My Single Mom Life

So many lies have been said, told to other people about what happened here, about me and my sons, and it has to end.
My sons are being hurt right now and not by me.
The lies that have been said about me and what happened here, are destroying my family.
My parents have been told horrible lies about what I did, about things that I supposedly said and did.

Every single email that has come in to my account from any family member, have been read by my sons.
I do NOT hide anything from them, they know every single word that has been said, and they are really angry about the lies that have been told about me to my family.

The boys called for help, they were scared and worried, they needed a break, but things were blown completely out of proportion, twisted around, made to sound so much worse than they really were, and now the boys are being hurt, it's not right or fair.

Every month when I see my doctor, I have to pee in a cup, I am tested for illegal drugs.
If illegal drugs are found in my system, I will be kicked out of my doctor's office and blacklisted to all other pain management doctors.
I have passed every single pee test because I am NOT doing illegal drugs like my family was told I was doing.
I have not done any illegal drugs or had an alcoholic drink, those are lies, and my doctor can confirm that.
There is a bottle of wine that was sent to me by an advertiser to do a product review of, in my refrigerator for the last 5 months.
It is in there unopened, I have not done the product review, I have not had a single drink in almost a full year.

I am seeing a counselor and will continue to see the counselor, but no, the counselor did not disagree with me, they disagreed with the people saying that I needed to be off of the pain medication.
The counselor has spoken to my doctor about increasing my medication, not taking me off of it, so to have people say that they know more or better than the doctors is really frustrating.

I don't want anyone's help getting the money to go to Maine, I will do it on my own.
I NEVER asked for help getting the money to go, I don't want help getting the money to go.

It really hurt the boys to read the email that came in this morning saying that if we do come to Maine, that they will not be welcome to stay, it crushed them.
I am not the one using them as pawns on a chess board, all they wanted was a break because I was extremely depressed and it scared them, not because I was doing illegal drugs, that was an outright lie said to make me look like a bad person and a bad mother.
I admit and have been admitting all along, for months and months, that I was depressed, that I needed help, that things here were bad, but no one was listening, no one was doing anything to help.
And now, some very serious and terrible lies are being said about what happened here, about what I did, they are all terrible lies, and no one will listen because people have been convinced that I'm a lying and irrational drug addict.

As for me being able to fly on a plane to get there, it will be extremely hard, it will be very painful for me to sit in one of those seats for hours and have to walk from gate to gate, but my sons want to see their grandparents, so I will deal with the pain so that they can go and visit.
Are more lies being said about what kind of shape I am in physically?
Has it been said that I am not as bad off physically as I am?
Should I have my surgeon call?
Should I have my doctors call and explain it all so that you can hear it for yourself?
If it will help you see that horrible lies have been said, then I will, I will call them and give them permission to tell you everything about my physical condition, because it is obvious from reading that email that you believe what has been said to you about everything.

My sons don't even know what Baker Act or Marksman Act means, they were asked that question today by my friend who gave me a ride to the store and then sat here and talked to us for awhile.
They do not know what those things mean, someone else told them those things, just like someone else is telling you all of the other really horrible lies that have been said.
My sons did not want me locked up or sent to rehab, they simply wanted a break from having to deal with my depression and pain.
It is other people who made phone calls to the rehab, it is other people who told them to say those things to me, and if you would talk to the boys they will tell you that.
But you won't talk to the boys, you won't ask them what really happened, you don't even want them to come visit, they are absolutely crushed and hurt, and they are angry over all of the lies that have been said.

Since the boys have been home, Mark last Sunday, and Sebastian on Monday, NO ONE has come to this house to try and talk to us, so it is impossible for me to have opened the door, tell the person to fuck off, and then slam the door.
NO ONE came here, and they are really, really angry that was said because it is a lie.
NO ONE has called here to talk, the boys are the ones who answer the phone, they are usually the ones to answer the door too, so what was said about me slamming the door in their face was an outright lie, just like all of the other lies that have been said.

