12 days.
No one told me about that for a full year after the surgery, and it was the boys who told me.
No one has ever apologized for that, it was never even discussed by the person who did that, they think that I don't know, but I do, and I am angry.
The boys slept in my bed, they were scared, Sebastian cried himself to sleep every night, and Mark slept with a knife under his pillow because he was scared to be home alone with no adult, they were supposed to be staying with someone until I got home, but they were dropped off here after just 6 days.
Am I supposed to say thank you for that too?!
Pretty much the same thing happened during the second surgery in 2008 too.

Everyone thinks that I'm being mean and ungrateful, but I have said thank you for every single bit of help that I have ever gotten, people think that I'm being mean and vindictive, but I have not done a single thing in retaliation, I have not done anything to hurt anyone else.
I have not lied, and I have not tried to ruin someone else life by lying or telling the truth about that person's life.
I could, but no one would believe me anyway, and it would probably be said that I was lying and being mean just to get back at that person.
I could break the promise that I made to "never tell mom and dad" about all of the things I promised to keep a secret.
But I won't because I'm not a mean and vindictive person, I don't do things to hurt other people, I would never betray a promise that I made.
I will say though that I have some very serious concerns, a "monster" is doing something bad, and I am ashamed of myself for not trying to stop it, but I made a promise, and I will never ever betray something said in confidence just to try and make people believe me.

No matter what I do right now, it will be the wrong thing.
I will lose no matter what I do, and I already have lost based on lies.
I have now lost my parents because of lies and that hurts so freaking bad but there is nothing that I can do, they will never believe me because the lies are so big and so deep, it will just be said that I'm a lying drug addict and this is what lying drug addicts do.
My friend told me today that eventually the truth will come out, and when it does, everything will be ok.
I hope so, I really hope that the truth does come out eventually because it really hurts that my parents don't want anything to do with me, they don't want us to come visit, they said that we can only come visit for 1 day, that we are not welcome to stay.
They are hurt and angry because of lies and there's nothing that I can say or do to prove those lies.
Even if my doctors called them up, told them the truth about my physical condition, and that I passed every single drug test, they wouldn't believe me.
The lies are so big and so deep.
All I can do is hope and wait for the truth to come out someday.
My boys are very hurt, so very, very hurt, they read that email about not being welcome to stay and everything else that it said, and they are very angry and very hurt, they know the truth, they know that what has been said is all a lie, and they both have said that if they are not welcome there, then they don't want to be there either.
No one wants to hear the truth, everyone is believing the lies, no one will even listen to the boys, they were here, they know the truth, they know that I wasn't doing any illegal drugs, they know the truth about everything!

This is all way to much to deal with, it's killing me, it's hurting the boys, and no one will listen to the real truth, the lies are told so well that no one will listen to the real truth.
I will NEVER speak to that person again, never.

Posted by Kat at 7:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I've been so wrapped up in chaos and now planning a vacation, that it didn't even register with me, even though I was saying it every time I said that we were flying out on August 15th, Mark's birthday, that it was his birthday.
I mean, I know it's birthday, but it wasn't clicking in my brain. Ha ha.

So tonight, it finally clicked, and I was all dude, in 1 month, you're turning 18, so have you thought about what you might want for your birthday?
I reminded him that I'm doing everything that I can to take them to Maine to visit the grandparents, so he'll be there with his family for his birthday week which is totally awesome, I know that Great-Gram and Aunt Heather will love seeing him for his birthday, but I still want to get him something.
He said that he doesn't know what he wants yet, he's thought about a bunch of stuff, but hasn't nailed down what he'd like to have yet.

I would still like to get him a laptop, he's going to need one for when he goes to MCC in the fall. (Yes, I know they changed their name, but the new name escapes me at the moment)
So while he's deciding what he wants, I thought I'd go and check out what Buy.com has on sale this week.
They actually have 2 laptops on sale this week, it seems like they always have at least one laptop on sale every week, which is really good for people who are ready to buy one but don't have the money to spend $1,000 or more on one.

They have an Acer Aspire 5536-5165 Notebook for $479.99 with free shipping, and a refurbished HP G70-257CL Notebook for $499.99.
If I had the money to get him one right now, which I don't because taking them to Maine is my #1 priority right at the moment, but I will be trying to get him one when we get back, I would get him the Acer.

The Acer Aspire has everything that he would need to take notes, write papers, and it even has enough GB on it that he could install his WoW game on it.
Features
Screen Size 15.6"
Processor Manufacturer AMD
Hard Drive Capacity 320GB
Network Technology Wi-Fi Gigabit Ethernet
It comes with Windows Vista and a dvd writer, and all kinds of stuff, it would work very well for both his school needs and his gaming needs.
I am sure that when I am ready to buy him one, they will have another laptop on sale, or maybe they will even have this one back on sale again, I've seen this one on their weekly sale list every couple of months now.

Title of post is from the song "I'm eighteen" - by Alice Cooper

Posted by Kat at 12:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I hate having to block people from reading my blogs, but I am being left with no choice.
These blogs are my outlet, my place to write out my life and my feelings, what's going on with me and the teens.
People may not like what I have to say, but this is my life, how I feel, it's my therapy in a way.
My words should not be twisted around and tried to mean something that I didn't say.
What I write is what I have said, it's what I mean.

I had to block someone today that I never wanted to, I wanted them to be able to read and see me, to try and understand, but it's being taken and twisted around to be something that I never said.
That's not ok.
Lots of things are not ok, hurting my sons because they are mad at me is not ok.
Be mad at me but don't hurt them to get back at me, that just hurts them and makes them feel like pawns in the middle.

The boys have read every post I've written, they have read every email received and sent, they have read for themselves the words between myself and others, and they know what was said.
In the game, they were told the tickets were canceled, they weren't going.
In an email to me, it said the same thing, the tickets are canceled, not going.
Then another email to me saying the tickets are not canceled and they can go.
Then in the game again saying that I canceled the trip, that it was me who said that they couldn't go, that it was my decision to not let them go.
They both sat here and were so angry.
They read every single post and email, they know what was said, I don't lie to them, and I don't hide things from them, they know the truth.
They have read every single email, they even helped me write what I replied back, they wanted me to say no, that they wouldn't go with the person, they don't trust them to not take it away again if they get mad again.

I got an email last night, it said;
The tickets are cancelled, and I am done.

Then when I emailed back saying fine, I'll get them there on my own, and I posted to my blog my plans to get the boys there in August, I got another email that said;
The tickets are not canceled and I will take them. Because I love them both, and because I can't bear to leave them here and go up there, not because you are now trying to do whatever you need to do to make me take them.

I am not doing anything that I can to make the person take them, they said they canceled the tickets, that they were done, so I am doing whatever I can to take the boys there myself, they are the one flip-flopping on this and on the boys, and it's not ok.
You can't give them something huge like a trip to visit their grandparents, then yank it away in the video game and in an email to me, and then give it back, and then hop on the video game and lie and say to them that the trip was never canceled, that I'm the one who said they couldn't go, that's not ok, that hurts them.
They are hurt and they do not trust that if they say ok, they will go with the person to Maine, that if the person gets mad again, that the tickets will be yanked away again, they don't think they can trust the person, and I don't blame them.

That's why I'm going to do it, I'm going to get them there on my own, they cannot go through the flip-flopping again, it hurts too much and they have already been through enough.
So I blocked the person from reading my blogs, I had to, my words were being twisted around, taken the wrong way, and tried to use against me.
It's kind of funny to me, all of my readers have read these posts and they all read it the same way, it's obvious by reading the comments, but one person read the posts, and took them an entirely different way, the way they wanted to take them.
The posts are very clear, you don't need a decoder ring to try and decipher them, you don't need a group of Mesothelioma lawyers to try and figure out the legalese because there isn't any, it's all very clear cut, what I said is what I said.
I'm not that confusing, I'm not writing anything super complicated, it is what it is, it's really simple to understand, so in order to avoid any more confusion or misunderstandings, I blocked them from reading my blogs.
I can't keep having my words twisted around to mean something they don't, it's hurting too many other people and that's not right or fair.

Posted by Kat at 4:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It doesn't matter anymore that plane tickets were bought for my sons without my consent, things got even uglier around here, so so much worse.
The tickets have been taken away from the teens, and it was said that it was all my fault.

The boys were told that they were going, they were so excited to be going, it has been over 2 years (February 2007) since they last saw their grandparents, Ninny, Pop-pop, Great-Gram, and their Aunt Heather, they were very excited and looking forward to be able to see them all.
I was angry that the tickets were bought without my permission, I wrote that post on the night that I found out about the tickets, my emotions were reeling, I was really upset that I wasn't asked, that the plan was to keep it a secret for awhile, "until I calmed down and got over it and myself", but I did say that the boys could go, I said that they could go in that post, I agreed that they should go and they need a vacation, they need to go and be with their grandparents for a week or so.
It was discussed and agreed upon with no arguing or other problems, that they would be able to go and spend 3 days with their Great-Gram and Aunt Heather, they do need to see their family on their father's side of the family too.
Great-Gram and Aunt Heather have been a part of their lives since they were born, they love and miss them, and vice versa.
But the tickets have been taken away, they were canceled.
I apologized, I said that I was sorry about 15 times for the post I wrote, I begged for the teens to be allowed to go, and nope, just more of the same.
They were told this by way of private messaging on their video game.
They were told they weren't going and it was all my fault, that I am a crazy and irrational person with mental problems, while they were playing WoW.

Don't.
Even.
Get.
Me.
Started.
On.
That.
Just don't.

