Not sure what to do right now.
I'm sorry that I haven't blogged since Tuesday, all I have done since we came home from Mark's doctor appointment is Twitter.
I just Twittered a bit ago about how Mark is doing, it's not good at all.
We went in and got the results of Mark's MRIs, and it's really not good at all.
We know that Mark has Spondylolysis in his lower spine, but we now know what else is wrong with his spine.
Pretty much everything that is wrong with me and my spine, he has wrong with his spine.
He has nerve impingement, stenosis, disc damage, degenerated discs, and worst of all, (it's all bad but this really sucks) he has the same thing wrong with his neck that caused me to have that emergency surgery back in September 2008.
His vertebrae in his neck are closing in on his spinal cord just like mine were.
It's not as bad as mine was, we caught it very early, but it is there.
The vertebrae from his C1 through C6, are closing in on his spinal cord and he will eventually have to have surgery.
The doctor said that he does not want to do either the lumbar surgery or the cervical surgery, 2 spine fusion surgeries, on Mark right now, he said that he thinks Mark is too young, but I know from experience that waiting till you're older is a very bad decision, it has caused me so many problems, I am still not healed from my first spine fusion in February 2006, so no, I do not want to make Mark wait until he's older.
I am hoping that when we see the neurologist, we have a referral but no date yet, that he will decide to do the surgeries now or very soon, not in 15-20 years like his doctor said.
Waiting 15-20 years will just cause the problems with his spine to get much much worse, he will be in pain for all of those years, and I really don't want him to be in any more pain than he already is for any longer than is necessary.
Not only that, but I don't know if Mark can hang on that long mentally.
He sent me an email at 2:30 in the morning, when I was asleep, telling me that he just wants to give up, that because the doctor told him that he can no longer pursue his dream job of being a police officer because any physical activity more strenuous than taking walks, will cause his spine to deteriorate even faster, so no, he can't be a cop.
The doc said it, "Mark, I am sorry, but being a police officer is out of the question".
Hearing those words crushed him, it has literally crushed him.
He sent me an email and my sister an email, he sent me what he sent to her, and I am going to share some of his words with you.
I know that he was very upset when he wrote it because he normally is an excellent writer, he spells very well, so he must have been sitting there crying as he wrote this which just kills me, to know he was awake and upset, crying, having all of these bad thoughts going through his head.
Well, its worse then I thought then we all thought.
I have mothers neck problem, the one that will eventually kill me unless I get surgery.
Along with that alot of diteration all through my back. My lower spine has stoniosis along with spineodilosis.
The doctor said I cannot do anything that will put pressure on my back. No physical activatitys for the rest of my life.
Or else my back could indeed end up like moms or worse. Thought you should know. I am deeply upsetted by this,
and really am starting to give up on alot of things. Becoming a police officer is now out of the question. I am going to try
and take it one day at a time. Because if I start to think about whats wrong with me it becomes over welming.
I don't blame anyone. I wish that i did not have what I have but I do.
I could use help my mind is now often going to dark thoughts that are scaring me. I need my family more than ever.
Is what I emailed to Aunt jo. I cant even start to talk to you about how I feel. My mind is so upset I cant even get a grip on it.
Everything Ive wanted is now gone. Im scared. Im mad. I'm confuesed. Giving up seems to be the only thing that seems right to me.
I dont think me or you can handle this. Emotionally or physically we cant. Im sorry if I ever messed up. Or upsetted you.
If karma is real I have done something horrible to deserve this. FUCK sitting here and the only thing I want is not to be here. Wishing that I didnt have it.
And this is some fucked up dream. All i want now is just to be loved. And have sebastian stop being a little asshole to me.
Love you.
I am at a loss of how to help him right now, I can take him to see all kinds of doctors, get second and third opinions, but I don't know how to help him mentally and emotionally.
I know how he feels though, for years I had bad thoughts, I have often thought about ending it all, if I didn't have my sons, I probably would have killed myself years ago, so I know exactly how he feels.
I know in my head that this is not my fault, I know that, but it IS my genetics that did this to him, and I KNOW that there is no way that anyone could have predicted that I would pass on these horrible spine problems to my son, but I did, and so I feel horribly guilty.
I wish so much that this hadn't happened to him, I wish I could do something, anything, to change this for him, to make it not have happened to him, but now that it has, I don't know how to help him emotionally.
Physically, I can take him to see all kinds of doctors, but I don't know how to help him not feel like giving up.
Mark is supposed to see George, his Big, tomorrow, and I left a message for George asking him to try and talk to Mark, to try and get him to open up to him and talk, to try and help him see that he has a lot to live for, that even though he can't be a police officer, that he can still do something in law enforcement, that he can still help people through the law somehow.
