My Single Mom Life

Our Thanksgiving was good, everything was really tasty, and the turkey came out fantastic in the NuWave!
I wasn't sure if I wanted to risk cooking the turkey in the NuWave if it was going to come out bad, but it cooks whole chickens just fine, so why not a turkey?
The fresh thawed turkey cooked in a little under 3 hours, and it came out very moist, tender, and juicy, and tasted exactly like it would taste in the regular oven, so yeah, it can cook a whole turkey in less time than an oven.

But I am just now starting to recover from a spider bite that happened when I laid down to rest early Thanksgiving morning after being awake all night Wednesday cleaning the house and getting things ready.
I didn't know it was a spider bite until yesterday though when Sebastian found the bite marks using a flashlight to look at my right leg.
I laid down Wednesday morning to rest, never felt a thing, but within a few hours, my right leg, left leg, torso, and both arms, were red, swollen, and throbbing in pain.
I could hardly walk, it took help getting around the house, it was soo painful trying to walk, both of my legs were huge and red, I had no idea what had happened.
We thought it may have been a circulatory issue, but Sebastian found the bite mark yesterday.
I have no idea what kind of spider it was, but it caused such a mess with my body.
I am still swollen on my right leg where it bit me just below the knee cap on the inside of my leg.
I had a hard time finishing making the Thanksgiving meal, but I did, then we ate, and then I laid down on the couch and that's where I've been pretty much non-stop since.
I've only gotten up to use the bathroom, but then right back to the couch to keep my legs elevated.
My whole body was red and swollen, my arms, hands, part of my neck, it was really awful.
This stupid bite has caused me to be down and unable to do anything at all, so I am behind on work, the house is a mess, I'm still in pain and just feeling totally tired and useless.
It sucks.

But our meal was good, the teens enjoyed every bite, they have eaten all of the leftovers already too...LoL
Ok, back to the couch I go, sitting up causes the still swollen parts to start throbbing in pain, so I need to go lay down again.
Later days.

Posted by Kat at 2:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The turkey is in the NuWave, yup, I'm cooking the bird in the Nuwave.
I haven't cooked a whole turkey in it yet, but I have cooked several whole chickens and they came out perfectly, so why won't the turkey?
I'll let you know how it goes!

The teens and I don't do do all of the traditional sides many other people do, like we don't do sweet potatoes or candied yams, that green bean casserole makes us all gag, and we don't eat cornbread stuffing either.
We use Stove Top stuffing from a box, mashed potatoes, jellied cranberry, crescent rolls, and corn.
We don't eat any pumpkin pies either...LoL
We bought an ice cream cake for our desert, and we're going to eat off the old school lunch trays that I have.
The teens love using those, they keeps everything separated. haha

They came home from my sister's house earlier than expected, I was almost asleep on the couch after having been up all night, so I guess that turkey tryptophan nap later will be a really good one for me.
Ok, gonna go check on the bird and then maybe lay down again, it's gonna take awhile to cook the bird anyway.

Posted by Kat at 9:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

My sis came and took me to Publix to get some last minute food needs for the holiday, it was absolutely crazy in there today! OMG!
But I knew it would be, day before Thanksgiving, everybody was in there getting their last minute food items and pies.
After we went shopping, she took the teens to her house for the night so they can babysit the girls while her and her husband go out to dinner and a movie for their anniversary.
The teens love babysitting, they totally enjoy playing with the girls and then watching movies or playing WoW after the girls go to sleep.
She'll be bringing them back in the morning so we can have our traditional T-day breakfast, and then sis has to go to work for a few hours.
She said that on the way home today, she and the boys will be hitting a few stores to try and find those Zhu Zhu Pets, which are sold out at every single store she has gone to for the last few weeks.
The girls really want them, so she's trying to get them for the girls for Christmas.
Those are some pretty expensive little toys, holy crap!
I had no idea that they cost that much, and of course, they are THE hot ticket item this year, every kid wants to have one.
She's also looking at those FurReal Friends, the girls like those too, and they are much more affordable.
I just called her and told her that Amazon has the Zhu Zhu pets if she can't find them at any stores, and she said that her and the teens had just pulled into the parking lot at Wal*mart, and they were doing the circle the parking lot thing because it's just packed she said, people everywhere, but she is determined to find either the Zhu Zhu pets or the FurReal Friends that the girls want.
They want the kitty that I linked to, Susan and Skye both said 'he looks like Aunty Kat's kitty Carmine', and they're right, it does!
____________________________

My newly extended family, my bio-siblings, (squeee!) are all getting together for turkey day tomorrow, I wish I could be there, they wish I could be there, Joanne and I messaged each other back and forth on FB about it, exchanged holiday wishes and birth-dates of all of our family members, but I told her that going to Maine is just not gonna happen this year, maybe next year.
I'm hoping for a February visit if my income taxes are good enough.
When we do go, I'll have to get Mark a second form of ID for travel because he's now a legal adult, and anytime I have flown since homeland security set up all of the new flying rules with the TSA, I've had to have my ID, a credit or debit card, and my 'I have metal implants which may set off metal detectors' card.
When Sebastian and I flew to NYC to meet the siblings and do the Today show, Sebastian had his school ID, and that was it, and the check-in person told me that he should get a second form of ID when he turns 18 if he plans on flying anywhere, and Sebastian piped up that he wants to go see Australia, and the lady said that he might have to do an international background check if he plans on leaving the country, that homeland security has gotten much more strict and thorough when issuing passports.
I don't know how true that is, I've never heard that said before, so I'll go look it up at some point before we fly up to Maine to check and see if Mark is really going to need a second form of ID now that he's 18, and I'll look up that international background check rule too.
I've never left the country so I have absolutely no idea what all you would need to leave the country other than a passport.
____________________________

Ok, I haven't eaten anything at all yet today, so I'm going to go grab something to eat.
I bought some of Publix's most awesome chunky chicken salad, so I'm going to make a yummy sandwich and then get cracking on doing the dishes and getting all of my stuff organized to make the turkey and everything for tomorrow.

