Brain freeze. Or is it thawing into mush?
I have been having difficulty all weekend, actually for many days now, trying to think straight, to work, to blog, to do much of anything, and every single time I sit down to do something, I end up stopping.
I'm not exactly sure of the reason, it's probably several factors.
I'm once again, adjusting to a new med, one that I am having difficulty with, and I have a crap ton of stress, I'm trying to re-adjust to my antidepressant, and I'm just treading water around here.
Mark and I are not ok.
It's rough here, I would love to go into more detail on that, but not right now.
I really think that's the bulk of my problem, I was talking to my sister about it last night, and I was in tears trying to explain to her what's going on, and as angry as I am at him, how can I blame him for what he's dealing with and feeling?
I gave this problem to him, inadvertently, not even knowing that I was going to do give it to him, but I did, so how in the hell can I blame him for how he's feeling?!
I can blame him for how he's behaving, but I too behaved this way when I was faced with the news.
Of course when I got it, I was out on my own, my kids were young, I couldn't really snap at anyone because I had no one to snap at.
Hell, I still don't have anyone to yell at for all of this, my bio-parents are dead.
But I'm right here, I'm his bio-parent, I gave him this crap through the handed-down DNA, so I'm right here to yell at and treat like garbage.
He needs counseling, we need counseling, all of us, as a family, because this isn't just affecting Mark and I, it's affecting his little brother Sebastian too.
Just yesterday as Sebastian and I walked to the store together, we talked as we always do, and he said to me that he will never leave us, that he will get a good education and career so that he can take care of us because we can't survive on our own once Mark starts to get worse, waiting for 15-20 years, Mark will only get worse, so Sebastian isn't going to leave, he's going to provide for us, take care of us physically, and he's scared, scared of the things that Mark has said.
I too am scared of the things Mark has said, that's why he needs counseling, we all do.
It's hurting all of us.
All of this stuff is probably why my brain is like in shut down mode, can't do what I need to do, I'm struggling.
Comments
I am so sorry you are going through this, Kat. You had no idea about your medical history when you had your boys. I hope he can get some counseling.
I have MD. I know it's not my parents' fault. It will get better. Sometimes all you can do is tell him that it's not what he planned, but sometimes life is about how you handle things you've been dealt, not the things you've been dealt.
I hope you'll feel better soon.
Posted by: Amy | November 16, 2009 4:03 PM
I hope that you all do get the counseling that you need.There are a lot of things that Mark can still do and feeling sorry for yourself and waiting for this spine trouble to catch up to you is not one of them . He can be making himself stronger by getting a job and by working even as a data entry operator or cashier or an office boy who just walks around delivering paper etc to other offices. But he has to do it he is a man now and he has to support himself and do all he can to make his life better. You are a good mom and have taken care of him all his life now he has to help himself. He can get better over time but waiting for things to get worse wont help anyone especially Mark. We love all of you.
Posted by: Mom | November 17, 2009 7:42 AM