There is simply no excuse, no reason, and totally unacceptable that the teens were told they weren't going to Maine over the World of Warcraft message service while they were playing the game.

I admit that I have some problems right now, I haven't ever denied it, I've been posting all along on this blog and on KatScan, that I was feeling sad and depressed, I even posted that I knew that my body was physically addicted to the pain meds, but I am working on my issues with my doctor now, he's going to fix my pain meds next month by either upping the dose or changing me to something that will work better and for longer, I am now taking an antidepressant every single night, and I'm seeing a counselor every week now.
It took some time to get some help, but I have known all along what was happening to me, I just couldn't get the help I needed until now.
I'm sorry, so incredibly sorry that it took so long to get the help that I needed, but I knew what the problem was, and I knew what I needed, I took the steps to get the help that I needed, and I am getting help now.

The boys are extremely upset, Mark is absolutely furious, and Sebastian has cried for hours now, he feels like he's being punished and no one loves him, so I am going to do whatever it takes to get the boys to Maine to visit their grandparents and their aunt.
I have to do it, the boys are just so upset, they had their hopes up, they were excited, and it all came crashing down, I have to get them there.

I found the absolute cheapest flight from SmartFares for the only dates that we can do before Sebastian starts school again on August 24th.
I have to see my doctor on August 14th at 2pm, this is with my doctor, so I have to go to that appointment, and Mark's 18th birthday is on Saturday August 15th, and that is the day that we would be flying out, and we could stay until Saturday August 22nd.
I found some really low rates though, and I am pretty sure that I can pull this off.
Click for bigger for the itinerary and price.

It comes out to $170.23 per person, and then with taxes, fees, insurance, and I even found one that gave us a $10 discount per person, it comes out to a total of $734.43 to fly with Jet Blue, for 8 days.
We could spend about 3.5 days with each side of the family.
It's from Tampa to Portland Maine, and we wouldn't be leaving here until 7pm, so we wouldn't get to Maine until midnight, with a stop at JFK on the way up.
It sucks to get there so late at night, but I needed a cheap flight.
The way back kinda sucks too, we'd be leaving Maine at 6am and get to Tampa at 11am, with 1 stop at Reagan National in DC.
Those take-off and landing times kinda suck, but again, I need cheap.

I will have a $500 payment the first week of August that I can use toward the tickets, and I will just have to save and use up all of my pay from now until a little before we need to go, and hope that we can get the same prices.
I can't buy the tickets now, I don't have a credit card, I only have debit cards that can be used as credit cards, but only if you actually have the amount of purchase on your card at the time of purchase.
I have a loan that I need to pay off first, but I can do this, I can just work really super hard to come up with this money, I'm even going to have a yard sale in a few weeks and see how much I can make from that to put toward this trip too.
This is something that I have to do, the boys really need this trip, they need to see all of their grandparents, cuz let's face it, none of them are getting any younger.
My parents are in their 70's, and Great-Gram is in her 80's, so yeah, I need to get the boys up there to see all of their grandparents as soon as I can.
Every time that I talk to Heather, she tells me that Great-Gram is doing less and less, and that she doesn't leave the house to do things much anymore.
Great-Gram used to do a lot of stuff for someone her age.
She used to go to church every Sunday, she used to deliver meals on wheels 3 days a week, she volunteered at the senior center serving meals and helping other seniors a few days a week, and would drive herself all over the place running her errands and doing her shopping.
Now she tells Heather how tired she is all of the time, Heather is now the one driving Great-Gram to make her errands and do her shopping, and Heather has told me that if I can somehow get the boys up to see her, it would probably be a good thing to do it as soon as possible.
So yeah, I am going to use that payment that I get the first week of August and any pay I make from working, any money that I might make from the yard sale, and if I get any child support between now and then, I'll use that money too.
I'll pay off that loan that I have first, but then all the rest of any money that I get, will go toward this trip.
If I end up not making the full amount plus about another $200 to have to spend to feed the boys at the 2 airports on our layovers, and a little spending money for them while we are there, I will only buy 2 tickets and send the boys by themselves.

So tickets for the 3 of us are $734.43, plus I'll need about $200 for spending money, so the total that I need is $934.43.
I will have $500 of it the first week of August, so I need a total of $434.43.
I CAN do this, I can, I have to do this, the boys need to go visit all of their grandparents, and they were so upset to be told that they are not going and the tickets got canceled, so this is something that I have to do for them.
I can't stand seeing my sons so upset, I hate seeing them cry and be hurt like this, so I am going to do this for them.
It's going to be tough, money is tight right at the minute, but it is getting better, I have more work this week than I have had over the last month or so, and I am going to have that yard sale, so I am pretty sure that I can pull this off, and like I said, if I can't get enough for all 3 of us, I will just send the boys.
This is going to work.
I will make it work.

Posted by Kat at 2:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Back on July 3rd, I posted about the deal I got with Verizon for their Fios internet because of the 2 and a half years of being told that it wasn't available in my area, yet there was a Fios box attached to the back of my side of the duplex.
Well, Mel called me back again today to tell me that the installation tech will be here on Tuesday the 21st between noon and 2pm, to install the Fios internet for just $24.99 per month for an entire year.
I asked Mel like 3 times to make sure that the price was correct, that a supervisor's initials were on the order, and that it would be part of the contract.
I just really wanted to make sure that they weren't going to pull a fast one on me and tell me on the phone that I was going to get it for that price, and then when the 1st bill gets here, it says something totally different.
He reassured me that it does indeed say that I get it at that price, and he said it even says why in the computer that I get it at that price, and he even read it back to me.

"Customer was told for 2.5 years that Fios was not available in her area. Fios is and has been available. The neighborhood was mapped incorrectly as single family homes. The house at xxxx south Lockwood Ridge Road is 2 apartments, not a single family home. Customer will receive discount on Fios internet for the term of 1 year at the price of $24.99 per month beginning from the date of installation 7/21/2009 and ending on 7/21/2010."

It would be super nice to have, I agree, all those channels, HBO so I could watch True Blood, but we really don't need it, and definitely cannot afford it.
So just to make him stop trying to push the sale that he wasn't going to get, I told him that right now, due to the economy, there is no way that I can afford that much every month, but once the economy picks up and I can start working more, I'll more than likely call them back and order it.
That seemed to make him happy, so he stopped talking about it and we got back to talking about the installation on Tuesday.
The tech will be here on Tuesday the 21st between noon and 2pm, he will install the new 4port/wireless router, he'll hook up my pc, the teens pc, and he'll even set up the teens xbox360 for wireless because the setting we currently are using on the xbox, will no longer work after they set us up with Fios, the settings and the connect code thingy, won't work, so he'll have to set up an all new DHCP setting for it.

The teens are wicked excited about it, they cannot wait to have faster internet so that when they play WoW, they won't get as much lag during heavy play times, and for xbox live, it will go a heck of a lot faster when they are fragging in GoW, or rocking out on GH3 Metallica.

I can't wait too, faster internet for me is going to be so awesome!
The teens and I all have our little things that make us happy, they with their video games and photoshop stuff that Sebastian does, and me and my The Sims 3 and all of the stuff I do on the net like chatting with friends, working, and movie watching.
A lot of people say that the teens spend too much time playing video games, but I still think it's ok because I know where they are all of the time, they aren't out there with the local thug teens getting into any trouble.
I know that when I was their ages, 16 & 17, I was out there getting into trouble, drinking, staying out to all hours, and getting into all kinds of trouble.
I'd rather have them here and playing games than out there probably doing what I used to do at their age.

Posted by Kat at 7:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The appointment with the counselor went well, we talked for about an hour, went over what brought me there in the first place, and talked about what I'd like to get out of this whole counseling thing.
I told her that I just want to be ok, that I need to get all of the guilt that eats at me every single day for the last 10+ years, out of me, that I need to talk about my pain, what it's like living like this, how it affects me, and how to deal with other people who don't get it.

People think that I should just be ok, just snap out of it, get over it, but it's not that easy to do.
It's one of those easier said than done things.
I had my hopes up that this would get fixed, now it's not getting fixed, so I need to deal with that, accept it all, and then I can move on with whatever the rest of my life is going to be.
I know that I am lucky to be alive, that things could be so much worse, I could be paralyzed, I could be dead.
Well, if I was dead, then at least I'd be dead and not giving a shit anymore because I believe when you die, that's it, you're dead, no restless soul and all of that crap.
If I was dead, yeah, my sons would miss me, my friends would miss me, my parents would miss me, but I know that everyone would also be letting this giant collective sigh of relief out, they'd all be able to stop worrying so much, they'd all be able to move on with their lives, not be stuck caring about and for me, the pressure would be gone.
I hate the way my life is, and I know that other people hate the way my life is, it's so overwhelming at times to have to deal with all of this, so yeah, one big huge sigh of relief.
And no, I'm NOT thinking about doing anything to bring on my own death, I am simply talking about how I feel.
I have absolutely no thoughts of killing myself, so please, no more of that suicide talk crap, I am not going to do anything to myself.

I also know that it could be worse and that there are people who do have it much worse, but I'm still in the beginning stages here, I'm still dealing with it, trying to deal with it, and it's just going to take me some time to get to that point of acceptance and moving on.

It would help so much if I didn't have to deal with other people's perceptions, other people's issues with it, that makes it so much harder.
I feel like no matter what I do right now, the exact opposite of that is going to be what I should have done.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
If I say sorry, and I still don't know what I should be saying sorry for other than for being super angry over the things that were done and said, I'm still going to be looked at at treated like crap because then they can point their fingers and say "See?! See?! I told you she was an irrational lying drug addict! I was right!"
If I say thank you for the "help" I was given, I'm still going to be looked at and treated like crap because then they can point their fingers and say "See?! See?! I told you she was an irrational lying drug addict! I was right!"

