My Single Mom Life

I have insomnia again, surprise, surprise!
I rarely if ever sleep anymore, and on the very rare nights that I do manage to fall asleep, it's usually very, very late, like around 4:30am-5:30am, and by then, Carmine the indoor-outdoor stray we've adopted, starts to literally smack me in the face with his paw, and then start meowing very loudly directly into my face for me to get up, because that's when he wants to go out.
Now.
I try to ignore it as long as I can, but I can't, so I get up, let him out, pee, and then I'm wide awake again.
Tonight is one of those nights where I can't sleep, so if he wants out tonight, at least he won't have to paw my face off to go out, one meow should do just fine.

Having chronic insomnia makes you feel odd, out of place, not right with the world in any way at all.
It is actually extremely depressing.
When you don't get hardly any sleep for days and days on end, when the depression from not sleeping starts to creep in, the thoughts also start to creep in.
One of the things Mark and I talked about was suicide.
We talked about Rachel, and we talked about how I'm too much of a coward to do it to myself.
And it's true, I am a coward.
He did ask me though, that if I were ever going to do it, why would I do it, would be it because of the never-ending pain, the never-ending medications, just what would it say on the note if I did do it and left a note.
It didn't take me very long to think about it at all, I know what my note would say.
It would say exactly the following:

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try or have tried, no matter what good I do or good I have done, it will NEVER be enough for people. It will just never, ever be enough. They will always find faults with me, look right past all of the kindness and good that I do and have done, they will always point of my faults in detail, they will never let them go, they will never see me as anyone but a screw-up. I could win the Powerball lottery, like $300 million, I could give every single one of my family members $10 million each, I could donate millions to charity, I could do so many good deeds with it, and someone somewhere, WILL say that I am not being genuinely generous, that I am simply doing it to make people think that I'm a good person, that I'm just trying to buy love and respect, but you can bet your ass they would all still keep the money, keep it to "teach me a lesson."

I'm not looking for any pity here, or fishing for any damn compliments, I just learned some very hard and painful facts today and I am reeling from it, hurt, angered, upset, I feel betrayed, unloved, just so so hurt, and because of it all, because of this and these feelings, I don't want to take my income taxes this coming year and fly home to be with people who lie to my face and then stab me in the back the second I turn.
It's so hard to love someone so very much and to just lose them with no explanation at all.
It's so painful.
I want to take my money and take my sons someplace else, someplace for just the three of us, no stress, no mess, just far away from the people and places that love me to my face and hurt me behind my back.
I don't want to be around people who lie to me anymore, I don't want to be around people who think doing that to another person is OK to do.

I'm sorry, I really am just having such a super hard time tonight, the pain that I am feeling is burning me to my core, I haven't stopped crying in several hours now, so I apologize for being such a downer this evening.
I really do because I love all of you, my faithful readers who have been with me for years, read and listen to me, relate to me, and without this blog and all of you, I can't say that I would have made it this long, so thank you, all of you, for being with me on this roller coaster that is my life.
___________________________________

You know what I want?
Afterr wasting many hours browsing the internet tonight, I found that I want one of those unlocked phones so I can go with any company, and I'd probably stick with my same company, but I'm like dying to try to get and have one of those "crackberry" phones that everyone talks about.
People brag about how it's like the absolute best phone ever, it's addictive, and I suppose that's why they have nicknamed it the "crackberry".
I do love my current phone, it works awesome, but someday I would really like to have one of the latest and greatest cell phones like everyone else has just so that I can say yeah, I have a crackberry too.
You gotta be somebody just like everybody else.