Ripping my family apart.
Before anyone asks or decides to make a judgment about me blogging too much information about my kids and their lives, Mark who is 18, and Sebastian who is 16, have read this post and both have agreed that it could published.
It was edited to their wishes which I have always respected when it comes to blogging about them.
I can't go into many details about what is happening because there are certain people who read my blog, and because some of the details are too emotionally painful.
When we were in Maine, we spent a week with Great-Gram who is 82.
She is their father's grandmother, and she said to the both of them on our very 1st day with her, that she will probably be dead by the next time we can go back up, we only go up to Maine about once every 5 years, that's all I can afford to do, but anyway, she said that she'll probably be dead by the time we get up there next, so her dying wish was for the teens to make peace with their father.
The teens have not spoken to their father in many years, and not for a lack of trying either.
We have lived at the same address since 1998, have had the same phone number since then, have told their father he could even call collect to talk to them if he couldn't afford it, the teens have emailed him from their own accounts, and in the past 12 years, he has only called them once, has only sent one letter and package which contained some of his band's swag, t-shirts, a cd, and bumper stickers.
They only received Christmas presents once, and they weren't even signed by him, his girlfriend at the time and mother of his 6th child, a daughter named Sixx, was the one who signed the gift tags "Love Dad", it was clearly not his handwriting and his sons knew it because they read the letter he sent with the band swag.
When he did reply to their emails which was not often, he often accused them of being me, so he called me names and spoke to me the way he always does.
So when Great-Gram asked the teens to make peace with him, Mark apologized to her, but said no, he will not ever forgive his father for all of his wrong-doings against them, that he will never forget any of the things that he did and said to them.
Sebastian, always the people pleaser, said yes, so she set up some visits with their father.
Sebastian has no memories of what happened to him as a baby, he doesn't remember the abuse done to him at his father's hand, and he wants to get to know his for father himself instead of all of the stories from Mark and other family members including Great-Gram.
The visits went well, he said that his father has totally changed, has all of his kid's names (6 kids in total) tattooed on his hands, has their pictures everywhere in his apartment, and tells everyone how much he loves all of his kids.
The visits went so well that Sebastian and his father discussed Sebastian going to stay with him for a month this summer.
His father said he would pay for everything including the plane tickets.
This is a man who can't pay the child support amount of $59 every week, but somehow he's going to come up with the money for a round-trip plane ticket.
Sebastian says that he wants to go, he wants to learn who is father is for himself, and he wants to meet and spend time with all of his half-siblings.
Mark is absolutely furious that Sebastian wants to do this because of all that they went through when they were little, because their father has never paid any attention to them for 12 years, but suddenly, now, now he wants to be "Dad" and love them, now he wants to spend time with them, now that they are all grown up and the hard work of raising them is over, now he wants to be a part of their lives.
Mark wants absolutely nothing at all to do with him ever, except to take his father to court and sue him for all of the back due child support owed to them, but other than that, he doesn't want anything to do with their father.
Mark said that any old asshole can make a baby and be called a father, but a real man, a man who is there for his kids all of the time no matter what the relationship with the mother is, is a man who has earned the title of "Dad", and the man who made him is not his "Dad" and never will be, he hasn't done a thing to earn that title.
The teens argue about this trip constantly, if they aren't bickering over the video games, they are at each others throats over Sebastian wanting to spend a month with their father.
Mark is so angry about it, irate over it, that he told Sebastian that if he goes through with it and spends a month with their father this summer, that when he gets home, he will no longer have a brother in him, that he will disown Sebastian, he will be dead to Mark.
Since coming home, this has been a constant source of stress for me, for all of us, it's ripping my family apart.
There has been hours and hours of yelling and screaming, crying, begging, pleading, more yelling and crying, and silent treatments too.
We went to the grocery store late this afternoon, and something set them off in the store, something was said, I missed it, but it started them at each others throats again.
No matter how many times I told them to stop it, to stop bickering about it, save it till we get back home, they kept at each other with snarky little comments back and forth through the entire store and the whole walk home.
When we got home, they gave each other the silent treatment for about 3 and a half hours.
Every single day since getting back from Maine, there has been some sort of argument between them over this.
I am at a total loss of what to do about all of this.
I have tried talking to them about it, but they are both dead set on their side of this issue.
I have my own very valid concerns about Sebastian going, things which I have discussed with him, told him to be very aware of if he does go, but other than telling him my concerns if he does go, there's not much that I can do because he told me that if I love him, if I really loved him as much as I say that I do, I'll let him go.
I love him far more than he will ever know, but I know that if I put my foot down and say no, that he will be angry at me and resent me for a very long time.
I don't want that, my heart couldn't take it if he ended up resenting or hating me because I don't want him to go spend a month with their father, but all I am trying to do is to protect him.
I can't give you the details on why I want to protect him so much, but there are very real, very valid reasons why I am trying to protect him.
I really am at a total loss of what to do here, if I let him go and he goes, Mark will disown him as his brother and things will never be the same or ok between them ever again.
