My Single Mom Life

The appointment with the counselor went well, we talked for about an hour, went over what brought me there in the first place, and talked about what I'd like to get out of this whole counseling thing.
I told her that I just want to be ok, that I need to get all of the guilt that eats at me every single day for the last 10+ years, out of me, that I need to talk about my pain, what it's like living like this, how it affects me, and how to deal with other people who don't get it.

People think that I should just be ok, just snap out of it, get over it, but it's not that easy to do.
It's one of those easier said than done things.
I had my hopes up that this would get fixed, now it's not getting fixed, so I need to deal with that, accept it all, and then I can move on with whatever the rest of my life is going to be.
I know that I am lucky to be alive, that things could be so much worse, I could be paralyzed, I could be dead.
Well, if I was dead, then at least I'd be dead and not giving a shit anymore because I believe when you die, that's it, you're dead, no restless soul and all of that crap.
If I was dead, yeah, my sons would miss me, my friends would miss me, my parents would miss me, but I know that everyone would also be letting this giant collective sigh of relief out, they'd all be able to stop worrying so much, they'd all be able to move on with their lives, not be stuck caring about and for me, the pressure would be gone.
I hate the way my life is, and I know that other people hate the way my life is, it's so overwhelming at times to have to deal with all of this, so yeah, one big huge sigh of relief.
And no, I'm NOT thinking about doing anything to bring on my own death, I am simply talking about how I feel.
I have absolutely no thoughts of killing myself, so please, no more of that suicide talk crap, I am not going to do anything to myself.

I also know that it could be worse and that there are people who do have it much worse, but I'm still in the beginning stages here, I'm still dealing with it, trying to deal with it, and it's just going to take me some time to get to that point of acceptance and moving on.

It would help so much if I didn't have to deal with other people's perceptions, other people's issues with it, that makes it so much harder.
I feel like no matter what I do right now, the exact opposite of that is going to be what I should have done.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
If I say sorry, and I still don't know what I should be saying sorry for other than for being super angry over the things that were done and said, I'm still going to be looked at at treated like crap because then they can point their fingers and say "See?! See?! I told you she was an irrational lying drug addict! I was right!"
If I say thank you for the "help" I was given, I'm still going to be looked at and treated like crap because then they can point their fingers and say "See?! See?! I told you she was an irrational lying drug addict! I was right!"

I just don't know what to do or how to do it.
Mark says that I should just do nothing right now, that I should just let things cool down for however long it takes, that I am helpless to stop the craziness that is happening.
Sebastian on the other hand, wants me to start fighting back, to start doing what is being done to me.
I can't do that though, I am not like that, I don't play those kinds of games.
Even though I don't play those games, I'm being forced to sit at the table with the board and dice in front me, and when it's my turn, the other people are rolling the dice again, taking a double turn, making the game completely unfair.

I think what I'll do is take Mark's advice for now, I'm going to do nothing, I'm going to just let whatever happens, happen, give other people time to cool down and do whatever it is that they feel they need to do no matter how many others get hurt in the process of trying to hurt me.
I cannot stop the games or the lying that is being done now.
I will not stoop to the level of lying to make anyone else look bad.
I am not doing anything to hurt anyone else, I will not lie to hurt someone, and I will not betray anything that has been said to me in confidence.
When I make a promise to friend or family to keep things between me and that person, that is what I do.
Just because I am angry does not give me free reign to break that confidence, it does not give me free reign to tell lies to hurt someone else.