My Single Mom Life

It has been raining off and on all week long, and when it rains, I am a totally useless lump of flesh on the couch.
I haven't been able to do much of anything at all, I've been in far too much pain to do anything, and I have been sick on top of it, so yeah, just miserable.
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On Tuesday morning, I received a text message from Moe, the guy who owns the corner store, a really great guy, who was letting me know that Rachel, the girl who worked there and was a friend to me, had killed herself sometime around 2am Tuesday morning.
She left her purse, cell phone, all of her things at the store around midnight, said that she was going home, but something snapped I guess, and she ended up hanging herself in the little wooded area right behind the corner store.
I've walked up to the corner store and back a few times now, and there is now a cross, flowers, and 4 large candles placed there for her.
This afternoon when I was on my way to the pharmacy and grocery store, I stopped and lit all 4 of the candles for her. The rain had put them all out.
I said a few words for her as I lit them, I said that I hoped that she finally was at peace now, that whatever it was that drove her to that, hopefully, she was at peace now. I also said that if I had known she was thinking of doing that, that I would have gladly talked to her, that I would have been a friend to listen, and a shoulder to cry on, that I would have tried to help her.

I know all too well that feeling of hopelessness, of feeling like there's no way out of the current and horrible situation that drives you to think of suicide, and that if she had only talked to someone, maybe it didn't have to end that way.
I know that's what happened for me.
In 2001 when I had to stop working, when I got the wicked bad news about my back, I felt so lost and hopeless, like a total failure as a mother, I couldn't work anymore, how was I going to provide for my boys, what was I going to do, how the hell was I going to get out of this super mess?!?
My landlord, of all people, just happened to knock on my door on one of the days that I was crying uncontrollably and thinking of ending it all, he asked what was wrong, and it all just came spilling out of me like a flood.
He came in to my home and talked to me for hours, he gave me so many reasons to not kill myself, he saved my life that day, and I have never thought of suicide again, and the very few times that it has slipped back into my head, the words he said to me that morning come back.
If only someone had been there for Rachel, if only someone had asked her what was wrong, maybe it wouldn't have ended this way.
If I had known she was thinking of suicide, if I had only known that she was feeling so lost and hopeless, I know that I would have talked to her, I would have repeated the same words my landlord said to me, maybe it would have made a difference, maybe it would have helped, or maybe it wouldn't have, there's really no way to know now.
All I can do now is hope that she's finally at peace, that whatever it was that brought her to hang herself, was finally over for her.
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In other news, Sebastian started school again on Monday, they didn't have him registered for any classes yet, none, so he had to sit and wait for almost 3 hours while they figured out why he didn't get signed up for any of the classes he had registered for, then register him for them again, and print his schedule.
Ugh.
Then on Wednesday, the teens had to go and give their depositions in the "iced tea mugging", so he missed a day of school for that and the vice principal is demanding he bring in proof that he was doing depositions, she wants the actual subpoena, not a copy, and uh, sorry, he needs those for the courts, so she's getting a photocopy of it, like it, lump it, or suck it.
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This morning started out really good.
The sun finally poked back out, and I got an email from Lori at A Cowboy's Wife, letting me know that I had won the giveaway she had on her blog for an awesome pair of Langston's cowboy boots!
I have been given the promo code to go to the site and pick out my pair and order them, yay!
These are the ones that I really like, so I'm pretty sure that they are the ones that I'm going to get.
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The sun came out, I won a great giveaway, and I got paid a day early so I was able to go and pick up my meds, pay a bill to keep the lights on, and get some groceries for the house.
Hopefully things just keep getting better from here on out!