I just don't know what to do or how to do it.
Mark says that I should just do nothing right now, that I should just let things cool down for however long it takes, that I am helpless to stop the craziness that is happening.
Sebastian on the other hand, wants me to start fighting back, to start doing what is being done to me.
I can't do that though, I am not like that, I don't play those kinds of games.
Even though I don't play those games, I'm being forced to sit at the table with the board and dice in front me, and when it's my turn, the other people are rolling the dice again, taking a double turn, making the game completely unfair.

I think what I'll do is take Mark's advice for now, I'm going to do nothing, I'm going to just let whatever happens, happen, give other people time to cool down and do whatever it is that they feel they need to do no matter how many others get hurt in the process of trying to hurt me.
I cannot stop the games or the lying that is being done now.
I will not stoop to the level of lying to make anyone else look bad.
I am not doing anything to hurt anyone else, I will not lie to hurt someone, and I will not betray anything that has been said to me in confidence.
When I make a promise to friend or family to keep things between me and that person, that is what I do.
Just because I am angry does not give me free reign to break that confidence, it does not give me free reign to tell lies to hurt someone else.

Posted by Kat at 5:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

More crap is taking place, and I'm not even sure what to do about it all.
Things were said which were totally untrue, hurt was caused to my sons, just so much more crap and I still have not done anything to anyone else.
I could be so mean and retaliate in a big way for all that has been happening and continues to happen, but I don't.
I don't go around intentionally hurting the people that I claim to love.
What has happened now just hurts everyone else, it's mean and cruel.
I don't know if I'm expected to apologize for all of this, but I don't think that I should, and my sons don't think I should either.
They are here with me watching all of this unfold and they know that I am not doing anything to anyone, I'm not hurting or trying to hurt anyone, all I'm doing is trying to heal myself, trying to do right, and others continue to take aim at me and cause hurt and pain.
I talked to my friend Shell last night and she cleared up one of the big lies that happened.
I never in a million years would have done something like what was done, because it hurts others.

Really kind of glad I'll be seeing a counselor, there's so much to talk about, so many issues to go over, things to try to make right with my sons and myself.
And that's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to focus on my family, get what we need, and try to make things ok.

Posted by Kat at 10:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I have a lot on my plate right now and I'm going to do my very best to update everyone on what is going on, what happened, and how I am doing.

I went to my pain doctor's appointment today, I did not get to see him, I saw his physician's assistant, so my medication did not get upped today, only he can do that.
Apparently the nurse that I spoke to 3 and a half weeks ago, did not relay the message that I needed to see him and speak with him.
So I told the PA everything, everything that has been going on, everything that happened last week, and how I'm doing.
She confirmed for me again, that because I was having surgery on June 29th, that they could not change the medication or increase it for the last 3 months because of the scheduled surgery, because it was all going to change after the surgery, so they had to leave me at those medications and amounts, by law.

Here in the state of Florida, you can only see a pain manager once every 30 days by law.
It does not matter if you run out, lose them, or have them stolen, even if you have a police report, the law says that you can only see your pain doctor once every 30 days, and medications cannot be replaced or changed until the 30 days have passed.

Today was only the 4th time I have seen this pain doctor, (I was switched from 1 pain doc to another because my 1st pain doc was a rehab specialist, and I am long term pain care) the previous 3 visits were all when I was on schedule for surgery, so none of my medications could be changed or increased because I was scheduled for that surgery.
I explained to his PA all that has been going on, that I have been in horrible pain while waiting for the surgery, the medication wasn't helping me as well anymore, I was having to double up on bad and rainy days, I was running out because of that, and even though they knew all of this at the previous 3 appointments, there was nothing they could do to help me because I was scheduled for surgery and the law.
I told her that I was doing what I had to do to survive during those times that I ran out, I smoked, I took excessive amounts of Tylenol, and friends taking the same medication as I do, would give me some of theirs.
The PA did not get mad, did not judge, and did not get upset.
Instead, she completely understood.
I explained all that had happened this past week and on the morning on June 29th.

I woke up on the morning of June 29th, realized that I should have been in surgery and wasn't.
It suddenly hit me, hit me like a ton of bricks to the side of my head, that I was stuck this way even though the surgery got completely canceled June 10th-12th, on the morning of the surgery that I was not having, it hit me that I was going to be stuck this way.
Possibly for the rest of my life if they can't ever figure out a way to help me.
I had posted on June 13th that I was sinking further into depression, I knew what was happening to me.
I called my pain doctor a day or 2 later, and said that I would be needing a July appointment because the surgery was canceled and because I was becoming severely depressed.
I would find myself crying at random times, not outright bawling, but just crying, I knew the depression was getting worse, I had called and asked for help, but because of the law, I could NOT go see my doctor and get help, I had to wait until my appointment today.

Everything exploded last Tuesday.
It was the day of Michael Jackson's memorial, I woke up extremely sad, my depression was getting so much worse, but I had a week to go before I could see my doctor, and I was trying so hard to keep it together.
There was nothing else on tv, the memorial was on pretty much every channel, everyone on the net was watching it, everyone on Twitter was doing a play by play of it, and here I was, severely depressed, laying on the couch, watching it and crying like a baby.
The teens kept coming and asking me if I was ok, I couldn't even put into words what was wrong with me, I just told them that I was very sad.
The teens got scared and worried, they called my sister, they needed a break from all of this.
10+ years of watching me be in pain, dealing with me and my pain, the surgeries, and now watching me be really depressed, they didn't know how to help me and they were scared, they needed a break.
And I don't blame them one single little bit.
So my sister picked them up, said they were going to dinner, they'd be back in a few hours.
When they came back, Mark came in and told me that I either went to rehab to get off all of the pain medications, willingly go with them right now, or I would be marksman acted.
I'm sure he meant Baker acted, or maybe he meant marksman acted, I don't know, he's a teen, doesn't understand the terms he was told to say to me, but basically, I either went with them right now to a rehab willingly, or I'd be locked up against my will for a mental health evaluation.
I posted on the night of the 7th, that I'd be going to the hospital, and then I posted I wouldn't be going.

Mark is the one who said this to me, phone calls were made, people were told that I was a drug addict and suicidal, and needed help immediately, but I refused to go, I told my son that I knew I was depressed but I had already made plans to get help, I was on top of the situation the best that I could be according to the laws, but no, I would not go, and if people insisted, that they'd have to get the cops and drag me out of my home in a straight jacket, I was not going to go willingly, go right ahead and Baker act me.
My sister took my sons to her house that night and did not bring them back.
Mark came home on Sunday night, and Sebastian came home last night, Monday.
The only reason that they came home is because I went and saw the counselors at Coastal, I went to the rehab and spoke to someone, because "I agreed to get help for my addiction."
I spoke to the counselor and they said that my medication did not need to be stopped, it needed to be increased, that they would work with my doctor to get it increased, to help get me on an antidepressant, and to provide counseling for me so I would have someone who understood all that I was dealing with to talk to.
I will be seeing the counselor Thursday at 1pm, and from there we will schedule weekly appointments so that I can unload all of the years of guilt that I have, talk about my pain, my emotions, and all of the anger that I carry with me, and believe me, I am furious.

From there I saw a doctor on Saturday, another person that I've told everything to, who did not judge me, get angry, or treat me like I was some nasty junkie off of the street, they listened and understood, and that is all that I wanted, all that I needed, and I got that understanding and compassion from complete strangers, but strangers with medical backgrounds who know the laws regarding pain medication and appointments once every 30 days.

I've had some of the best friends through all of this too, stand beside me, understand, and help me.
Shell, (she's terrible at updating her blog, I love her anyway though) my lifelong best friend from back home in Maine, offered to send her 18 year old daughter here to stay with me for 2 weeks, to help me, go grocery shopping, help clean the house, and give me someone to talk to, someone to do all of the things that need to be done, and to help take the pressure off of the teens.
Her daughter Jamie is the daughter I never had, she's my "moose baby", and she's been calling me Aunty Kat since she could speak, and she offered to come here and help me and Shell was going to fly her down here to be with me for like 2 weeks until she could get here herself.
Shell is planning to fly down here and stay with me for as many days as she can in a few weeks.
I cannot wait to see her, I need my best friend so much, I need her to be with me, this has been one of the hardest and worst things that I have ever had to deal with, and I need my best friend here.
I can't wait until she can come down.

Mindy has also been by my side, calling me, taking me to the hospital on Saturday, to the grocery store on Sunday so that I could buy food for when the teens came home, and to my appointment today.
She has been extremely supportive, just lending me her ear so I could vent, get all of this craziness out of me, because what happened is totally crazy.
She has been so awesome and I thank her so much for being here with me, I needed someone physically here, it was so lonely here without my sons.

I've also had all of you, my dear friends and readers, some of you have been long time readers, and some of you new readers, but ALL of you have been so supportive and encouraging through all of this, you all "listened" to me, supported me, encouraged me, and that's all that I needed and wanted, to be listened to and understood.