If I don't let him go, he will end up hating and resenting me.
In the meantime, my sons are at each others throats, this is really ripping our little family apart and I don't know what to do.
Comments
I found your blog while searching on an unrelated matter, but the subject was compelling. I'm not a counselor or a therapist, but I can honestly say that if I was in your situation, I would consider calling in some outside help in the form of any professional family counselor or adviser including a clerical worker or someone from a community/family/social health program (assuming you have one somewhere near you). With that being said, you are all fighting because you are all hurt. Your youngest son wants to have a father that he can like and maybe even love and he's probably excited to think he might have found that possibility in his birth father. That he has the inability to remember the past nor feel as deeply hurt by his father's neglect is not a betrayal of loyalty. It's the luxury of his younger age and being sheltered from pain by those who do love him. This idea visiting his dad is an entirely normal desire to recreate what he lost. Unfortunately, it's entirely possible that if he continues to believe that he is going to stay with his father so that he can form a 'valid' picture of his father, he is likely going to find himself gravely disappointed, or in a far worse situation than he anticipates. He's likely not mature enough at this moment to understand the risks this poses.
Your older son has clearly never been able to recover from the pain his father brought into his life. While I'd advocate healing, I don't personally think that forgiveness is a requirement or even possible unless and until he feels he has recovered from the suffering and loss that he experienced. That is a difficult thing to bear, particularly when there is a lack of any restitution. However, if he makes his brother responsible for sharing that pain with him, he will also make his brother the scape goat for the anger and resentment he holds against his father.
This situation is not fair to either son, and impossible for you. If you can take yourself out of the equation and get someone else to step in and help negotiate discussion and come up with some alternative solutions, you might be able to bring some peace back into your home. This does not mean you are going to be able to make both or either son happy, but making them happy is not as important as helping them make healthy choices that work for them as individuals and as members of a family.
PS - as long as your son can use the "if you loved me you'd let me" line and get you to feel like that is a legitimate argument, he has your number. Guilt. Do not entertain that for a moment.
Sending out a prayer that your family will get through this soon and well.
Stay strong for each other.
Posted by: Lara | April 16, 2010 2:59 AM
I hate to just post "what she said" but Lara is right on all counts. It's not Sebastian's fault that he wants to have a father, and Mark (understandable as it is) shouldn't be focusing his rage against his father through Sebastian. They're brothers, and they need to remember that truth no matter what each of them does.
There's also a little bit of fear here that Sebastian might actually be happy with his father and his step-family. After all that's happened, is that fair? No! But I think the fact that it could happen pisses Mark and you off (and rightly so). However, that's not Sebastian's fault. Why punish him for it?
Please, find a way to get some family counseling. You guys are too awesome to let some jerk from the past rip you apart. Love you, Kat.
Posted by: Solonor | April 16, 2010 7:23 AM
My heart is breaking for you.
Great Gram wanted "peace". Instead, she spawned bitter conflict and so much emotional pain. Sebastian is curious; Mark has so many bad memories and well justified fears.
I'm not sure love means letting kids (of any age) do what they want with our approval and blessing. Mark is so hurting right now. Every expression of anger ...snarky comments and all the rest ... is really Mark sobbing with the pain of reliving terrible memories and horrific fear. Sebastian so innocently wants to get to know someone guaranteed to inflict more hurt. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.
No one should make the rules in your life but YOU. And only YOU can make this choice.
But, it seems that, if Sebastian satisfies his curiosity, it will be at the expense of his relationship with his brother and at his own physical and emotional peril. And no one knows that better than you ...
You and your sons are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Dr. Leah @Singlemommyhood | April 16, 2010 8:01 AM
Oh, Kat, I'm sending you a big hug. Please know that you are an amazing, present, loving mother. Clearly, your sons feel safe enough to express their feelings. As Lara says, there seems to be a lot of pain all around.
I also wonder if you might get some support right now.
Someone is waiting to say "yes" to be there for you and your boys. Please keep us in touch. (Of course, this also makes me think SO much about my own child's future with her absent father-- there are many parallels.) I'm sending you all much strength, too.
Posted by: Single Mom Seeking | April 16, 2010 12:21 PM
How far does their dad live from your parents? If something would go wrong, could they go get him?
Mark can't make decisions for Sebastian nor can you allow him too. You also can't stay mad forever. I wonder if this is a way for Mark to control a situation due to his back problems (that he has no contro over). Sebastian has to see for himself what their dad is like and unfortunately has to, most likely, be disappointed.
Posted by: Lisa | April 16, 2010 12:58 PM
What a crappy situation to be dealing with. I feel for you & your boys.
In our situation, I've been raising three stepkids since they were babies, along with my three older kids with my ex, and my new hubby & I have a child together. My stepkids Mom spilt for three years, and they had zero contact with her, by her choice.
When she came back into the picture they were very angry at her. They've been trying to re-build a relationship with her, and it's been challenging.
It's hard to know what to do.
For one thing, the younger son has a right to his own feelings about wanting to see his Dad. The older one has a right to his feelings as well. They both need to respect one another's differing viewpoints.