Posted by Kat at 3:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

This is truly the awesome!

Posted by Kat at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

When I win the lotto, I'm going to buy a new house and I'm going to install a good security system.
Sebastian and I just went for a walk to 7eleven to get some snacks for all of us.
Mark wanted some beef jerky, Sebastian wanted some gummies, and I wanted some Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream.
I love that stuff.

Anyway, when we were coming back home, I saw someone go in my yard, not the driveway, but in the side yard.
It always makes me nervous to see people in my yard, especially at night.
I don't know who they are, why they are in my yard, or what they are doing or planning to do.
We've had stuff stolen quite a few times, 2 gas cans, 3 bicycles, a brand new trash can (?), and a basketball while the teens were playing with it one day.
The guy just rode right into our driveway, and grabbed the basketball, and drove off.
The teens were stunned, they had been playing with it, Sebastian didn't catch it, so it started to roll toward the ditch, and that's when the guy pulled in and stole it.
They came running in the house to tell me but they didn't get a plate number for the red SUV the guy was driving.
All Mark could tell me was that it was a Dodge Ram SUV, so that's all I could tell the cops when I called.
Yes, I know, I called the cops over a stolen basketball, but the teens saw the back of his SUV, it had bicycles in it and other stuff, like the guy was just driving around stealing stuff from peoples yards.

People in my yard makes me nervous, what if they are looking to steal things, or if they are trying to steal things, or what if they are scoping the house, ya know?
Maybe they are casing the house to see if anyone is home to break in, or if they can break in the front or back, and what way is the easiest way to break in.
I have an alarm on my backdoor, but the windows don't have alarms on them, there's no alarm on the front door, and even though I can lock the house up really good, if someone wants to get in, they will find a way to get in.
Because of people like that, I want to get a home security system installed, something that will deter people from trying to break in like a sticker on the windows, or one of those signs that you put in your front yard, but also a system that would alert the police if someone was already in, plus an ear piercing siren that would make them stop dead in their tracks and run.
The alarm on my back door is ear piercing, but as I said, I only have that one alarm.
My mom sent me a window alarm but I don't know which window to put it on, front or back.

I would love to get a cctv system.
Cameras at the windows and doors, in the side yard especially, that's where I see people the most, and my side yard goes to the back yards and back doors of 4 of my neighbors.
If someone is in my back yard, they can easily see the houses of 4 of my neighbors and their back doors.
A home surveillance system with cameras would be very cool to have, plus it would be even cooler if I could hook the whole thing up to my computer so I could see everything the cameras are seeing on my computer monitor.
I know that's possible because I've seen that kind of system in a friend's house in Tampa when he had a party.
He showed us on his computer monitor all of the different camera views, so we were all standing there watching the other people who came to his party.
When he saw a guy peeing in his bushes, he turned on the mic that's hooked up to it, and said over the mic and speakers, "Stop peeing in the bushes!".
Jason turned around and was looking everywhere for who said it, but there was no one there.
He came in the house and was like "Hey man, I think your neighbors are watching us, someone just yelled at me for peeing in your bushes".
We all busted up laughing at him, he had no clue why wee were laughing, he was so confused. hahaha
I did have someone try to break in here once about 7 years ago, I could see them turning the knob on my back door, I could hear them whispering to each other, I knew they were out there so I very quickly turned on the lights and I pulled the alarm trigger myself.
That ear piercing siren went on and the lights were on, and I heard them yell to each other, "RUN!", and that was that, they ran.
That's when I was home and awake, what if someone tries to break in when I'm not home or asleep?
That scares me, to be asleep and have someone break in.
I would hate to wake up, be in that half awake groggy stage, and see someone standing in my room or the hallway, I'd probably pee myself.

Anyway, the person in my side yard tonight?
It's a kid who is staying with Dave, my neighbor directly behind me.
Dave is a really cool guy and neighbor, and he has a woman and her son staying with him for awhile, I think it's his sister and his nephew.
The kid was coming back from a friend's house on the street one over from us, and instead of going all of the way around, it's like 2 really long blocks, so he cut through my yard.
Now that I know who he is, I don't have a problem with him cutting through, but whenever I see someone going through my side yard, I will be looking to see who it is and what they are doing.
If it's him, no problem, but if it's a stranger casing my house or one of my neighbors houses, I will be watching through the blinds and have my phone in hand in case they do try to break in to my house or a neighbors house.

People who break in houses, people who break in cars, people who steal cars and things, are like the lowest.
They don't want to work for what they want, they just decide to take it from people who did work for it.
I really hate thieves.

Posted by Kat at 8:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I've been down sick and seriously fatigued for the last few days due to stress.
I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it multiple times, that when I get super stressed out, my body revolts and makes me super sick.
It's my body's way of saying "Hey! Kat! Slow the hell down woman, you're killing us in here!".
It's just been non-stop arguing with Mark about all of this, and arguing with Sebastian about school, and arguing with an insane teacher who keeps calling me, and just all kinds of stuff.

The approval for physical therapy came in today's mail, so I tried talking to Mark about it, tried to get him to realize that he can do it even though the doc told him nothing more strenuous than going for a walk, but the doc ordered the PT, so yes, he can do some workouts just not do really crazy stuff.
I'm going to set his appointments up with the same place that I went for my PT because that guy who works there really knows what he's doing, and they will be having Mark use some of the fitness equipment that they have there to help him build up his core, make it stronger, it's part of the PT orders that he do mostly core strengthening exercises.
But as it's been for the last several weeks, Mark argues about it, he argues about everything.
I really try to not argue back, but I can't help it.
When he starts snapping at me, starts giving me the eye, I feel like I have to defend myself.
I hate this, I really hate this.