Today's appointment didn't go perfectly, my medication amounts did not get increased, they did not change, but I did get an antidepressant, I have to take it once a day at bedtime because it causes drowsiness, which is fine with me, I rarely ever sleep anymore, so being forced to sleep is a great thing.
At my next appointment next month, August 14th at 2pm, I will get to see the actual doctor and he will be able to change or increase my medication.
I have to just hang in there for 30 more days, but the PA said that the antidepressant will help, it will start to work in about 1 week or so, and once I'm feeling better emotionally, I'll probably start feeling better physically, but the doctor will change or increase my pain medication next month, and he will work with the counselor at Coastal to help me.
I'll have the next 30 days to have weekly appointments with the counselor to talk, to start dealing with all of issues that I am dealing with, the pain, the anger, the frustration, everything, and so by the next appointment, my doctor will be better able to understand what's going on so that he can help me better.
I have given the counselor my full permission to disclose anything from our talks with my pain doctor and vice-versa.

I also need to find a dental specialist to help me.
I have a wisdom tooth that has come through and is pushing into another molar big time, and last night, the wisdom tooth cracked in half from all of the pressure.
I bought some Dentemp to fill the hole, it's extremely painful.
I need to find a dentist or oral surgeon who can help me get it out because my jaw no longer opens wide, I can't open my mouth up wide, I can't tilt my head all of the way back, so I need an oral surgeon who can work with physical special needs patients so this wisdom tooth can get taken out.
For now the Dentemp will help, the hole is filled so at least now I can eat without all of the pain that I have been dealing with the last 2 weeks as it pushed through and into the molar in front of it, and now it's broken in half, a huge piece fell out last night, so yeah, quite a painful issue.

I am also really angry about a few other things, one of which being the plan to take the teens to Maine at the end of the month for 10 days.
Plane tickets were bought without my consent, the plans were made without my consent.
I am their legal guardian, I have 100% full custody of them, they legally cannot leave this state without my written consent, they are minors in my custody.
Mark does not turn 18 until August 15th, and Sebastian is only 16, they are minors, they cannot leave this state with anyone but me unless I give written and notarized consent for them to go.
It's bad enough that my sons were taken from me all week long and not returned unless I agreed to go to a rehab counselor, but now I have learned that plane tickets were bought and plans were made without ever even asking me, because I am an "irrational drug addict who is not in her right mind", that I'll lie to anyone who asks me what is going on.
I was nagged for 2 days straight to go to that rehab, no one would listen to what I was saying about the laws, about my doctor, about my medications, about how I was feeling, people just assumed I was a lying drug addict, so people decided to make plans to take my kids to Maine for 10 days at the end of the month.

I will not stop them from going, my parents already know that the teens are coming, my parents are excited, the teens are excited, my parents want to give them hugs and tell them it will all be ok.
We have not had the money to go to Maine for a visit since February 2007, so it would be totally wrong of me to stop them from going, it would be mean and vindictive of me to say no, to not give my consent, so I will let them go, but the plan makers can pay for all of the legal papers required in order for me to give my written consent.

The teens want to go visit their grandparents, go sit out on the back porch patio furniture with them, have some of my mom's homemade chicken noodle soup, some of her other homemade goodies, and they also want to go visit Great-Gram and Aunty Heather, and they will be allowed to or else they will not be allowed to go to Maine.
Yes, I will stop this "vacation" from happening if anyone says that the teens cannot go visit with their Great-Gram and Aunty Heather at some point during the 10 days they are scheduled to be there.
Aunt Heather will be more than happy to drive down to my parents house and pick them up, and they can spend 2-3 days with Great-Gram and Aunt Heather, and if anyone says that they can't visit with them, then they will not be allowed to go.
That is the only stipulation that I have regarding this trip to Maine that no one discussed with me.
I have discussed it with someone else though, and the fact that plane tickets were bought and the plans were made without asking for my permission, without getting my consent, this trip amounts to conspiracy to commit felony kidnapping in the 1st degree.
That's right, legally, because I have full custody of the teens and was not asked for my permission, these plans are considered conspiracy to commit kidnapping.
No one thought of that huh?
No one was going to tell me this either until a few days before they were supposed to leave, basically, the teens were just going to be taken to the airport without ever asking me until a couple of days before they were supposed to go.
I got news for the plan makers though, because they are minors, the legal guardian, me, has always had to show ID and the teens ID, at airport security every single time that we flew, and the teens always had to answer a couple of questions.
Those questions were, "Is this your mother?" and "Are you boarding this plane with her willingly?"
And like I said, I always have had to show my ID and their school IDs, and at 2 separate airports, I had to show their social security cards as well as their IDs just to show more evidence that they were my children I was flying with, the security and safety of minors flying got a bit more strict after homeland security got involved.
I'd like to know how the plan makers thought they would get through airport security without me being there or a notarized written letter of consent from me, or their IDs, or their social security cards, to prove that the teens had permission to fly with the person taking them out of state.

People can say whatever they want about me, about this situation, but they are wrong, and if they don't believe me, I'll get a copy of the pain management contract that I signed with my doctor, so they can see for themselves the laws regarding why I had to wait so long to get help for my pain and depression, but making plans to take my sons out of state without my permission crossed the line.
I will let them go, but I am absolutely furious that these plans were made without ever consulting or asking me, I am their legal guardian, their mother, I have full custody, and I swear, if anyone ever tried to take my kids out of state without my permission, I would not hesitate for a moment to get the police involved and press charges for attempted kidnapping, I don't care who that person is.
I feel completely betrayed, and I am absolutely beyond furious, my anger is so strong, I would probably physically attack anyone who ever tried to take my sons from me again.
You want to tell people that I'm irrational?
Try to take my kids from me without my consent, then you'll see irrational.

Posted by Kat at 11:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

After we get done with dinner tonight, I will come back here and do an update, let you all know how things are going, as they stand today.
I did go see my pain doctor, talked about everything, the pain meds, the depression, all of what's been happening and happened last week, so I will update you all on that stuff.
Both the teens are home, we've done a lot of talking, I'll let you know how all of that is going too.
I finally got some decent sleep even though it took awhile to fall asleep.
Good thing that I charged up my Mp3 players battery and added some new songs, because it took forever to fall asleep, so I laid there listening to music until I did, but once I did, it was good.

I'll be back with a major update after I get done eating.

Posted by Kat at 7:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Mark has been home for a few hours now, we spent some time talking about stuff, and then we had dinner and are now just taking it easy for the night.
Sebastian says he will come home tomorrow.
That's ok.

We're sitting here watching Batman Returns, and it reminds me of when they were really little and how much they loved Batman.
They had all of the action figures, the cars, the batcycles, all of it.
We would go see every single new movie that came out, and I thought I had all of the movies in my collection, but I am missing the latest one.
I went hopping around the net and decided to check out the weekly sale items at Buy.com, and what do ya know?
They have The Dark Knight special edition on sale this week for just $11.99.

I think this was probably the best Batman movie out of all of them, although I am a fan of the first Batman movie with Micheal Keaton.
Batman Returns is also really good, but I totally didn't like Val Kilmer as Batman, or George Clooney.
Neither of them seemed the right fit to me, I just thought that Keaton did the best job out of the three actors, just my personal opinion.

I hear that there's another Dark Knight movie in the works, I don't have any info on it yet, nothing but internet rumors, you know how those are, but I do hope that they make another one, this last one was really great.
I'll probably pick it up when things get back to normal around here, whenever that happens.
It's going to take a lot of time to be ok again, heck, to just be ok, but we're working on it.

Posted by Kat at 9:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I laid down, tried to sleep, even switched my sleeping location a few times, nope, no sleep for me yet.
So I laid on the couch for like 3 hours just clicking through channels, tons of late night infomercials for all kinds of things, one of the newest is some kind of add-on auto insurance that you can get that will cover the cost of car repairs.

The Magic Bullet Blender infomercial was on no less than 3 channels, and it now comes with an actual blender and a juicer! All for just $99.99! W00t!

The Jack LaLanne Power Juicer commercial cracks me up.
They say it's whisper quiet as they are yelling over the sound of the damn thing. ha ha

I love the lady on the GT Express infomercial, Cathy Mitchell.
That woman can cook just about anything in that little machine, and she's just too damn happy while doing it.
I love how she practically shoves the food in the guy's mouth while it's scalding hot and it's burning the crap outta his mouth. ha ha

I just get such a kick out of all of the infomercials.
You can tell that some of them are total crap, but there are some that really work, like the NuWave Oven Pro, it really works, I can totally vouch for that one, I own it and it's awesome.

I just wish there was other stuff on really late at night that I could watch, I get bored when I can't sleep.

Posted by Kat at 4:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This whole thing is so much, it's so hard on me, I swear I've found at least 30 new gray hairs tonight over all of this.
All of this stress and crying is making me age rapidly, and it can't be good for my skin.
I know that crying is good, it lets out all of the pain and suffering that I've held inside of me for several years now, but man, I'm going to need the best wrinkle cream available pretty soon.
All the crying is showing on my face, especially around my eyes.
My whole face is all puffy and red, my eyes look awful, I look like I've been punched in both of my eyes, they are all red and swollen, and my crows feet are really standing out tonight.

Mark emailed me again, said he wants to call and talk to me tomorrow if it's ok with with me, didn't say about what, he just wants to talk.
He also said that it was good that I saw a doctor and that I'll be ok soon with the help of the doctors and counselor.
I emailed him right back and told him of course he can call and talk to me, he can call me anytime and talk to me whenever he wants, and I would love them to come home soon, I really would.
I am just so afraid of hurting them again, I really just don't want to hurt them again.
I don't want all of my emotions to come pouring out in front of them again and hurt them even more.
This is so hard.

Posted by Kat at 10:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

The boys still aren't home, I don't know when or if they will be back home anytime soon.
It's so very quiet here now, and time is moving so slowly.

