My Single Mom Life

I thought that I was finally starting to make some progress with Mark, not with his actual medical/Medicaid stuff, but with him and his feelings about all of this.
Last week when he was sleeping in late and Sebastian was at school, I heard Mark yelling, screaming, I thought maybe he was having a bad muscle spasm or something, so I ran to his room to help him.
He was sound asleep but screaming in his sleep.
Screaming that his life was over, that all he ever wanted was now all gone, his only dream was destroyed, and that he hated me, he hates me for what I did to him, because I gave this to him.
I spoke quietly to him to calm him down in his sleep, told him it was all ok, that he was at home, he was safe, that things were going to be ok, and after a few minutes of talking softly to him and rubbing his head, he drifted back to a calmer sleep.
It bothered me all that day and ever since.
They say that when you talk in your sleep, that you tell the truth.
I don't know how true that is, but it's been bothering me that he said those things.
I already blame myself for his spine problems, and I know, it's not my fault, it's genetic, I didn't do it to him on purpose, but I still feel guilty about it, I can't help but feel this way.
It just hurts me to know he is hurting.
And then tonight when he came back home from sleeping at his friend Jeff's house last night, he and I got into a big huge fight about it all, about how it's not fair that he has this, and that he doesn't want to be like me, doesn't want to end up like me, that he better get his surgery, the doctors had better do it now, not wait 15-20 years, that's not acceptable to him, he wants it now, he will not wait, when is his next appointment, what did I do today to get him his surgery, what's going on, why haven't I kept him updated.
He's angry, absolutely furious, and he's lashing out at me because of how he feels, I totally understand that, I did the same thing when it happened to me, when I was told that I had to stop working, that I couldn't lift anything heavier than 10lbs, that I was disabled, I know how he feels, I don't blame him one bit.
We must have gone back and forth for over an hour, me telling him repeatedly that I was doing every single thing within my abilities to get him taken care of, that I had called in and requested the appeal form to request a second opinion from a neurosurgeon other than the one that the orthopedist wants him to see, but the ortho is refusing to allow me to take him to a different doctor, so I have to request an appeal of that decision, so I'm doing that, plus I'm still trying to get the right to take him to a doctor out of network and be allowed to have a consult with that doctor, pay out of pocket for the consult, and not get the doc doing the consult in trouble because he saw a Medicaid patient without their approval.
That whole thing is totally ridiculous to me, I just don't understand that at all, how is us paying out of pocket for a consult a bad thing to Medicaid, why would they be angry over that, they wouldn't have to pay for it?
But Mark and I argued and argued, I tried not to argue back, I know that he's simply expressing his feelings, but he was so angry and yelling at me, he was saying hurtful things to me, about me, and I am ashamed of myself for arguing back, I shouldn't have.

This whole thing is so beyond stressful for the both of us, it's tiring and devastating, and so hard to deal with.
I think it's giving the both of us a big time mental beat-down.
I'm sleeping more than I normally do, I usually have insomnia for days on end, but I'm extremely tired and sleeping a lot, but I'm not sleeping well when I do sleep.
I'm having some pretty major panic attacks while I'm sleeping, enough of an attack to wake me from my sleep and I'll be in a deep sweat upon waking.
I'm not eating well at all either, what I am eating is comfort foods, I eat when I get stressed out like this, I go straight for sweets, straight for my comforts and a lot of them when I get like this.
All of the weight that I had lost over the last few months, about 15lbs, is probably being put right back on and I'll need some slim pills or something to help me get rid of the weight again.
I did get my refill of Elavil today, I ran out about a week/week and a half ago, and maybe that has something to do with how I'm feeling.
I've been taking it since July and this is the first time that I've run out, so that probably has a lot to do with how I'm feeling, it's actually, probably, the entire reason for how I'm feeling.
After taking an antidepressant for 5 months and suddenly stopping, duh, of course I would be feeling way more stressed out than usual and having panic attacks, not sleeping well, and being agitated like I am.
Funny how that just went *bang!* into my brain as I was sitting here almost near tears.
I didn't even think about that being part of the reason that I'm feeling this way.
I do have a lot to be stressed out about, both Mark and I do, this is very hard for the both of us to try and deal with, but some of my issues are due to medication changes, stopping one that I've been on for 5 months.
Duh.