Then this morning, my landlord showed up, said he needed the rent for December early, way early, because of the property taxes that are due, so I needed to give him the rent.
I didn't have it all, so I had to find a way to get it.
I got it and then called him so he could come back and get it, but man, that sucked having to get it all so early.
He apologized about it, said that the property taxes came due, he needed to get down to the city and pay it no later than 10am tomorrow morning, said he got the letter in the mail this morning, and so he had to rush to all of the apartments he owns and get everyone to pay early so he could pay the property taxes and while he's there, he said he's going to yell at them about mailing stuff so late that it makes it hard for people to come up with that kind of money in a little over 24 hours.
But it's all paid now, my rent for next month is all paid, so at least I can stop stressing about that.
Money is a huge stress-er for me, it's always on my mind, and I hate it.
I hate how money causes me so much stress.

Oh well, it's all done now, dinner is done cooking too, so I'm going to go feed my boys and try to have a peaceful evening with no fighting and stuff.

Posted by Kat at 5:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I am seriously ticked off tonight, so ticked that I completely lost my appetite, have no need at all for any kind of appetite suppressant at all, my hands are shaking, I'm super stressed and agitated as well.

That counselor that was supposed to come to the house this afternoon?
She was supposed to be here between 2:30-3pm.
At almost 5 minutes to 4pm, she was still not here.
She finally showed up at almost 4:30pm, and said she was in a meeting, that she has meetings every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, from 2pm-4pm.
So I asked her why she made an appointment to meet with us between 2:30pm-3pm if she knew she was going to be unable to make it?
She said sorry, but thought that it would be ok because as I had told her on the phone, I am always at home.
That doesn't matter!
It does not matter if I am always at home or not, if you make a freaking appointment time with me, you need to keep it.
Showing up late just because I'm always home is simply not ok to do.
If you know that you have meetings until 4pm, schedule the appointment with me for 4:30pm, because even though I don't work, and I say that I'm always home, I do have other stuff to do in my life.
I go to the store for food, I make dinner, I try to get my work done, other things, but instead, I sat here from 2:30pm-4:30pm waiting on her to show up or call, and she did tell me that she would call when she was on her way.
She never called me to tell me that, just all of a sudden, there was a car in my driveway.

I am simply not ok with people who say one thing and then do another.
Just because I'm disabled and always home, it doesn't mean that people get to play with my time like I don't matter.

I am really ticked off and angry, I'm just going to go to bed, I am tired and stressed out, just way too much going on.

Posted by Kat at 9:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

A counselor is coming here this afternoon to talk with us as a family, to see how she can help us, what kind of things can be done to help us.
I know I still haven't explained in detail what's going on here, I will, not right now, but I will.
Obviously though, it's serious enough to get this counselor here as soon as possible because this is becoming so much bigger than I can take care of on my own.
So this morning, I grabbed my box cutter and broke down the box from the computer, started some laundry, dusting, and general cleaning of the house so it doesn't look like a total sty in here when she arrives.

I will try to post the how and the why and how it all went later on, I just have a ton of stuff that I am going through right now, so many things are now way down on my list of to-do's.

And I need a cig in the worst possible way right now. Bad habits are the suck, I know, but damn, way too much stress happening for me right now.
Blah.

Posted by Kat at 11:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have been having difficulty all weekend, actually for many days now, trying to think straight, to work, to blog, to do much of anything, and every single time I sit down to do something, I end up stopping.
I'm not exactly sure of the reason, it's probably several factors.
I'm once again, adjusting to a new med, one that I am having difficulty with, and I have a crap ton of stress, I'm trying to re-adjust to my antidepressant, and I'm just treading water around here.

Mark and I are not ok.
It's rough here, I would love to go into more detail on that, but not right now.
I really think that's the bulk of my problem, I was talking to my sister about it last night, and I was in tears trying to explain to her what's going on, and as angry as I am at him, how can I blame him for what he's dealing with and feeling?
I gave this problem to him, inadvertently, not even knowing that I was going to do give it to him, but I did, so how in the hell can I blame him for how he's feeling?!
I can blame him for how he's behaving, but I too behaved this way when I was faced with the news.
Of course when I got it, I was out on my own, my kids were young, I couldn't really snap at anyone because I had no one to snap at.
Hell, I still don't have anyone to yell at for all of this, my bio-parents are dead.
But I'm right here, I'm his bio-parent, I gave him this crap through the handed-down DNA, so I'm right here to yell at and treat like garbage.

He needs counseling, we need counseling, all of us, as a family, because this isn't just affecting Mark and I, it's affecting his little brother Sebastian too.
Just yesterday as Sebastian and I walked to the store together, we talked as we always do, and he said to me that he will never leave us, that he will get a good education and career so that he can take care of us because we can't survive on our own once Mark starts to get worse, waiting for 15-20 years, Mark will only get worse, so Sebastian isn't going to leave, he's going to provide for us, take care of us physically, and he's scared, scared of the things that Mark has said.
I too am scared of the things Mark has said, that's why he needs counseling, we all do.
It's hurting all of us.

All of this stuff is probably why my brain is like in shut down mode, can't do what I need to do, I'm struggling.

Posted by Kat at 1:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I haven't done much at all this weekend, actually, in several days.
When my computer died last Monday, I pretty much fell out of everything.
All of my stuff is on that computer, digital pics, documents, all kinds of stuff that I can't get back until I can get it retrieved and transferred to this new pc.
My new pc, thanks to a friend, came on Friday morning, delivered by FedEx at like 10:30am, and since then, I have been getting it set up just right and to my liking.
It wasn't on sale, but Buy.com always has computers at super great prices so my friend bought me an early Christmas gift because she knows that the computer is how I make a living, she knows how important it is to me to have a computer that works and works well.

It's an Acer Veriton, almost exactly like the one I had before, and it came with free shipping like they have on most of their products, and they do like rush shipping even on their free stuff.
She ordered it on Tuesday night, and it was here Friday morning.
That's really awesome customer service.

It came with Windows Vista, which I did not like, no, not at all, it asked me like a gazillion times if I really wanted to do the task that I clicked on.
Um, if I didn't really want to do it, I wouldn't have clicked on it!
I was very happy to see that it came with downgrade discs to go back to WinXp, so after like 4 hours of trying and hating Vista, I downgraded to Winxp.
I had saved all of my bookmarks and usernames/passwords for Firefox to my usb, not all of my work docs, but at least I have all of my sites that I needed.
I have it all set up, it's working great, and I was even able to install my Sims 3 on it and be able to play that for a few hours last night when I just had no motivation to do anything else.

