My Single Mom Life

18 years ago today, I gave birth to the boy that changed my life.

Before I had him and even while pregnant with him, I was thinking that my life wouldn't change.
I was a little over 3 months pregnant with him on my 21st birthday on March 1st 1991, I couldn't celebrate the big 21 the way most 21 year olds do with a drink, and yet I kept on thinking my life wasn't going to change.
It was a long and hot summer waiting for him come, one of the hottest summers in years in Maine.
I spent most of the end of July and the beginning of August standing in an ice cold shower or laying on the cold kitchen floor with 3 box fans all aimed at my swollen belly.
When he finally decided to come out after several false alarms, it was a long and painful delivery, but the moment he came out and they placed him in my arms, I fell in love and my life was forever changed.
I couldn't believe how one tiny little baby could make my heart swell and ache so much, I loved him with every part of my body, I just wanted to hold him and never let him go.
He was so stinking cute, big brown eyes, lots of soft brown hair, and a playfulness that was totally contagious.

He loved to play in the laundry basket like it was a car or a choo-choo train, cover his head with his blankie and play peek-a-boo with me until I played back, and then he would laugh and smile and I'd laugh and smile back.
If I gave him anything that could be made to be played like a guitar, like a broomstick or a fly swatter, he'd stand in front of the oven door glass so he could see himself playing rock n' roll.
He'd pretend it was a guitar and tell me to play music, and he'd rock out on his pretend guitar and bang his head while Metallica, or Pearl Jam, or whatever, was blasting out of the stereo.
He loved music like I love music, something was always playing on the stereo, and he'd play and sing along.

I remember his 1st day of school, he was so cute in his 1st day of kindergarten clothes with his little name tag on it, and an apple sticker that had his teacher's name on it, in case he got lost in the building, any teacher could help him get back to class.
I remember putting him on the bus and how scared he was.
He sat in a seat near a window looking at me, his big brown eyes just staring at me, I knew he was wondering why mommy wasn't on the bus with him, and when it started to pull away, he realized mommy wasn't going to school too, and he started to cry, and then so did I.
All of the other mommies standing at the bus stop were crying too because I was crying watching my baby boy cry.
Another little boy on the bus sitting with him held his hand and told him it was ok, but he kept looking back out of the window and staring straight into me.
My heart was so broken up, I never wanted to put him on the bus again, I never wanted to ever let him go again.
But the next day came and he was ok getting on the bus, and then so was I.
The past 18 years have just flown by, I am amazed at how fast they have gone and I wonder where they went, what did I miss, did I see it all, do I remember it all, will I forget it all?

He graduated from high school at the end of May, he refused to get a hair cut, he wanted his hair his way, not mommies way, he wanted to be himself, be the person he had become.
He's 18 today, no longer my little baby boy, he's all grown up now and soon I'm going to have to let him go.
He wants to take criminal justice classes in college, and then apply for the police academy so he can become a cop like he's wanted to be since he was 3 or 4 years old.
As far back as I can remember, he's wanted to be a cop, and he's going to do it.
He said he's not going to move out until he gets a job as a police officer, and he promises that he won't move too far away from me, but some one of these days, he's going to be on his own and I'm going to have to let him go.
I never want to let him go but I know that I have to, and my heart aches just thinking about the day he moves out on his own.
It's so hard to look at him some days, looking at the young man that he has become, wishing that I could have him be that small adorable boy for just a little bit longer.
At exactly this time 18 years ago, 2:15 am, I gave birth to the boy that changed my life.
I am a different person because of him, I am a better person because of him.
I admire the person he has become, and I know that the man he will eventually be will be a good and caring man, a strong man, he'll be fine on his own, I know that he will, but still, I never want to let him go.
I know that I'll be ok once I know that he's ok on his own, it will be like that 1st day of kindergarten except that I'll be the one staring out the window watching him go and crying.
Today is the 18th birthday of the young man that changed my life.