I went and saw a doctor earlier this afternoon, I was in far too much pain to deal with, my lower back keeps having spasms, I was feeling sick, and having massive panic attacks all night long, so I called my friend Mindy to take me.
She stayed with me the whole time too, which was really nice, I had someone to talk to, as I said, I've been home alone for days now.
I feel like one of those cutout cardboard displays, flat, lifeless.
I'm just not ok.
I want to be ok, I want to feel happy and alive again, but I'm struggling so hard with all of this, it's too much at times and I begin to panic.
I feel like my heart is exploding, I was awake all night with pain and worry, sadness, fear, and it all just is too much to take.

I keep saying how crazy this all is, because it is crazy, it's just unreal what's happening.
Once people actually listen to me, what I have to say about what's going on with me, they get it, they understand that I'm dealing with a lot of stress and a lot of issues, and they wish they could help, but no one really can, this is all stuff that I have to work out on my own and with the new counselor I'll be seeing this coming Thursday.
I have years of pent up anger, frustration, guilt, it's all just built up inside of me screaming to get out, begging to get out, hoping that someone will understand.
The doctor I saw today understood, at least she appeared to, no judging, no shame on you, just wow, that's a lot of titanium, pain, and stress, no wonder that you're hurting and panicking.
It will be so nice to have someone to talk to, someone on the outside of all of this, who will listen to me and help me work through all of the issues that I have.

Mark emailed me late this afternoon, said that he loved and missed me, said he hopes I'm doing ok.
I emailed him right back, told him how much I LOVE and miss him too, how sorry I am for everything, told him about seeing a doctor today, about going to see a counselor to talk who will also work with my doctors so I can begin trying to fix all of this.
I miss them so much, it's so quiet here without them, there's no bickering going on, no beeping video games, just silence.
I am just so so sorry for everything I have put them through all these past years, I so wish it could have been different, I never wanted it to be like this, I hate this so much.
I want them to come home so bad but I'm afraid of any more hurt happening, I don't want them to be hurt anymore.
I'm just so lost right now.
Lost, confused, hurt, sad, angry, all kinds of emotions are happening, and I don't want what's happening with me to affect them anymore than it already has, I'm afraid of hurting them again, I love them too much.

It's so super quiet here, I can't stand it, so I think I'll re-watch the 3rd and 4th discs of True Blood that I have from Netflix.
I wasn't really paying attention the other night when I watched them, I was too upset, so I'll re-watch them and try to relax for the night.
I really need to just relax, to try and get some rest.

Posted by Kat at 7:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

It was a very long, very quiet ride out there, I am still angry and hurt, tired of talking to people who refuse to listen, and so it was a very uncomfortable ride.
We got there and they had me fill out a bunch of paperwork, some were of the typical medical questions, but this is a drug rehab treatment center, they do in house and outpatient programs, and so 3 pages of questions that are so so not me and my situation, were horribly degrading to even have to answer.
Things like do I use needles for drugs, share needles, have I ever had sex for money or drugs, sex with an at risk person for money or drugs, just a lot of really horrible things that I have never, would never do.
I understand though that there are addicts out there who do those things, but none of it applies to me, not even in the slightest, so it was very hard to sit there and answer those questions without wanting to scream.

They called my name and I went in and spoke with the counselor/therapist, whatever they are called, and it went much better than I expected.
She still gave me the higher power speech, but once I told her that I was an atheist and refused to rely on any type of imaginary power to help me, she dropped the subject.

I told her everything that has been going on, about all of the surgeries, how much titanium is inside of me, what the original plan was, and where I'm at now that the surgery is canceled.
She listened, she just straight up listened.
She asked me a few questions here and there, like what are my meds, how often, do they work etc, and I told her everything that I am prescribed to take, how often I am supposed to take it, and that yes, I have had to double up on bad days and rainy days, and she said to me that my meds don't need to be cut, not at all, instead, they need to be upped.
She said if I'm having to double up, then they obviously aren't working as well anymore, and they need to be upped or something else needs to be tried, but stopping the medication for me and my situation was simply not even an option on the table, and she said it was ridiculous if anyone thought otherwise.

We talked about my pain manager doctor, I told her that this coming appointment will be exactly the 4th time I am seeing him, (I was switched from 1 pain doc to another because my 1st pain doc was a rehab specialist, and I am long term pain care) and he knows none of what is going on other than the surgery was canceled.
When I started seeing him, we were a go for surgery, so he kept me at the pain med doses I was at because I was going to be having another surgery.
By law, you can only see a pain manager once every 30 days no matter what.
It doesn't matter if you run out, lose them, or somebody steals them, the law is the law, so even if I called him up and told him what was going on, by law, I still cannot go in and see him, so I've had to deal with the cancellation of my surgery and the depression on my own since June 10th -12th when the surgery was canceled, it's been exactly 3 and a half weeks since the cancellation and my last appointment with him which was before the surgery was canceled.
When it got canceled, I had to call his office and tell them that I would be needing a July appointment after all, (surgery was scheduled for June 29th) so they scheduled me for 4 weeks out, which is July 14th.
He cannot see me any sooner by law, so yeah, all of this has been on my shoulders to try and cope with.
I told her that as soon as I saw myself starting to feel really bad, get really depressed, that I called his office and asked for extra time with him at that appointment because I need to speak with him about my meds and the depression, so they booked me for a longer appointment.
I was already on top of what needed to be done, I had the ball rolling, so all of this, yeah, just not good, it just added to the pile of crap I was already feeling and trying so hard to deal with.

She said that our plan of action was actually pretty simple, I would start going there once a week and talking with the therapist, they would work with me and my pain doc to increase my meds, put me on an antidepressant that will work with the meds that I take, and just have an hour a week to talk to someone who will just sit and listen to how I feel.
No one will be judging me, putting me down, telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing, and she said that given my circumstances, it's pretty amazing that I didn't fall apart much sooner.
She didn't judge me for anything, for any of the mistakes I've made over these years, she said that no one else will ever know what my life is like, but if people don't walk a mile in my shoes, they really have no place to judge.
It was so nice to hear that, to have someone at least try to understand how I feel and to not judge me for this screwed up life that I live but never asked for.

Quite a few people have come forward and offered their support, their friendship, and their understanding in all of this, and I thank all of you so much for that, I really needed that.
No, they don't know what it's like, but they didn't judge me either, they know that this situation isn't something I asked for, they know I hate it, and they know how bad I wish it wasn't like this, but they simply offered their support, their friendship, and a hug to let me know that I'm not fighting this alone.
All I needed was to be heard, to be listened to, for someone, anyone, to just shut up and listen to what was going on, what the plan in place was, and to just try and be patient while I worked through this with the help of my doctor who has to follow the laws.

I feel a lot better knowing that once a week I can go talk to someone who has a medical background, who deals with this stuff on a daily basis, who will listen to me, help me in any way that they can, who will not judge me, and help me work through all of the guilt, which honestly, I shouldn't be carrying alone.
There were people who promised to help after the surgeries, promised to take care of the teens, help me once I came home, and they never did, so the teens had to help me, they had to do it all because those promises got broken.
I needed the help, the teens should have never had to do so much, but they did, so I carry all of that guilt around with me all of the time, and it kills me inside to hear my sons tell me that these past years have sucked so much for them and it wasn't fair that they had to do it all, and they hate me for it.
I know that, I so so know that, and no, it wasn't fair, but what was I supposed to do?!
I had no one, the people who promised to help didn't, I didn't have anyone else, the teens didn't have anyone else, it was all on us to deal with, and I am so so so sorry that they had to do it all, so sorry.
I am so sorry.
I really wish it could have been different, I tried, I planned, people promised, I should have found others to help but I trusted that those promises would be kept, and when they didn't, it wasn't fair, and I am so so sorry, you have no idea how sorry I am that the teens had to do it all, just so so sorry.

The teens aren't home and won't be coming home for a few more days, and that's ok.
It's giving them time away from all of this, it's giving me time alone, a huge break from having to try and hold it together, I can just be alone and cry as I need to without people freaking out and thinking I'm going to do something stupid.
I don't know how the therapist's plan of upping my meds is going to fly in the face of the ultimatum I was handed, but I'm going to follow what the doctors tell me to do, it's what I need to do to be healthy and alive, and not in pain.
If what the doctors are going to do isn't ok with the ultimatum, there's nothing that I can do.
I've accepted that.
I love my sons more than anything, I would do anything for them, I would lay down my life for them, but I'm going to follow the doctors, it's what has to be done, it's what's right to do, and people may not understand that, they may not understand chronic pain and that even my surgeon has said that there is no hope for me, not for the foreseeable future anyway, and that I will be on pain meds for the rest of my life, it's what it is and they can either accept that and try to work with me or they can't.
It will hurt, it will hurt so so much, but my doctors have been saying this for a long time, and now the therapists are saying it too, going off the meds is not an option, it's not even being discussed.
I'm going to follow the new plan, talk to the therapist who will listen and not judge me, and do what I have to do to be out of pain and try to get my life back, well as much of a life as I can have being stuck like this.
I'm grieving for the loss of the rest of my life.
I will be stuck like this, in pain like this, for the rest of my life.
I am a prisoner in my home because of my body, I'm never going to have a normal life again.
Going out, going to the movies, trying to do fun things, eating in restaurant chairs, walking around the mall or a store, trying to find or have a relationship, all of those things cause extreme pain, so yeah, I'm grieving for the loss of a normal life and I need people to let me do that, to let me work through those feelings of loss, to try and find a way to cope with it, to accept it, that's all I'm asking for here, just give me some time to deal with and accept this.