I don't know what it is, I just didn't feel like doing anything at all all weekend.
I still don't, but I have stuff to do so I'm doing it.

Posted by Kat at 3:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I thought that I was finally starting to make some progress with Mark, not with his actual medical/Medicaid stuff, but with him and his feelings about all of this.
Last week when he was sleeping in late and Sebastian was at school, I heard Mark yelling, screaming, I thought maybe he was having a bad muscle spasm or something, so I ran to his room to help him.
He was sound asleep but screaming in his sleep.
Screaming that his life was over, that all he ever wanted was now all gone, his only dream was destroyed, and that he hated me, he hates me for what I did to him, because I gave this to him.
I spoke quietly to him to calm him down in his sleep, told him it was all ok, that he was at home, he was safe, that things were going to be ok, and after a few minutes of talking softly to him and rubbing his head, he drifted back to a calmer sleep.
It bothered me all that day and ever since.
They say that when you talk in your sleep, that you tell the truth.
I don't know how true that is, but it's been bothering me that he said those things.
I already blame myself for his spine problems, and I know, it's not my fault, it's genetic, I didn't do it to him on purpose, but I still feel guilty about it, I can't help but feel this way.
It just hurts me to know he is hurting.
And then tonight when he came back home from sleeping at his friend Jeff's house last night, he and I got into a big huge fight about it all, about how it's not fair that he has this, and that he doesn't want to be like me, doesn't want to end up like me, that he better get his surgery, the doctors had better do it now, not wait 15-20 years, that's not acceptable to him, he wants it now, he will not wait, when is his next appointment, what did I do today to get him his surgery, what's going on, why haven't I kept him updated.
He's angry, absolutely furious, and he's lashing out at me because of how he feels, I totally understand that, I did the same thing when it happened to me, when I was told that I had to stop working, that I couldn't lift anything heavier than 10lbs, that I was disabled, I know how he feels, I don't blame him one bit.
We must have gone back and forth for over an hour, me telling him repeatedly that I was doing every single thing within my abilities to get him taken care of, that I had called in and requested the appeal form to request a second opinion from a neurosurgeon other than the one that the orthopedist wants him to see, but the ortho is refusing to allow me to take him to a different doctor, so I have to request an appeal of that decision, so I'm doing that, plus I'm still trying to get the right to take him to a doctor out of network and be allowed to have a consult with that doctor, pay out of pocket for the consult, and not get the doc doing the consult in trouble because he saw a Medicaid patient without their approval.
That whole thing is totally ridiculous to me, I just don't understand that at all, how is us paying out of pocket for a consult a bad thing to Medicaid, why would they be angry over that, they wouldn't have to pay for it?
But Mark and I argued and argued, I tried not to argue back, I know that he's simply expressing his feelings, but he was so angry and yelling at me, he was saying hurtful things to me, about me, and I am ashamed of myself for arguing back, I shouldn't have.

This whole thing is so beyond stressful for the both of us, it's tiring and devastating, and so hard to deal with.
I think it's giving the both of us a big time mental beat-down.
I'm sleeping more than I normally do, I usually have insomnia for days on end, but I'm extremely tired and sleeping a lot, but I'm not sleeping well when I do sleep.
I'm having some pretty major panic attacks while I'm sleeping, enough of an attack to wake me from my sleep and I'll be in a deep sweat upon waking.
I'm not eating well at all either, what I am eating is comfort foods, I eat when I get stressed out like this, I go straight for sweets, straight for my comforts and a lot of them when I get like this.
All of the weight that I had lost over the last few months, about 15lbs, is probably being put right back on and I'll need some slim pills or something to help me get rid of the weight again.
I did get my refill of Elavil today, I ran out about a week/week and a half ago, and maybe that has something to do with how I'm feeling.
I've been taking it since July and this is the first time that I've run out, so that probably has a lot to do with how I'm feeling, it's actually, probably, the entire reason for how I'm feeling.
After taking an antidepressant for 5 months and suddenly stopping, duh, of course I would be feeling way more stressed out than usual and having panic attacks, not sleeping well, and being agitated like I am.
Funny how that just went *bang!* into my brain as I was sitting here almost near tears.
I didn't even think about that being part of the reason that I'm feeling this way.
I do have a lot to be stressed out about, both Mark and I do, this is very hard for the both of us to try and deal with, but some of my issues are due to medication changes, stopping one that I've been on for 5 months.
Duh.

Posted by Kat at 11:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I am one smart cookie I tell ya!

I was freaking out! Like war seriously freaking out about all of my saved bookmarks and passwords and stuff, and how they were lost and gone until my hard drive files can all be transfered over to a new pc.
I was like almost on the verge of tears about losing all of those bookmarks, i need them all for work and stuff, and that's when i just now remembered my Sims 3 USB drive that I got when I got my game.
About 3 weeks ago, I just said to myself, if something bad ever happens, you will need all of these sites, so back them up.
I exported all of my FF and IE bookmarks, and all of my usernames and passwords, to my desktop, and then saved them all to my Sims 3 USB drive.
I just checked it, and yeuss!
It's all still there!
Woot!
I am sooooo happy about that!
Yay!

My friends are on their way over with the desktop that I can use temporarily until I get a new one, they should be here in about an hour or so, and then I'll be able to be back out at my desk with my setup and working again the way that works best for me instead of this strained sitting position that I'm in now.
The loaner desktop isn't much, it's a small hard drive, but that's ok, I just need to be able to get online with it so I can do work.
Then when I get the new pc, I can get all of my files transferred over to it, and be good to go.
I am very lucky to have such good friends who are willing to help me out like that, loan me a computer because they know this is how I make my living, and to my other friend for actually giving me an early xmas present.
I think I said thank you about 80 times, truly an awesome thing to do for me, I am abundant in the good friend despartment and feel very lucky to have such amazing friends.

