My Single Mom Life

The boys still aren't home, I don't know when or if they will be back home anytime soon.
It's so very quiet here now, and time is moving so slowly.

I went and saw a doctor earlier this afternoon, I was in far too much pain to deal with, my lower back keeps having spasms, I was feeling sick, and having massive panic attacks all night long, so I called my friend Mindy to take me.
She stayed with me the whole time too, which was really nice, I had someone to talk to, as I said, I've been home alone for days now.
I feel like one of those cutout cardboard displays, flat, lifeless.
I'm just not ok.
I want to be ok, I want to feel happy and alive again, but I'm struggling so hard with all of this, it's too much at times and I begin to panic.
I feel like my heart is exploding, I was awake all night with pain and worry, sadness, fear, and it all just is too much to take.

I keep saying how crazy this all is, because it is crazy, it's just unreal what's happening.
Once people actually listen to me, what I have to say about what's going on with me, they get it, they understand that I'm dealing with a lot of stress and a lot of issues, and they wish they could help, but no one really can, this is all stuff that I have to work out on my own and with the new counselor I'll be seeing this coming Thursday.
I have years of pent up anger, frustration, guilt, it's all just built up inside of me screaming to get out, begging to get out, hoping that someone will understand.
The doctor I saw today understood, at least she appeared to, no judging, no shame on you, just wow, that's a lot of titanium, pain, and stress, no wonder that you're hurting and panicking.
It will be so nice to have someone to talk to, someone on the outside of all of this, who will listen to me and help me work through all of the issues that I have.

Mark emailed me late this afternoon, said that he loved and missed me, said he hopes I'm doing ok.
I emailed him right back, told him how much I LOVE and miss him too, how sorry I am for everything, told him about seeing a doctor today, about going to see a counselor to talk who will also work with my doctors so I can begin trying to fix all of this.
I miss them so much, it's so quiet here without them, there's no bickering going on, no beeping video games, just silence.
I am just so so sorry for everything I have put them through all these past years, I so wish it could have been different, I never wanted it to be like this, I hate this so much.
I want them to come home so bad but I'm afraid of any more hurt happening, I don't want them to be hurt anymore.
I'm just so lost right now.
Lost, confused, hurt, sad, angry, all kinds of emotions are happening, and I don't want what's happening with me to affect them anymore than it already has, I'm afraid of hurting them again, I love them too much.

It's so super quiet here, I can't stand it, so I think I'll re-watch the 3rd and 4th discs of True Blood that I have from Netflix.
I wasn't really paying attention the other night when I watched them, I was too upset, so I'll re-watch them and try to relax for the night.
I really need to just relax, to try and get some rest.