Posted by Kat at 6:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

I am in a very bad mental and emotional place right now.
I am struggling, fighting against the pain medicine, fighting against the depression, and I am losing.
I have already admitted once before that my body and mind are addicted to the pain medicines, they make me able to move and do what I need to do.
I wrote that post before, when everything was still a go for the next surgery.
The surgery we decided to cancel.
I never posted about the conversation that I had with my surgeon's nurse Cindy a few days after we canceled the surgery.
He wanted me to go and have another MRI anyway, just so he could see if there was any other way to fix me, a way with less risks, but he knows there isn't.
Cindy told me on the phone that day that there was another main reason aside from the probability that the surgery would over-correct me and instead of facing the floor, I'd be looking at the ceiling.
With every surgery there are major risks, and they are usually between 5-10%, but when he was going over all of the xrays, CT scans, and MRIs, the risk of death jumped drastically.
It went from 5-10% up to a 70% chance of dying during the surgery.
That was very hard to hear but I understand it, he didn't want me to die on his table.

I have been in pain and on medicine for over 10 years.
I have kept up the fight, the hope, that the next surgery would fix me and someday I'd be able to live a somewhat normal life again.
When we canceled the surgery, I had already spent 9 and a half months looking at the floor, the ground, everything I see is down, I see the floor all day, all night, everywhere I go, nothing but the ground.
I kept up my hope for those 9 and a half months, I kept believing that this surgery would fix me, that shaving all of my hair off to be in that halo brace was gonna be worth it, that all of the pain and recovery time would be worth in it the end.
I kept going because I had hope.
I've lost it all.

Everyone is always saying how strong I am, how strong they think I am, but I'm not.
I am so weak right now, so tired, so fucking tired of fighting, of hoping, and for what?
To know that that surgery could have over-corrected me or I would have died.
To know that there is a very real possibility that I will be stuck looking at the floor for the rest of my life.
I have nothing left inside anymore, I am completely worn out.
I am tired, depressed, lonely, and horribly sad for all that I've lost.
It has only been a few weeks since we canceled the surgery, and I am trying so fucking hard to hold it together, to be ok, and I'm not.

I know that there are people out there much worse off than I am, with much bigger disabilities than I have, but it has only been a few weeks since we canceled it, and I am trying to work through all of these feelings, I am trying to be ok.
The depression has gotten to me, I am just lost in sadness 24 hours a day.
I'm so tired of fighting, of trying, and I need time to grieve, to deal with all of this shit.
I have been crying, I've openly admitted to being severely depressed and openly admitted to having horrible thoughts about just ending it all.
But don't anyone get all worried, I'm far too much of a coward to actually take my own life.

In the process of feeling this way, I have hurt and scared the people closest to me, my sons.
As if I hadn't already hurt them enough, they have now seen me at my lowest moments, in absolute and total despair.
For the last 10 and a half years of dealing with all of this, they have had to deal with it too, and no one will ever know the amount of guilt I carry for having put them through all of this with me, and now this.
My sons are at my sister's house and I don't know when they will be coming back.

Everyone thinks they have the answer to my problem, get me off of all of the pain pills, they are blaming the pain pills for my severe depression.
And I'm sure they are contributing to it, I know what they do, how they make me feel, and I hate them, I hate that I have to take them, but removing them completely is not the answer.
I am in pain 24 hours a day, I cannot even move unless I take them.
My head may be stuck down, but when your body needs to do something like cook a meal or do the cleaning or laundry, your body moves any way that it can.
And the way my body moves now is totally different, it strains to move, to do all of the things that it needs to do.
This constant straining causes even more pain, and at times the pain is unbearable and I lay there just wishing I could snap my fingers and make it all go away, make everything go away.
But I can't, there is nothing that can be done, I am stuck this way, and I'm only 39 years old and the thought of being stuck this way forever is unbearable.
Stuck like this with pain at the slightest movement, for the rest of my life is so fucking hard to deal with and no one knows how that feels.
No one will ever understand what that does to a person.
No one knows or understands what all of the pain for all of these years has done to me.
No one ever will.

I had already made plans to talk to my doctor about getting on an antidepressant of some sort at my next appointment which is on the 14th, I had already thought about it and made plans, but in the mean time, while I wait for that appointment, I am struggling, fighting, battling severe depression and bad thoughts, and battling the drugs that I hate to take.
I know what my life without them will be like, I've tested myself a few times, stretched out the hours that I'm supposed to take them just to see if I can do it, and as soon as it wears off, the intense pain comes right back.
I'm being left with no choice.
Get off all of the drugs, get on an antidepressant, or my family walks away.
No one will ever know what my life is like, how any of this feels, how hard it has been to try and deal with, and no one knows more than me how much it all sucks, how much I hate myself, how much I hate myself for all of the years my sons have had to deal with this, no one knows, no one will ever know.
The guilt of putting them through all of this eats at me day and night, it tears at me, it rips me apart, and the more the guilt eats, the more depressed I become.
My relationship with my sons is destroyed, it's just gone, they hate me, hate watching me be this way, and I don't blame them one little bit, I hate it more than they do.
No one hates all of this more than me.

I have fought so hard all of these years to hold it together, to keep going, but I'm exhausted now, so fucking tired of this, of everything.
I can't keep doing it anymore, I can't keep fighting, I have lost all hope of a normal life and I'm so hurt and so lost, and no one knows how any of this feels.
I'm sure the antidepressant will help, at least I won't be so fucking sad anymore, the drugs will make it just numb.
Instead of feeling sad, I'll just be numb, there won't be any feelings but a fake happiness, a drug induced fake happiness, but the problem will still be there.
I'll still be looking at the floor.
No one understands that, no one gets that, all they see is the pain pills and the depression, they don't see the problem because they aren't me!
They don't spend every waking moment looking at the fucking floor!!!!

I am trying so hard to cope with it, accept it, accept that this is my life, this is the rest of my life, and I'm struggling, I'm failing, I can't pull it together.
I can't even express properly how this feels, what it's been like for 10 months to see nothing but the floor, but it sucks, it sucks so fucking much, and I'm trying so hard to deal with it.
And I'm failing.
If I do what everyone else is telling me that I have to do, get off all of the pain pills and go on an antidepressant, I'll just be a fake happy person laying in bed in agony and unable to do anything at all.
But hey, at least I'll be happy right?
I still won't see anything but the floor, but the antidepressants will make me just numb inside while I'm stuck looking at the damn floor.
I'll be even more useless than I am now, the pain will eat at me, and if I even try to do things like cook a meal, I'll be in pain the whole fucking time, and I'll have to go right back in and lay down.
But, at least I'll be on some happy pills that will eventually build up and make me a version of happy that everyone else is going to be happy with.

I am angry, alone, scared, tired, frustrated, pissed off, completely fucking spent.
I have nothing left to give anyone, it's all gone, any last feelings of happiness that I did have are gone.
No matter what I do, my relationship with my sons is ruined and will never be the same.
But I'm going to do what everyone is telling me that I have to do, and I'm dreading it.
I'm terrified of the pain that is going to come, that I already live with all of the time, that the medicine controls somewhat, but without it, I am not going to be able to do anything at all and no one understands that, everyone just thinks it's the magic answer, it will fix everything.
I'll still be stuck looking the floor for the rest of my life, it will kill me physically to even take a piss, but it's the magic answer right now, everyone else who doesn't have the slightest clue what my life is like, what I am trying to deal with, thinks they know better than me.
Take the worst backache you've ever had, and multiply that pain by a million, and maybe it will be close to how I feel day in and day out for the last 10 fucking years.

I have to get up tomorrow and go speak to some counselor, someone else who thinks they know my life better than I do, and tell them all of the shit I've had to deal with all of these years, and wait for them to spew their magic answer at me.
I can't even begin to tell you what the last 48 hours of my life has been like, the things said to me, the hurt, the tears, and I've already been dealing with more than any person should ever have to, but nope, just throw some more fucking shit on, I'm strong right?!
I can fucking take it right?!?!
Well I can't!!!
I can't fucking do it anymore, I can't hold it together for anyone else, let alone myself.
I am just not ok, I'm grieving for the rest of my life, and it's only been a few weeks, and I'm supposed to just snap out of it and be ok, and I can't be, and no one understands that, they don't understand any of it, anything that I have had to go through and live with, no one gets it, no one but me.
So there ya go.
You are witness to a total mental and emotional breakdown and the loss of my family, the only thing I have ever fought so hard all of these years for.
Believe me, if it wasn't for the teens, I wouldn't have even hung on this long.
But I've lost them now, there is no relationship with them anymore, it's gone, it can't be repaired no matter what I do, even if I do what I'm being told to do, it will never be the same ever again.
I've tried so hard all of these years to be a good mom despite all of the pain and depression, I kept going for them, because of how much I love them.
I work so hard to give them the little things that they love, the stupid video games that make them happy, it costs money so I work, and the more I sit here and work, the more pain I am.
But I kept going, I kept doing it all, for them, I just wanted them to be happy even if I wasn't.
Knowing that they were happy and having fun allowed me to feel ok, to feel like I wasn't a complete failure as their mother.
But these last 10+ years of this painful hell has ruined it, they can't do it anymore, and I don't blame them, I'm not angry with them at all, I love them more than anything else.
I've lost it all, I've lost whatever grip I had, I've lost my sons, even if they come home, they hate me, the relationship is ruined and can never be repaired, it can never be what it was, and I'm finding myself in such a bad place that I'm asking myself what is the point of even trying anymore?
I've lost them, they are the only things I kept going for, and it's all ruined, no matter what I do, it will never be the same ever again.
I can't fix it, I can't fix this no matter what I do, the damage is done.
So yeah, sure, throw some antidepressants in me so I can be a drug induced fake happy for the rest of my life and everyone else will feel better but nothing will ever be the same again, not for me.
They will never forgive me or forget these last 10 years in hell, and I really don't blame them, I would hate me too, I do hate me, I hate everything about me.
I hate every single minute of every single day, and now that I've lost them, now that I know they will never forgive me or forget any of this, it's all so much worse because they are all that I have ever cared for.
I am in so much pain, physical, emotional, it's just too fucking much for me to handle anymore.
And no!!! I will not let go and let god, it doesn't fucking work, it's all fake mumbo jumbo shit that some damn counselor is going to ask me about tomorrow.
Do I believe in god or a higher power?
And the answer will be a resounding no, and then they'll start in with the "Your higher power can be anything, it can be a rock, a tree, a whatever, as long as you have one, so get one and give all of this pain over to your higher power to handle."
You have no idea, no one does, I am just in so much pain right now, so lost, so scared, tired, hurt, I just want it all to stop, to end, and I cannot deal with losing my sons.
They're all I have ever cared about, I have fought all of these years for them, and it's all gone, all ruined, can't ever be fixed, so really, what is the point to any of this shit anymore?
It really doesn't matter what I do, it will never be enough, too little too late, never be the same again.
This is all just too fucking much and no one will ever ever know, ever be able to understand, and I'm supposed to just snap out of it, get off all the pain drugs and start taking one to make me be a fake happy person with my head stuck down for the rest of my life.
This is all just way too fucking much, I've lost them, I'll do what everyone is saying is the magic answer, I'll get off the pain drugs, take the happy drugs, and just have a drugged up fake smile while laying there in my bed in horrific pain for the rest of my life, I'll be smiling again, eventually, with my head stuck down, never seeing anything but the floor ever again, but I'll be wearing a smile the whole time and it really doesn't matter anymore, it's all lost, all gone, the only thing I have loved and cared for was my sons and I've lost them.