I went to my docs this morning, I'll post how that all went later on once the loaner pc is hooked up.
Later days for now1

Posted by Kat at 1:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I posted this late last night to the work forums so people knew why I wouldn't be around much.
Took it to Geek Squad, was hoping it was just the power supply.
It's not.
Well, it is the power supply AND the motherboard.
My motherboard is dead, it actually started to smolder while they had it plugged in.
They will be able to save all of my files and transfer them when I get a new pc, but mine has gone to computer heaven, it's totally, truly dead.
No clue what to do, i cannot afford a new one until tax time, so for now the teens and I will be sharing theirs which sucks because it hurts to sit in here the way they have their pc hooked up.
The monitor is on a desk, the keyboard on a tray, and I know, that sounds normal, most people use the computer that way.
But I have my desktop pc on a desk, my monitor on the desk, and I sit in a chair with my feet up and the keyboard in my lap because that's the only way using the pc is comfortable for me because of my neck and head issue.
Sitting at their desk like this, the chair is really low, so it hurts my neck and shoulder muscles really bad to sit and type like this.
After just a few minutes trying to work like this, my neck and shoulder muscles are on fire and all I've done is write 1 email and this, a grand total of 7 minutes, and I am in agony.
Having to try and work like this until I can buy a new pc is going to really f'n suck.
But it must be done.
No work, no money to make to buy a new pc right?
I'll just have to work as much as I can when I can, when the teens are not on theirs, and try to keep the pain down as much as possible with my meds.

I will be around as much as possible when possible.
_________________________

That was last night.
Today, a friend is bringing me a loaner desktop so that the teens and i don't have to share theirs, and then a friend called really late, but I'm always awake anyway, so not a big deal.
But the friend said that I had an early Christmas present coming and to let her know when it arrives which should be sometime this week I think she said.
I couldn't stop thanking her, I really didn't know what I was going to do, I have to have a computer to work on, it's how I make a living, I was almost in tears as the Geek Squad guy told me what was wrong, how bad it was, and because he felt bad about it, he didn't even charge me for the diagnostics which they usually do.
So things will work out, I'll have a loaner until the new one arrives so that I don't have to be in pain trying to share one with the teens.

I'm off to the doctors in a little bit, but I did want to say Happy Birthday to my Mom!
I love you and miss you, and everybody just loved your fudge! hahaha
I think I gave some to everyone who came over, and they all loved it
I hope you have a good day today Mom, have a happy birthday!

Ok, time to get busy and ready to leave.
Later days

Posted by Kat at 8:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I managed to fix the bad caller error, but then when I went to plug it back in, nothing.
I tried for hours and hours to fix it, but it simply will not come back on, it won't boot up, nothing.
The power lights flash for about a half of a second, and then that's it, nothing at all.
I am using the teens pc at the moment, but I can't use it all of the time for work and stuff, Sebastian does school work on it, Mark plays games on it, plus it's on desk and their monitor is at an angle that makes it very difficult for me to see and use, it hurts my neck very bad to sit like this.
I've made like a gazillion typos while writing this entry and had to come back and fix them all after publishing it.

I don't know what to do right now, I use my pc for work, I can't afford to get a new one right now, I won't be able to get a new one until tax time.
Wow, this sucks so fucking much.
I need my computer to work, without work, I won't have any money at all, I won't even be able to try to make money and try to save money to buy a new one.
I can only sit here at their pc for so long before it really starts to hurt me and I have to get off of it and go lay down, it's painful sitting here like this, no wonder Mark complains about his back hurting after sitting here for so long.

So anyway, if I don't reply to emails or you don't see much from me, this is why, my computer has gone to the big pc dead world.

Posted by Kat at 5:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

My computer is acting up, something called a "bad pool caller" error has happened, so I'm running in safe mode at the moment, using the teens pc until I can take this one apart.
Not feeling all that great either, so yeah, taking the day off for now, at least until I feel well enough to fix this pc.

Later days.

Posted by Kat at 10:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Sorry that my posting has been a bit sporadic, often late at night and not every day, and I also want to apologize for not responding to every single comment like I usually do.
I haven't been able to do that for quite some time now and it really bothers me that I can't.
I really enjoy interacting with my readers, with all of you, and by responding to your comments, it also lets you know that I have read them and am reading your advice, ideas, suggestions, etc.
I appreciate every single comment, so not being able to reply to them all bothers me.
I am also running a bit behind on responding to your direct emails, I promise you that I will get to them, it just may take me awhile as I am answering the most important ones first, some are time sensitive, so yeah, it's taking me a bit to get to all of them.

I am dealing with, or at least trying to, deal with, life issues at home.
Mark is slowly starting to talk to me about how he's doing and feeling regarding the issues with his spine.
Just a week ago, he said that he couldn't talk to me about it.
In that email that he sent to me and his Aunt Jo, he said;

I cant even start to talk to you about how I feel. My mind is so upset I cant even get a grip on it.
Everything Ive wanted is now gone. Im scared. Im mad. I'm confuesed. Giving up seems to be the only thing that seems right to me.
I dont think me or you can handle this. Emotionally or physically we cant. Im sorry if I ever messed up. Or upsetted you.