As for being a teenager and doing drugs back then, yup, I've never denied that either, but I wasn't the only one in our family doing that, but it's so easy to forget that.
Heck, my very first beer was given to me by them, I was taken to my first party by them, they gave me my first taste of drugs, but that's all forgotten isn't it?

I'm supposed to say thank you?
Thank you for all of the lies that have been said about me?
Thanks for making up things that never happened, thanks for blowing this up and exaggerating what really happened?
No, sorry, I will not say thank you for that because it has destroyed my family.
Really horrible lies have been said but no one will listen because everyone just assumes that "it is the drugs that are making me such an irrational person right now."
I'm not the one causing all of the stress, I called my doctors for help, I didn't involve anyone else, I didn't call you up and tell you what was going on because I knew that it would be stressful for you, so I was handling it on my own.
Other people called you up and filled you with stress and worry, not me, but I'm being blamed for that, of course, it makes total sense, blame the person who DID NOT call you up and tell you all of this.

Did they also tell you that during my first surgery in 2006 when they were supposed to be taking care of the boys at their house, that they brought the boys back home after just 6 days?
I was in the hospital for 18 days, the boys were brought back home after just 6 days, so they spent 12 days completely alone in the house when they were just 12 and 14 years old.
I was in the hospital and they were at home alone for 12 days.
No one told me about that for a full year after the surgery, and it was the boys who told me.
No one has ever apologized for that, it was never even discussed by the person who did that, they think that I don't know, but I do, and I am angry.
The boys slept in my bed, they were scared, Sebastian cried himself to sleep every night, and Mark slept with a knife under his pillow because he was scared to be home alone with no adult, they were supposed to be staying with someone until I got home, but they were dropped off here after just 6 days.
Am I supposed to say thank you for that too?!
Pretty much the same thing happened during the second surgery in 2008 too.

Everyone thinks that I'm being mean and ungrateful, but I have said thank you for every single bit of help that I have ever gotten, people think that I'm being mean and vindictive, but I have not done a single thing in retaliation, I have not done anything to hurt anyone else.
I have not lied, and I have not tried to ruin someone else life by lying or telling the truth about that person's life.
I could, but no one would believe me anyway, and it would probably be said that I was lying and being mean just to get back at that person.
I could break the promise that I made to "never tell mom and dad" about all of the things I promised to keep a secret.
But I won't because I'm not a mean and vindictive person, I don't do things to hurt other people, I would never betray a promise that I made.
I will say though that I have some very serious concerns, a "monster" is doing something bad, and I am ashamed of myself for not trying to stop it, but I made a promise, and I will never ever betray something said in confidence just to try and make people believe me.

No matter what I do right now, it will be the wrong thing.
I will lose no matter what I do, and I already have lost based on lies.
I have now lost my parents because of lies and that hurts so freaking bad but there is nothing that I can do, they will never believe me because the lies are so big and so deep, it will just be said that I'm a lying drug addict and this is what lying drug addicts do.
My friend told me today that eventually the truth will come out, and when it does, everything will be ok.
I hope so, I really hope that the truth does come out eventually because it really hurts that my parents don't want anything to do with me, they don't want us to come visit, they said that we can only come visit for 1 day, that we are not welcome to stay.
They are hurt and angry because of lies and there's nothing that I can say or do to prove those lies.
Even if my doctors called them up, told them the truth about my physical condition, and that I passed every single drug test, they wouldn't believe me.
The lies are so big and so deep.
All I can do is hope and wait for the truth to come out someday.
My boys are very hurt, so very, very hurt, they read that email about not being welcome to stay and everything else that it said, and they are very angry and very hurt, they know the truth, they know that what has been said is all a lie, and they both have said that if they are not welcome there, then they don't want to be there either.
No one wants to hear the truth, everyone is believing the lies, no one will even listen to the boys, they were here, they know the truth, they know that I wasn't doing any illegal drugs, they know the truth about everything!

This is all way to much to deal with, it's killing me, it's hurting the boys, and no one will listen to the real truth, the lies are told so well that no one will listen to the real truth.
I will NEVER speak to that person again, never.