His fears and worries.
Mark sent me an email around 4am this morning when he couldn't sleep.
I asked if I could post his email, he shrugged his shoulders, said yeah.
"Hey Mom, we don't talk much about things that bother us. It's just the way we are.
I'm worried about you and me.
For every passing day I get further scared of what is coming and what is not.
I am scared that even If I did college, even if I did find some sort of employment, and whatever else, it would be for nothing. The doctor refuses to respond to us and with my back in pain the way it is, it's a constant reminder of what my life is, and watching you, what my life forever will be.
I'm really sorry if this email upsets you, but I just wanted to get this off of my chest.
I love you Mom.
I love how much you are fighting for me.
I love that no matter how much pain you are in, you are fighting for me anyway, and then I worry about you and how much you're hurting.
This whole thing scares me Mom, all of it.
I just needed to tell you this.
I just needed to tell you that I love you and I'm so proud of you for all of it, for all that you do and try to do.
I so wish that I could make it easier for you, for me, for all of us, I hate seeing how hard you work at this, at fighting for me to get a doctor to help me, and they don't, and then I hear you cry, and I know that I can't do anything at all to help you.
I just need you to know that it matters to me, it matters so much Mom.
I don't always say thank you or I love you, but I do, I love you and I just wanted you to know that, to know I love you and thank you for all of it."
I think I cried for about an hour reading that this morning.
I went in Sebastian's room after he left for school, buried my head in his pillows, and just cried.
I wish I could fix Mark, I wish I could take it all away from him, his pain, his fear, his worries.
I wish so much that I could make it all better.
He thanks me?
He thanks me??
I'm the one who thanks him, I'm the one who has every ounce of pride the world over to have him as my son, he's far too awesome for me to even put into words.
Comments
We should all be so lucky to have a kid like him. Congrats on raising a such a wonderful young man!
Posted by: Dena | May 1, 2010 8:38 PM
ok tears tears and more tears. you have such a wonderful son and you are such a wonderful mother!!
hug hun
Posted by: beth | May 2, 2010 10:13 PM
You can be very proud of your son and the wonderful job you've done raising him. He's going to be just fine.
Posted by: Chris | May 3, 2010 8:40 AM
You raised a fine man, Kat and you definitely have reason to be proud of him.
Posted by: Dyane | May 3, 2010 8:05 PM
I actually cried reading that! You are a wonderful person, a wonderful mom. You deserve happiness and a pain free life and so do your kids. Sometimes I feel I go through some of the same struggles. Not with medical problems but I was a single mom for a while, thinking I was making the right choices for my daughter. I feel she resents me but I DO HOPE one day she will THANK ME! Just like Mark has thanked you. I really do hope for happiness for you and your family. I wish all the pain, both medical and emotional just disappear. YOU DESERVE IT! Mark is a great kid!
Posted by: Leeanne | May 4, 2010 4:03 PM