Over the last few days though, he has started to try and talk to me, started to try and open up about all of this and how he's feeling, and it's hard, hard for him, and even harder for me to hear how he is doing and thinking.
He feels hopeless and scared, angry, confused, and super pissed off at the doctor wanting to wait 15-20 years to do the surgeries that he needs.
Mark knows that the older a person is when having spine fusion surgery, the longer it takes to heal, and the harder it is for the body to heal.
He has a friend Jeff who had lumbar spine fusion last year while they were both still in school, Jeff was only gone from school for 2 months, and then he was right back to being able to do pretty much everything that he did before with very little to no pain.
He also knows that I didn't have spine fusion until I was 36 years old, that I was in the hospital for 18 days and my body still has not healed from that first spine fusion surgery.
He has also seen George, his Big who is 57, who had spine fusion on his lumbar area 1 year ago, and has watched him be in pain every single day, and has had days where he's been unable to walk or even get out of bed.
So he knows this, he has seen it firsthand, he knows what waiting too long will do to the body, it won't heal as fast, and it won't heal as well.
With spine fusion surgery, the younger a person is, the better it all goes right from the surgery itself all the way to healing.
Mark went with me to some of my appointments with my surgeon, he heard the questions and answers my surgeon had, like why wasn't something done when I was younger, if it had been done, my spine wouldn't be the mess that it was.
He also heard him say that he has younger patients, teenagers, whose surgeries only took 4-5 hours in the operating room and they were out of the hospital in 4-5 days, not weeks like George and I were.
So Mark is very naturally upset about being told they would not be doing his surgeries for so long, he's furious about it actually.
He told me that he is in pain every single day, his medicine makes him feel terrible inside, it upsets his stomach and makes him very agitated.
The smallest things are upsetting him because of the Tramadol, it's really a horrible drug, it causes stomach upset, makes food taste bad, and it messes with your head very badly.
We did tell the doctor this but he said that he won't be changing it, that it works well for the majority of his patients, so he won't be changing it.
What about the minority of his patients that it's not working so well for?
Do they just have to suffer because the majority tolerates the horrible side effects?
Apparently so.

We've also been talking about his career, well, trying to talk about it.
He keeps telling me that all he has ever wanted to be since he was just a very small kid, is a cop, so being told that he can't, knowing that he won't be able to pass the physical exam or do any of the physical training at the police academy due to pain and physical limitations, has him extremely upset.
I tried talking to him about other law enforcement careers, things that he could do that wouldn't require strenuous physical activity or a hard physical training course and exam, but he just doesn't want to hear it right now, it's NOT what he wanted, he wanted to be a cop, not a CSI, not a dispatcher, not an investigator or clerk, he wants to be a cop, period, so talking about anything else, no, he absolutely does NOT want to hear it.

I am going to back off talking to him about it for awhile, I am going to just give him some more time to think about things and try to deal with them on his own time, he needs more time to try and come to grips with all of this.
It's hard, he's 18, the last few years all he's done is think and plan out his police officer goals, what he needed to do to get there, college, criminal law classes at college, apply at the police academy, get references for it so it would look good on his application to have letters of reference saying what a good and upstanding young man he is, to get a police background check and attach his perfect and clean record to his application, all of the things that he would need to do to apply and be accepted, he had it all planned out and in a notebook, he was checking each step off as he went, and now in that notebook, there's a giant question mark with about a gazillion circles scribbled around it in pen.
This all just makes me so sad and angry.
Angry at the doctor, angry at Medicaid, just really angry and more determined to fight for him to get the surgeries that he needs so that he can do something in law enforcement, maybe even still be a cop, but that will only happen if he can get the surgery now, not in 15-20 years, but now, then heal up, get some exercise and physical training in at a gym, build up his strength and stamina and then apply like he wanted to, prove to them that he can physically do the job.
It's what he wants and I am going to try like mad to help him get it.

Posted by Kat at 2:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

My friend Nic has her own house cleaning business, and she has 2 clients per day, she used to have more than that but the economy has caused people to cut back on services like housekeepers, and they are doing it themselves now.
Due to losing a few clients and because she only uses her own equipment to clean people's houses, so if a vacuum cleaner breaks for instance, it's her own, and not a $500 Dyson that the homeowner owns, she tends to go through vacuums rather quickly.
Running a vac in your own home once a day every day is a lot of wear and tear, so having to run a vac in 2 houses per day 5 days per week, is just asking for the vac to break with the first year/year and a half.
Nic prefers to use canister vacs, they are easier for her to maneuver around people's homes, the longer handled neck makes it easier to get under low tables and furniture, and she's now needing a new canister vac, she said it's on it's last leg, almost 2 years old, and it's starting to have some issues, so it's time to find a new but cheap canister vac.
She doesn't have much time to go shopping in regular stores, and her internet isn't hooked up at her new apartment yet, so she asked me if I could try to find her a new one, preferably one that is on sale, and stay as far under $100 as is possible.

So I am looking on Buy.com for her today, and I found 3 name brand canister vacs all under $100, and 2 of them with free shipping too.
I found a Bissell for just $59.80 with free shipping, a Panasonic for $84.63 including the shipping charges, and an Electrolux for $77.59 with free shipping.

I've used both Bissell and Electrolux vacs before and really liked them, never tried a Panasonic vacuum before so I have no clue how that one would work at all.
Because she goes through them so quickly, needs to spend as little money as possible, and the lower the price the better she said, I am going to have to pick the Bissell.
That's just my opinion though, I have bookmarked all 3 of them for her so when she stops by after work today I can show them all to her and she can then order the ones that she wants.

I am kinda jealous of her getting to run her own business, I used to have my own house cleaning biz when I still lived in Maine, and I loved it.
I really miss being able to work so physically hard like that, and feeling a great sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.
Right now I'd be totally happy if I could get all of my dishes done.
I had been cleaning my house all morning, but I sat down to take a break and now I don't want to get back up and finish. ha ha

Posted by Kat at 1:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Well the 24 to 48 hours came and went with no call back from the Medicaid specialist for Mark.
They had until 5pm today to call me back and they didn't, so at 9am tomorrow morning, I get to call them again and demand to be put on hold while I wait for the specialist, I will not wait for a call back again.
This is the same kind of crap that I dealt with for 4 and a half years, they stall, they tell you they will call you, they never do, it's just a big game of phone tag with them to try and get any answers.
Ugh.

I did get the call from the neurosurgeon's office though, and this is how that is going to work.
I have to go to the orthopedists office and get all of Mark's films, his xrays and his MRIs, on a disc, and then take them to the neurosurgeon's office and just drop them off.
The neurosurgeon and his team will review the films and if they do think that they can help Mark, they will then call me to set up an appointment to bring him in.
If they don't think that they can help him, they will call me to come back and get the disc and a referral to a different surgeon who they think may be able to help him, but I will also have to get that referral cleared not only by the orthopedist, but by Mark's primary care doctor as well.
Sounds like fun doesn't it?