Posted by Kat at 1:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

I ended up not going to the hospital.
I wish I could explain all of this to you, but I can't, not right now.
My life is just not ok right now, things are all screwed up, things are rapidly falling apart with everything, home, money, family, the teens, and I simply am not able to talk about any of it right now, not yet.

Posted by Kat at 10:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I am going to the hospital, I don't know when I'll be back.
Things are just really bad here right now.
Later days.

Posted by Kat at 8:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The teens are off with George, Mark's "Big", this afternoon, seeing the movie Public Enemies.
It's that new Johnny Depp movie about John Dillinger.
It looks really good, and I was invited to go along, but I just can't sit in movie theaters anymore.
Kinda sucks, but eh, when it hits DVD, at least I can watch it in total comfort laid back on my couch right?

Anyway, they should be back soon, and I promised brownies today, so in order to do that, I need to go finish the dishes.
Later days.

Posted by Kat at 2:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It was a typical weekend around here despite it being a holiday.
While we value the freedoms that we have and thank the brave men and women who have fought and died to secure our independence, actually going out and celebrating the holiday is not something that we generally do.
I hate crowds, I hate the traffic to and from the fireworks, and all the smoke and different bbq smells get to me, so the teens and I stayed home and just watched movies and played video games and stuff like that.
I also wasn't feeling all that well, really super tired but unable to sleep, like right now, and I was having issues with my medication, so it was just for the best that we stayed home anyway.
Besides, several of our neighbors had plenty of illegal fireworks that they were lighting off and nearly setting everything in the hood on fire with.
One went off so close to the roof of our house, that our entire house shook, pictures fell off the wall, the cats freaked out, and I thought I was going to have a heart attack.
It was so loud and with everything shaking, I had no clue what the hell they lit off, but wow.
The teens went out to see what it was and who was doing it, turns out it was the drunk lady 2 duplexes down, with a driveway full of drunks, and they were lighting off these huge mortars and stuff.
Mark yelled at them to aim them the other way or he was calling the cops (all fireworks except sparklers and small stuff are illegal, those mortars they had are most definitely on the cannot have list) because that last one landed on our roof.
It didn't really, but him yelling at them was enough for them to start aiming in a different direction the rest of the night, they clearly didn't want to get caught with all of the fireworks that they had, it's a huge fine if you get caught, and so no more of our pictures fell and the cats were able to stop freaking out so badly.

It's very early in the morning and I can't sleep, so I've been browsing all over the internet, can't wait until the Fios gets installed and it gets faster, that's gonna be awesome.
I checked in on all of the forums I like to read and play on, posted to a few, caught up on 2 days worth of blog feeds, and then got bored, so I'm doing the laundry right now because Mark said that George is supposed to call in the morning and take the teens to the movies, so they need clean clothes, it had to be done anyway, and then after I move it over to the dryer, I think I'll go play Sims3 for awhile.
If you have not yet tried the new Purex 3-in-1 laundry sheets, you really need to.
I swear, they make doing laundry so much easier, just 1 product, no measuring, no extra products to buy to soften the clothes, it does it all, and it works just as good if not better than all of the other liquid laundry detergents that I have ever tried. You can get a coupon to try it out if you click that link so you can try it even cheaper, I am very impressed with it, that's why I keep telling people about it. I love how easy it is, how great the clothes smell, and how soft they are when they come out of the dryer, and if you have scent allergies, or sensitive skin, they even make a hypoallergenic version of it.

Those of you who are Sims addicts like me, do you find yourself playing for like crazy amounts of time without realizing it?
Like, I'll sit down at say, 1pm, and before I know it, it's about 7 or 8pm and the teens are staring at me to feed them or they begin asking me when dinner is gonna be.
Oooops!
And I hate that I get so wrapped up in the game, and then I have to do stuff, like answer the phone, or make dinner, or go to the bathroom. I think if I got even more into the game, I'd end up buying some of those adult-sized disposable diapers so I wouldn't even have to get up to pee.
I'd still have to get up and feed the teens and answer the phone, but at least 1 of the issues would be taken care of. haha

Posted by Kat at 4:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

All these last years of having to deal with all of my health and spine issues have been incredibly hard, not just on me, but on all 3 of us.
The teens were forced to grow up way too fast, they had to take care of me, help me, their life has not been easy dealing with this for sure.

There have been a few times now that we've had some conversations where I swear my heart is just going to explode on me over how all of this has affected them.
They are not angry with me at all, they place no blame on me for anything, but man, just knowing how this has been for them is enough to eat me alive.

Tonight was one of those nights and one of those talks.

Posted by Kat at 10:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Most of my regular readers know by now that I am an infomercial junkie, I usually can't sleep, and late at night is when the best infomercials are on.
I've seen the infomercial for The Midnight Special at least a half dozen times now, and each time I see it, I am just singing right along to every single piece of music, I know it all.
Being adopted, I know nothing at all about my birth parents, I was born in 1970, and The Midnight Special ran weekly from 1972 to 1981, but I'm fairly certain my parents didn't watch this show as it was on very late at night.
It aired every Friday night right after the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, and it was definitely not the kind of music and comedy my parents liked or listened to.

Maybe it's somewhere in my ancestry dna or something, that my love of this kind of music comes from, this rock n' roll, funk, the mix of music that hit the stage on this show, but it was definitely not from my parents like I said.
Mom listened to the local radio which was mostly stuff like Streisand and Boone, Sinatra, stuff like that, Dad listened to classical and brass, my brother was into the whole college music scene, and my sister was mostly a Deep Purple, Led Zep, and Aerosmith fan, so where did I hear all this other music that I really feel like I grew up listening to?

Oh man, I see that infomercial and I'm like, 'me wants it' like Smeagol and the ring, I start not only singing along to the music, but secretly coveting the item, and now I wants this dvd set very badly.
If you go and look at youtube, you'll see some of the performances by some of the most legendary bands to ever set a stage, it's awesome.
I really feel like I was born just a bit too late sometimes, like if I had just been born a decade earlier, I would have been a teenager during the time that all of these incredible bands were on tour and I could have gone to see them, I would have gone to see them, and I know that I would have been up late every Friday night watching The Midnight Special.

Posted by Kat at 3:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It's no secret that I hate veggies, peas, carrots, spinach, all that stuff, can't stand it, makes me totally gag, but I like seriously need to do more to make my system stronger.
I think the only veggies I actually like are green beans, broccoli, and corn, and we all know that corn has no nutritional value whatsoever, so yeah, I need to increase my intake in order to stop getting so sick all of the time.
What happened this past week was definitely a major wake-up call that I need some serious immune system boosters, or I'm just going to keep on getting sick.
I take a daily multivitamin, a cal/mag/zinc supplement, and I even drink those Boost protein drinks, a 6 pack of them, every week, so basically one of those per day.
I don't eat a lot of junk, but I also don't get a lot of exercise, so yeah, it's like no wonder that when I get sick, I get like deathbed sick, and it appears to get worse every single time.
I have to find a way to increase my immunity to other people's germs and stuff.
I very rarely go out, and when I do, it's to a doctor's office or shopping, and I am super careful to wipe everything I have to touch down with an alcohol wipe first, I carry little wipes with me these days, but it's not enough anymore, I'm still catching what other people have, and getting super sick.
It' stopped being fun to be super lazy and in bed for days at a time a long time ago.