I just feel so bad, I want to help him but I am not really sure how to help him right now, he's sad, depressed, feeling like just giving up on his life and he's only 18.
This is so not fair, it's just not fair.
Comments
hey tell Mark We love him and dont give up. I also dont think I will ever be able to go to the academy because I cant run but I have found great pride in being a dispatcher. I am the first link to helping people I am the person you call for help I am your lifeline until help gets there. Its just an idea for him to look into.
Posted by: shell | October 30, 2009 2:16 PM
My heart just shattered reading Mark's letter. I have no idea what to say to him either.
I think it would be wise to have him see a professional counselor of some sort - someone who deals with people who have just learned of a medical issue that impacts their life greatly.
I know you feel like crap for "giving" this to him. You didn't know that he would get it when you had him. It's not your fault.
I'll be thinking of you guys.
Posted by: Michele {moxygen} | October 30, 2009 2:30 PM
That's a crappy load of news alright!
As for his police career dreams, I imagine that he probably doesn't want to hear it right now but what shell said about being a dispatcher is true. There's also other possibilities such as forensic science. (CSI anybody?)
Posted by: Selif | October 30, 2009 4:17 PM
Awww... Kat you could've called me. I know you don't want to bother me but this is what friends are for. Vent, scream, laugh or cry we should be able to be there for eachother. This is going to take Mark some time to come to terms with but in the end he is a very bright young man and he will surprise us all with his strength, courage and determination. Let Mark know that we are they for him if he needs anything. And of course for you and Sebastian also. By the way.. I have just now checked in with my emails. The next time your ride falls through just pick up the phone and call me.
Posted by: Mindy | October 31, 2009 12:49 AM
You both must feel frustrated, angry, and upset by all of this. I think the folks who posted above me have great ideas. Seeing a counselor who specializes in life changing illness or injury is the first step. I know when I was lying in my hospital bed after my first back surgery to repair my spine (L2-3 removal because of tumors) they had an occupational therapy person and a counselor talking with me less than 24 hours after surgery about how my life was going to change. It helped me to figure out how I was going to rehab and what to expect.
Being a dispatcher would be a great way to be involved in law enforcement or emergency management. There is also video forensics. Do you know if you have a vocational rehabilitation program in your state? It's not what it sounds like. It's a state program that helps people train for work after an injury, illness, or other life changing event. They helped me when I needed support going from disability back to work.
It seems bleak right now but I know you will do your best to comfort and get the right help for Mark. I am thinking good thoughts for both of you.
Posted by: mo | October 31, 2009 1:55 AM
I agree, is there anysort of counseling you can get him into for free? He should have someone to talk too, and it;s hard for it to be you, becuase you wont be able to look at it objectively, cus you are his mom.
the bit about Seb being an ass cracked me up, btw.
Hang in there, all three of you!
Posted by: bluepaintred | October 31, 2009 2:19 AM
I'm so very sorry, Kat. Reading what Mark wrote especially broke my heart.
But, as others have said above, there are other options for him. His life is far from over, especially if he can get surgery sooner than later. This is a big thing, take him for a second opinion if you can.
And definitely look into getting him in to see a professional counselor. Maybe the one that you were seeing for your own depression issues might be able to refer you to someone who specializes in dealing with young people.
I'm sending all sorts of good thoughts in your direction.
Posted by: Christine | October 31, 2009 2:47 AM
Shell has the right idea and Mark should focus on the positive what he can do and not what he cannot do. We all love Mark and want him to have the help he needs. He needs to talk to a councelor who can help him deal with all of the over whelming news. LOVE YOU ALL LOADS
Posted by: Mom | October 31, 2009 8:21 AM
I'm so sorry to hear about this, Kat. *HUGS* There is not much anyone can say right now to comfort Mark, but I do hope that once the shock of it all fades a bit and he can maybe think about the future again, he will seriously consider what shell and Selif said. There are still ways he can help and make a difference.
Posted by: Kirsi | October 31, 2009 8:44 AM
*hugs*
That is absolutely so not fair! I am so sorry to hear of how bad his spine problems really are. Hopefully you will find a doc that will do the surgeries sooner rather than later. Will he be able to be a police officer if he does have the surgeries at a young age and recuperates well? Sorry if that is a stupid question.
I feel for you both; I really do. That has to be THE most helpless feeling in the world..not knowing what to do. You know I am here if you ever want to talk!
Posted by: Devilish Southern Belle | November 2, 2009 3:08 PM
There are other law enforecement jobs like the dispatcher and maybe even CSI? I know they have programs here for that.
Hoping that things turn around for you guys.
Posted by: Lisa | November 4, 2009 10:59 AM