My thoughts are the younger one will see Dad for how he truly is on his own. And that realization will hurt him deeply, so I'd handle it gently and lovingly, but keep him safe in whatever ways you can.
When kids grow up they see their parents for who they really are, over all of the words they grew up hearing (I love you so much, etc). Kids figure it out when they're ready to accept it.
Very difficult situation to be in as a Mother, and a child. Hugs.
Posted by: Lisa | April 16, 2010 1:26 PM
I have no words but I am sending you strength and faith to get through this.
Big hugs.
Posted by: T | April 16, 2010 2:42 PM
Oh wow. I wish I had some answers, or even suggestions. Everyone else seems to have some sound advice, though, if ti's doable.
It makes me so mad at their dad for even suggesting a visit when he can't even pay child support.
In all likelihood, he'll end up having to call it off around time for the visit due to not being able to afford to send him up there.
I feel that if he had changed, HE would have initiated contact with HIS children and not waited on Gram to have to make this her dying wish.
I know if I had abandoned and hurt my children, and *I* had changed, I would be doing everything I could to re-establish a healthy relationship with them on their terms. It doesn't sound like he's done this at all.
Posted by: This Belle Rocks | April 16, 2010 6:23 PM
Well, since he never really has "came thru" before for them I say just sit back and relax. See if when the time comes that daddy dear comes up with the funds for the trip. Until then just wait.
Posted by: Kelli | April 16, 2010 7:12 PM
I'm so sorry this had to come from your trip home. I went thru this with my son when he was 12. True to form his "dad" never came thru with his end of the bargain and the weight of it all was removed from me! I wish you all luck... and peace.
Posted by: Gina | April 16, 2010 7:29 PM
oh, wow--i'm with the first commenter--i came across this blog entry randomly. but, oh geez--this would be my worst nightmare and something i think about often when it comes to my own son--who's father is basically out of the picture.
personally, i would allow sebastian to visit his father. it's time for him to see his life--and his place in it--and the authenticity of that. he has to figure out who his father is on his own terms. whether or not the man can successfully be a part of his life is obviously in question. but, in the end--the experience will allow sebastian to come to know himself on a deeper level--in a way that has nothing to do with you or with mark. simply because he will be allowed the journey. as much as we want to protect our children (and i know i would raise hell if my son's father wanted the same thing) i know deep down that we can't protect them from their own lives.
mark's life is not sebastian's life. it's unfair to keep them on the same path.
seek the counseling. hopefully a neutral third party could help.
in terms of the child support--my advice? don't confuse the financial/legal issue with the emotional one. but, since "dad" has "his life together" now and is taking interest--it might be time to get "dad" back in court. go after that support like a mean dog on a bone. if you're worried that sebastian might think "dad" is now DAD! then, taking "dad" back to court might be just the thing to keep reality in check...who knows.
Posted by: stephanie lynch | April 18, 2010 12:53 AM
Good advice, above, all of them. I can only add that in my experience on similar matters, I have MUCH less control over outcomes than I like to think I do. When I get out of the way and just allow things to unfold, there is always a more favorable outcome than when I try to manage people's emotions and behavior. And yes, I do understand how tricky that is, with kids--it's my hardest challenge to allow them to be who they are, and mine are exactly the ages of yours. But kids that age deserve the right to make their own mistakes (within the bounds of where they actually do need my protection e.g. potentially lethal mistakes) and I also find that any behavior changes have to start within the kids' own minds, or they spend mountains of energy resisting my input.
So, it sounds pretty Zen, I know, but not giving people anything to push back against really does work. Like water, there's not much that seems to need resisting, but it wears down solid rock over time.
I would just draw some lines such as, "I don't want to hear this arguing...it makes me feel crummy when you talk this way around me. Please take it outside." A lot of the arguing may be for the purpose of getting you to choose sides (even if they are not aware of that fact) and if you withdraw from the situation that may cool things down. Counterintuitive, but it works.
Great blog by the way and I always look forward to it.
Posted by: Susan | April 18, 2010 9:40 AM
OMG I can totally relate on some of the things you said. With regards to feeling resented for making a decision to not let your child see their father. I am battling that same thing with my daughter. Her father who wants to not be there for all the "actual" parenting. Physically, emotionally and financially for his daughter but wants to see he occasionally. She puts him on this higher level than everyone. She thinks he is so wonderful. Yet me and Tony who are there for her every day through all the crap feel so rejected. I tried to protect her too. Keep her heart from breaking with his inconsistancies and such and in turn I think she resents me. So I totally know how you feel. My heart breaks for you because it is such a tough situation. What your boys are experiencing and how Mark is feeling. I am sure he is angry but I see where Sebastian is coming from too. Coming from a split family myself I wanted to experience my mom for myself. See what she was all about. My dad and step mom never bad talked her. It wasn't until I was older did I really understand everything. Anyways, I really hope things all work out for you and the boys. You have been through so much. Hang in there!
Posted by: Leeanne | April 20, 2010 12:55 PM