In order to get our own consultation at a specialist at All Children's Hospital, I have to get Mark's orthopedist to fax the written test results to the specialist's nurse, and she will have the specialist look at them.
But in order to actually see the specialist, I have to convince the primary care doctor to request a consult with this specialist, from Medicaid.
The specialist is out of network, so we would be requesting a consult with a doctor that they do not participate with, and I can guarantee you that Medicaid will deny the request for the consult because this is what happened to me time after time after time.

We also cannot just go see the specialist on our own and pay cash out of pocket for a consultation, a second opinion, because the specialist could get in trouble for seeing a Medicaid patient without their written prior approval for the consult, even if they deny a request for the consult from the primary care doctor, they will not let us pay cash out of our own pockets to see the specialist.
That's just insane to me.

I was talking on the phone to Mindy this afternoon, and she asked me what I thought would/may happen if the health care bill passes for the public option, wouldn't it be just like Medicaid?
I said that I can't be sure, but if it's run like how Medicaid is run, then the public option would be of total non-use to the people who really need it.
Medicaid denies almost every single referral request, they deny consultations, they punish doctors for seeing Medicaid patients who want to pay for consults or appointments with their own money because the doctor and patient didn't get their written approval for a consult even if the patient is going to pay cash for the consult, and they deny surgeries that will greatly improve someone's quality of life and allow them to work, lead full and productive lives, because the surgery would cost more than doing the absolute least expensive option which is usually the absolute last thing that a surgeon can do to keep the patient alive.
They would rather pay for a leg amputation and a wheelchair, than to pay for the surgery that would allow the patient to go back to full time work in 6 months to 1 year.
Medicaid would choose the amputation/wheelchair option even though in the long run, it would cost far more, and it would mean that the patient would be on some type of assistance and government run insurance plan, either Medicaid or Medicare, for the rest of their lives.

If the public option is like Medicare, then people would be taken care of.
Medicare has never denied a single medical procedure, medication, surgery, or referral to any of the gazillion doctors that I have had to see in the 3 and a half, almost 4 years, since becoming approved for Medicare.
Medicaid forces patients to see doctors in their network even if that doctor is completely unqualified or incapable of providing the right kind of care for the patient.
Medicare allows the patient to see whichever doctor or specialist that can provide the right kind of care for the patient so that the patient can get back to a somewhat normal life as quickly as possible.
I have been on both over these last 10 and a half years, and Medicare is far superior to Medicaid, and both are government run medical insurance plans.

What makes them so drastically different?
Medicaid is for poor people, people below a certain income level, and living in poverty.
Medicare is for the elderly and the disabled, people who have worked and paid into the system.
It is clearly obvious to me which one considers the lives of their patients more valuable.

I'm just so angry right now.
I'm angry that I am going to have to fight tooth and nail to try and get Mark treated by the most capable surgeons so that he doesn't end up like me, disabled and in a constant state of pain for the rest of his life.
If they had just allowed me to be treated by the surgeon who could do it back when those first 5 doctors said that I needed to have the surgery immediately, and that this 1 particular surgeon could do it, maybe I wouldn't have ended up like this.
But no.
They made me go see 19 different surgeons, all of whom admitted that they were not capable or qualified to help me.
They wasted 4 and a half years of my life, 4 and a half years of precious time, 4 and a half years while my spine was falling apart at a rapid pace.
They waited and stalled, denied the treatments and surgery that would have prevented my current state.
I knew when my Cobra ran out that I was doomed, I knew it, and I was right.
I do not want that for Mark, he does not deserve to have to wait for years and years to get the surgery that would allow him to work, to live a full and productive life.
They are going to send him through hoop after hoop and expect him to jump through all of them, and fight and claw, and hopefully not end up so discouraged and depressed that he just wants to give up.
He's already feeling like giving up now, he knows what I went through, he knows this isn't going to be easy at all, he knows that he's going to be denied time and again.

The neurosurgeon that we have to take Mark's films on disc to?
He is one of the 19 surgeons that I saw.
He looked at my films, looked at me, and said that he was not qualified or capable of helping me.
Unless the man has become absolutely brilliant in just the last 5 years, he will probably take a look at Mark's films and say the exact same thing.

Posted by Kat at 9:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Stress that is.

Oh to be a cat and be able to sleep wherever and whenever I wanted.
That would truly be the awesome.
Shahiro has taken over my Publix shopping bags and claimed them as her bed.
They do look rather comfy don't they?

I have been so stressed out over these last few days, I'm feeling so overwhelmed with the situation with Mark and his health care.
It is on my mind constantly while waiting for a call back from a Medicaid specialist who is apparently the only one who can answer all of the questions that I have regarding his coverage.
How long will he be covered for?
Is it to age 18 or is it 21?
Or is it for longer due to my being disabled?
Will his surgeries be covered or will I have to fight like I did for myself for 4 and a half years?
Can I take him to see the specialist at All Children's Hospital and have it be covered, or will I need to pay for that consultation out of pocket?

Oh to be a cat and find that one little strip of sun coming through the window, and fit whatever part of my body will fit into that warm sunny patch.
I love how Nova the fat no-tail kitty finds that one little strip of sun, and puts her nose into it and falls into a deep sleep.
I wish I could sleep like that.