Posted by Kat at 12:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I had finally started to feel better on Wednesday night, really late at night, but I still couldn't sleep, so while the teens were sleeping, I figured I should try and catch up on some of the household chores that I couldn't do while I was down for the count.
So I headed for the laundry basket and found it totally empty.
I opened the washer, nothing in it.
I opened the dryer, nothing in there either.
On top of the dryer, I found all of my clothes as neatly folded as 2 teenage boys can fold a woman's clothes, the dish and hand towels, and I found all of the bath towels hung up where they belong too.
Hrm.
I headed for the kitchen, I had to put the clean dish towels away anyway, and I found the dish strainer full of clean dishes, and not a single dirty dish in either side of the sink.
Double hrm.
I started looking around the house, everything was neat and tidy, things were picked up and put away, and the coffee table was dusted off, so was the tv and stand, all of the pictures, the wooden blinds, everything was just clean and I didn't do it.
While I was down and out of it, the teens did all of the housework.
They said they felt totally helpless to help me, so they decided to help me the only way that they could, to clean everything up.
That was wicked awesome of them to do.
Mark even went so far as to go around and wash all of the doors, door handles, door jams, and light switches.
I still thought this was kind of suspicious behavior though and asked what was wrong with their gaming systems, were they broke, was the internet down, what was the problem.
They insisted that nothing was wrong, they just really wanted to do something nice for me to help me out so that when I did get feeling better, I wouldn't have to do all of that stuff.
Way cool.
The only thing that I really have to take care of before trash day on Monday night is to get out my box cutter and cut down some shipping boxes that I stacked up in the other room from some packages I've received over the last few months, and then take them out to the bins.

Oh, I finally got Verizon to admit that they totally screwed up when they mapped this duplex for Fios.
Like 2 and a half years, maybe 3 years ago, verizon came through and mapped the street for Fios, when they did, they mapped this duplex as a single family home, not a duplex, so when my old neighbors wanted to get Fios, no problem, that side of the duplex is the address number that the Verizon mapper put down as the single family house number, so they were able to get Fios.

I went over many times and checked it out, i loved how fast the internet was, I didn't care about the tv or phone, but man that internet really was super fast, so I called and requested Fios.
I would give my phone number, thanks, then I would give my address, and the would tell me, "I'm very sorry, but Verizon Fios is not available in your area yet."
I would explain to them, it's a duplex, my neighbors in the other half have it, look up their address, they would, and they would tell me that it was a single family home, not a duplex, there was nothing they could do, they cannot change the map.

So just for fun every couple of months for the last few years every time I saw a Fios commercial, i would call them up and request Fios, they customer service rep would get all excited because they were gonna make a sale, and then they'd get to the address question and realize the map was bad and they couldn't sell me Fios.
Bing!
No Fios sales commission for you today!

Today, Mark and I were sitting here and the newest Fios commercial came on, the one where the Fios guy installs it in the whole building and Ted betrays the red-headed cable guy, and we were laughing about how Verizon is taking over the world, they have bought out Alltel, Chad is gonna be out of a job soon, and the poor red-headed cable guy is gonna end up going postal on the Fios guy one of these days, when just or the fun of it, i decided to call Verizon again, it's been at least 5 months since my last call, so why not.

I called and got connected to a rep named Mel who was really happy and helpful until we got to the good old what's your address question, and he said the whole "I'm sorry, Fios isn't available in your area yet" speech, and I told him nope, sorry Mel, it is, and not only is it, but the frigging box is actually attached to MY side of the duplex, it's on my side of the property, if you all don't believe me, I can go outside, cut all the wires, stuff the box in a box, and mail it to you.
Mel asked me for both of the addresses on the duplex, the one with Fios and mine again, he found that the other side is hooked up for it, they did have it for a year and a half before they moved, and that yup, the mapper placed this duplex down as a single family home with only one address number, not two.
So I asked Mel what could be done, can it be re-mapped?
I already knew it could be, a friend of mine actually lays the Fios line in the Tampa area, he is a mapper, he knows how easy it is to map and re-map if necessary, and he said it's as simple as typing the correct address into the computer system, waiting about 2 minutes for the system to acknowledge it, and bammo! it's re-mapped.

Mel told me that yes it could be re-mapped, it would take about a week and a half in total for them to re-map and then send a tech out here to run the lines into my house and hook up the router and computers etc, and did I want it.
So I said to Mel, "Mel, for 2 and a half years I have been calling and asking for Fios and been told repeatedly that I couldn't have it because it wasn't available in my area yet when it was actually hooked up right outside my bedroom window to my duplex neighbors because the mapper couldn't tell the difference between a duplex with 2 mailboxes, 2 address numbers painted on the house, and a single family home with 1 mailbox and 1 address number painted on the house. I have called approximately every 3 months for all of that time, been told the same thing every single time, and including that no, it can't be re-mapped, and yet I kept calling, so Mel, do you think I want Fios?"

He said,Well it sounds like you do, but it also sounds like you're kind of upset.
I said "Uh, yeah, I am upset. 2 and a half years of being lied to Mel, when I could see the box out my own window, when I knew how easy it was to re-map it, and no one at Verizon would actually check the addresses until you decided to do it today. So tell me Mel, what kind of deal can I get on the price of just Fios internet every month? I don't want the phone and tv, just the internet. The website says that just internet is $44.95 every month, but come on, you guys have been jerking me around for 2 and a half years, I think I deserve a price break, don't you Mel?"
He asked me to hold for just 1 minute.

When Mel came back on the line, he said that his supervisor agreed that due to all of the mess and confusion, all that I have been told for the last 2 and a half years, and that re-mapping this address was nowhere near as complicated as previous customer support persons had claimed and told me it was, that yes, I did indeed deserve a break on the price.
So for the entire first year, I will have Fios for exactly $5 more than what I pay for my DSL right now.
I am currently only paying $19.99 a month for DSL because Verizon had screwed up my DSL account so bad for like 8+ years, even they couldn't access it on the website, they could never figure out why I couldn't make debit or credit payments online through my bank or with my paypal debit card, and because of the whole "Sorry, Fios isn't available in your area yet" fiasco.
So for $24.99 a month for an entire year, I'll have lightening fast speeds, after that, it will go up to it's regular price of $44.95 per month, or I can just go back to DSL again.
I decided to take the offer for the price because come on, after playing the calling game every 3 months for 2 and a half years, there had to be a pay off ya know?
I would have been totally stupid to say no to that price, plus it will be fun to have really fast internet for a year, I know the teens will love it for the gaming.
The tech will be here in about a week and a half, he'll install a 4-port/wireless router, I can set everything up exactly the way I currently have it, or the tech can set it up for optimum speeds, whatever.
I'll let him hook it up his way, and if I don't like it, I'll just hook it up my way later on.

So that was my day Thursday.
A lot got accomplished, sure most of it the teens did, but things got done and that's all that matters.
Now for today, I am going to tackle cleaning out the microwave, cutting down those boxes, and I'll do the rugs if i am still feeling up to it.
I do feel better, but i don't want to push myself too hard or else I may just fall back down again.
I know that my strength is definitely not back up to where it needs to be at yet.
I need to eat more, get more fluids in me, and attempt to get some rest too.

Posted by Kat at 4:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Hey all, it's been about a week since I've posted anything here, sorry to have worried any of you, a few of you emailed and Twittered me to see if I was ok, thank you.
I have been extremely sick since my last post last Thursday, I have no clue what it was, but damn, it hit me hard.
It was a non-stop puke fest for me all week long, and no sleep, so it was pretty much hell.
I probably dropped about 10-15lbs though between all of the puking and not being able to keep anything down, not even any water or anything.
I was extremely dehydrated, hallucinating, and in horrible pain too thanks to the super crappy rainy weather we've been having.
Seriously, it's been like my own personal version of hell.
I was barely able to swallow and keep down enough liquids to take my pain meds, and then spent the entire week going from one piece of furniture to the next in vain attempts to get comfortable.
My bed, the couch, the floor, back to my bed, back to the couch, Sebastian's bed, back to my bed, rinse and repeat.

I thought about going to the ER a few times, but they always treat me like total crap.
I get there, they take me to triage, take my blood pressure, it's high, they then ask me if I take any meds, I list them out, and that's when they start treating me like crap, like I'm a drug seeker.
They completely ignore the reason I came in, my reason of complaint, the non-stop puke fest, and accuse me of being a drug seeker regardless of how many times I tell them I am not there for drugs, that I have drugs at home, or I even bring my pill bottles full of pain meds with me because I know how they're going to treat me by now, and they still treat me bad.
The last time I was really super sick and brought all of my pain and heart meds with me, it was clearly obvious I was not drug seeking, and the ER doc actually said to me, "It looks to me like you have a drug problem."
They ignore the reason I come in, they discharge me, and send me home.
So, I decided to just stay here and deal with whatever this was this time, and I was actually very scared a few times, really scared, i wanted to call 911 but I knew how bad they would treat me, so I just stayed home and hoped it would pass.
Luckily it did, but man, it sucked, it was really very scary too.
It sucks that I have to be alone and frightened instead of in the hospital being taken care of by professional doctors, but they do not act like professionals due to the amount of pain medicine that I am prescribed to take.
The way my head is stuck, it's a very bad thing to vomit at all, and so a non-stop puke fest for a whole week, yeah, very scary, and a few times I was unable to breathe, nothing but bile was coming up, it had like a pinkish color to it, I was terrified, but I refused to go to those doctors who I knew were going to treat me bad because of my other health conditions that I have explained to them a million times, they have my xrays, my medical records, letters from my surgeon, everything, and they still treat me that way.
It's not right and it's not fair.
I was very scared this time, I really wanted to be in a place that would help me, that could help me, but they never do, I really hate Sarasota Memorial Hospital for making me feel this way, for making me feel like I had to stay home and be afraid and alone, but that is how they have treated me the last 3 times that I have had to go there for any type of emergency.

Posted by Kat at 1:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)