My Single Mom Life

It was a very long, very quiet ride out there, I am still angry and hurt, tired of talking to people who refuse to listen, and so it was a very uncomfortable ride.
We got there and they had me fill out a bunch of paperwork, some were of the typical medical questions, but this is a drug rehab treatment center, they do in house and outpatient programs, and so 3 pages of questions that are so so not me and my situation, were horribly degrading to even have to answer.
Things like do I use needles for drugs, share needles, have I ever had sex for money or drugs, sex with an at risk person for money or drugs, just a lot of really horrible things that I have never, would never do.
I understand though that there are addicts out there who do those things, but none of it applies to me, not even in the slightest, so it was very hard to sit there and answer those questions without wanting to scream.

They called my name and I went in and spoke with the counselor/therapist, whatever they are called, and it went much better than I expected.
She still gave me the higher power speech, but once I told her that I was an atheist and refused to rely on any type of imaginary power to help me, she dropped the subject.

I told her everything that has been going on, about all of the surgeries, how much titanium is inside of me, what the original plan was, and where I'm at now that the surgery is canceled.
She listened, she just straight up listened.
She asked me a few questions here and there, like what are my meds, how often, do they work etc, and I told her everything that I am prescribed to take, how often I am supposed to take it, and that yes, I have had to double up on bad days and rainy days, and she said to me that my meds don't need to be cut, not at all, instead, they need to be upped.
She said if I'm having to double up, then they obviously aren't working as well anymore, and they need to be upped or something else needs to be tried, but stopping the medication for me and my situation was simply not even an option on the table, and she said it was ridiculous if anyone thought otherwise.

We talked about my pain manager doctor, I told her that this coming appointment will be exactly the 4th time I am seeing him, (I was switched from 1 pain doc to another because my 1st pain doc was a rehab specialist, and I am long term pain care) and he knows none of what is going on other than the surgery was canceled.
When I started seeing him, we were a go for surgery, so he kept me at the pain med doses I was at because I was going to be having another surgery.
By law, you can only see a pain manager once every 30 days no matter what.
It doesn't matter if you run out, lose them, or somebody steals them, the law is the law, so even if I called him up and told him what was going on, by law, I still cannot go in and see him, so I've had to deal with the cancellation of my surgery and the depression on my own since June 10th -12th when the surgery was canceled, it's been exactly 3 and a half weeks since the cancellation and my last appointment with him which was before the surgery was canceled.
When it got canceled, I had to call his office and tell them that I would be needing a July appointment after all, (surgery was scheduled for June 29th) so they scheduled me for 4 weeks out, which is July 14th.
He cannot see me any sooner by law, so yeah, all of this has been on my shoulders to try and cope with.
I told her that as soon as I saw myself starting to feel really bad, get really depressed, that I called his office and asked for extra time with him at that appointment because I need to speak with him about my meds and the depression, so they booked me for a longer appointment.
I was already on top of what needed to be done, I had the ball rolling, so all of this, yeah, just not good, it just added to the pile of crap I was already feeling and trying so hard to deal with.

She said that our plan of action was actually pretty simple, I would start going there once a week and talking with the therapist, they would work with me and my pain doc to increase my meds, put me on an antidepressant that will work with the meds that I take, and just have an hour a week to talk to someone who will just sit and listen to how I feel.
No one will be judging me, putting me down, telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing, and she said that given my circumstances, it's pretty amazing that I didn't fall apart much sooner.
She didn't judge me for anything, for any of the mistakes I've made over these years, she said that no one else will ever know what my life is like, but if people don't walk a mile in my shoes, they really have no place to judge.
It was so nice to hear that, to have someone at least try to understand how I feel and to not judge me for this screwed up life that I live but never asked for.

Quite a few people have come forward and offered their support, their friendship, and their understanding in all of this, and I thank all of you so much for that, I really needed that.
No, they don't know what it's like, but they didn't judge me either, they know that this situation isn't something I asked for, they know I hate it, and they know how bad I wish it wasn't like this, but they simply offered their support, their friendship, and a hug to let me know that I'm not fighting this alone.
All I needed was to be heard, to be listened to, for someone, anyone, to just shut up and listen to what was going on, what the plan in place was, and to just try and be patient while I worked through this with the help of my doctor who has to follow the laws.

I feel a lot better knowing that once a week I can go talk to someone who has a medical background, who deals with this stuff on a daily basis, who will listen to me, help me in any way that they can, who will not judge me, and help me work through all of the guilt, which honestly, I shouldn't be carrying alone.
There were people who promised to help after the surgeries, promised to take care of the teens, help me once I came home, and they never did, so the teens had to help me, they had to do it all because those promises got broken.
I needed the help, the teens should have never had to do so much, but they did, so I carry all of that guilt around with me all of the time, and it kills me inside to hear my sons tell me that these past years have sucked so much for them and it wasn't fair that they had to do it all, and they hate me for it.
I know that, I so so know that, and no, it wasn't fair, but what was I supposed to do?!
I had no one, the people who promised to help didn't, I didn't have anyone else, the teens didn't have anyone else, it was all on us to deal with, and I am so so so sorry that they had to do it all, so sorry.
I am so sorry.
I really wish it could have been different, I tried, I planned, people promised, I should have found others to help but I trusted that those promises would be kept, and when they didn't, it wasn't fair, and I am so so sorry, you have no idea how sorry I am that the teens had to do it all, just so so sorry.

The teens aren't home and won't be coming home for a few more days, and that's ok.
It's giving them time away from all of this, it's giving me time alone, a huge break from having to try and hold it together, I can just be alone and cry as I need to without people freaking out and thinking I'm going to do something stupid.
I don't know how the therapist's plan of upping my meds is going to fly in the face of the ultimatum I was handed, but I'm going to follow what the doctors tell me to do, it's what I need to do to be healthy and alive, and not in pain.
If what the doctors are going to do isn't ok with the ultimatum, there's nothing that I can do.
I've accepted that.
I love my sons more than anything, I would do anything for them, I would lay down my life for them, but I'm going to follow the doctors, it's what has to be done, it's what's right to do, and people may not understand that, they may not understand chronic pain and that even my surgeon has said that there is no hope for me, not for the foreseeable future anyway, and that I will be on pain meds for the rest of my life, it's what it is and they can either accept that and try to work with me or they can't.
It will hurt, it will hurt so so much, but my doctors have been saying this for a long time, and now the therapists are saying it too, going off the meds is not an option, it's not even being discussed.
I'm going to follow the new plan, talk to the therapist who will listen and not judge me, and do what I have to do to be out of pain and try to get my life back, well as much of a life as I can have being stuck like this.
I'm grieving for the loss of the rest of my life.
I will be stuck like this, in pain like this, for the rest of my life.
I am a prisoner in my home because of my body, I'm never going to have a normal life again.
Going out, going to the movies, trying to do fun things, eating in restaurant chairs, walking around the mall or a store, trying to find or have a relationship, all of those things cause extreme pain, so yeah, I'm grieving for the loss of a normal life and I need people to let me do that, to let me work through those feelings of loss, to try and find a way to cope with it, to accept it, that's all I'm asking for here, just give me some time to deal with and accept this.