I have barely slept at all these last days, probably no more than 6 hours in total since Thursday night.
That was the last time that I got more than 5 hours of sleep.
It's been a game of hurry up and wait.
Mark's doctor said that he needs to go see the neurosurgeon immediately, but we have to wait for Medicaid to approve the referral.
Mark's doctor said that he needs to start physical therapy immediately to strengthen his core muscles, but we have to wait for Medicaid to approve the referral for that too.
These are all things that the Medicaid specialist can answer for me, but I have to wait for them to call me back.
I called them first thing Monday morning, bright and early one minute after the office opened for the day, 9:01am.
The call intake worker took all of our information, said that they were passing it on to the specialist people, and that someone would call me back within 24 to 48 hours.
If I don't hear from someone by the close of office hours tomorrow, I will have to call them back first thing on Thursday morning, and play the waiting game again.
It's very frustrating and stressful.
Hurry up and wait.
Hurry, he needs to see the neurosurgeon.
Hurry up and wait.
Hurry, he needs to start physical therapy immediately.
Hurry up and wait.

Oh to be one of these lovely cats and just fall fast asleep and be at rest for hours.
I love how they can just lay anywhere, lay any way that their bodies want to, and be totally comfortable and able to sleep.

Every time that I lay down to try and sleep, I cannot get comfortable.
My body aches everywhere and I know that the stress is a huge factor in that.
When I'm in better moods, my body isn't so painful when it comes time to sleep, I'm able to just relax and sleep when I'm happy, at peace.
But stress makes my muscles tighten up and spasm all night long, sleep is nearly impossible.
I toss and turn all night long, I hear every single noise going on in the house.
The creaking of the teens beds as they roll over, the cats eating their food or getting a drink, the cats playing or fighting, or knocking things over as they play or fight, Sebastian's occasional snores, Mark clearing his throat, both of the teens mumbling in their sleep about WoW or Nazi zombies they have to fight in their video games.
All of the noises and sounds of the house and it's occupants all night long as I struggle to get even just one hour of sleep.

Oh to be one of my lovely cats who are all sleeping again right now in all of their favorite places.
Nova asleep and drooling on my sandals, Kali under the coffee table, Shahiro on the back of the couch, and Carmine in his box by laundry basket.
I can only hope to be able to sleep even half as well as they can.
I'd love to be able to sleep as well as they do even for just one night.
That would be awesome.

Posted by Kat at 8:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I apologize for the lack of updates again, we're all just trying to wrap our heads around the medical news for Mark, and trying to plan our next step, our course of action.
I have a lot of phone calls to make tomorrow, thank goodness for the free long distance included with the Fios, I have a feeling that I'll be making calls all over the state tomorrow and over the next few days and weeks.

I also have a feeling that I will definitely be buying Sebastian a netbook like I posted about a few weeks ago, because not only will he be needing it for school, but I think Mark will also be needing plenty of his own computer time to take some online classes like I've also posted about.
Buy.com has another one on sale this week, it's an ASUS Eee PC Seashell Netbook, for $389.95 with free shipping, but if you buy that one, Buy.com will send you a free $25 Prepaid Visa Card just for buying it.

It's a really nice looking netbook, it has tons of features, it's only 1-inch thick and only weighs 2.4 pounds, that's super small and lightweight!
It has 170gb of Hybrid storage, not really sure what "hybrid storage" means, but 170gb is a lot of storage room!
It has wireless connectivity with built-in 802.11n (draft 2.4GHz n) and Bluetooth V2.1, and 6 hours of unplugged use time, that's pretty decent too.
It also has a 10.1 inch back-lit LED display, for 1024x600 resolution which is perfect for viewing most things, and it also has 2 USB ports for hooking up to the things he would need in his digital design class, and a built in webcam in case he ever needed to use that in one of his classes.
I know he mentioned something about video chats with the rep from the tech school, like they chat with the rep once a week either in person or by cam on the teachers laptop.
It really has a lot of other features too, I'll have to show him this one and see what he thinks of it or if he likes the other one better.
Personally I like this one better, it has far more features to it including 10gb of free online storage for the first 18 months, a 1-year warranty, and a "flawless display" warranty for the first 30 days so if the buyer notices even just 1 itty bitty pixel damaged, ASUS will replace the entire panel at no cost to the buyer.
So yeah, I really think this will be the one that I would like to get him unless he insists on the other one.

We all need to have our own computers for all of the things that we all do and are going to need to do.
I work on mine, this is how I make money to pay rent, bills, doctors, and prescriptions for not just myself anymore, but for Mark now too.
His last appointment cost me $120 because Medicaid refused to cover it, they said that the ortho did not get pre-approval for the appointment to give us the results of his MRI.
Sebastian needs a netbook for his digital design classes, and having the netbook for him will allow Mark to use the desktop to take online classes because we may need to enroll him in some type of college courses if we want to continue him receiving Medicaid.
Because he's 18 now and no longer a student, his Medicaid is set to expire soon, it expires within 6 months of the 18th birthday or within 6 months of being out of school.
He's been out of school since May, and turned 18 on August 15th.
I have to call Medicaid tomorrow about all of this plus ask them about his referral to the neurosurgeon, to physical therapy, and also ask them if he can go see a spine specialist at All Children's hospital in St. Pete.
There's a spine specialist there who my sister knows about, the boy she takes care of sees him and will be having his scoliosis surgery very soon, I can't remember if she said in 6 weeks or in 6 months, we talked about so many medical things, but that specialist is taking new patients and sees young people up to the age of 21.
My sister is going to call that specialist tomorrow and ask him if he can see Mark for a consult appointment, get his opinion, and she said that she'll help me pay for the consult appointment if Medicaid won't.
There's so many things that they won't pay for, and I remember my own hell trying to get surgery after I had to quit working and my insurance from work and Cobra ran out and I had to go on Medicaid before I got approved for SSDI and Medicare.
It was a long battle with Medicaid, they didn't want to pay for anything at all, their answer to my spine problem was if the doctors were sure that not having spine fusion was going to cause me to become paralyzed and lose my left leg all of the way to the pelvis, Medicaid would pay for the leg removal and a wheelchair, but they did not want to pay for spine fusion surgery.
I fought with them for 4 years to get the surgery and had to take my case all of the way to the governor in order to force Medicaid to approve the surgery.
I am totally prepared to fight like that again if they start refusing care for Mark, if they don't want to pay for any of his treatments and/or surgeries too.
I will fight like crazy to get him the best help that I can.

Posted by Kat at 1:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)