September 02, 2004
Take me down from the pedestal you have placed me on.
I'm not as strong as you've made me out to be.
Just because I do what has to be done, it doesn't make me a super hero.
Stop looking to me to make you feel better.
Trying to help you makes me feel worse.
Just because I use common sense, it doesn't make me a know it all.
Stop looking to me to calm your fears.
I have nightmares of my own.
Don't ask my permission if you hate being told what to do.
Stop assuming I'm mad at you.
That just makes me mad at you.
I'm mad at a lot of things that have absolutely nothing to do with you.
You think this is easy for me to go everywhere and be everything and do everything that needs to be done.
You have no idea what this is like.
Please start thinking for yourself and taking care of your own things.
I can't fix anything for you.
I can't fix myself.
I am not in a good place.
How can I get through to you.
How can I make you see that the weight of your dependency on me is making me sink.
Things are taking a toll on me.
Your fears.
Your concerns.
Your needs.
You don't understand that my life is on hold and this infernal machine is all I fucking have that links me to the outside world.
I would love to go out and walk around and go places and do things and have fun and be the everything you need from me.
I can't.
I am sinking.
I can't pick you up when you are down.
I am weak.
I can't comfort you when you are afraid.
I am terrified.
You are sick of hearing and maybe even caring about what is going on with me and my health.
You will never know what it is like to feel the fear of losing the ability to walk.
You will never know the terror that went through me when my leg went numb.
I can't fix anything for you.
I am not the rock you think I am.
I am breaking down and you need lifting up and I can't do that for you.
I need you to pick yourself up.
I need you to do the things that need to be done without asking me.
I need you to be honest with me about how you are feeling.
I can't do anything at all if I am lied to or kept in the dark.
I need you to be rational and calm and take care of the things that need to be done for yourself.
I need you to be your own super hero.
September 01, 2004
I knew it.
(this does click for bigger)
I just knew that after everyone else got better, I would catch that cold.
I'm stuffy, throat scratchy and headachey.
And I'm tired damnit.
Ugh.
August 18, 2004
Woops.
I think I'm going to cut those new pills in half.
Yeah that's what I'm gonna do.
See, it does me no good to be pain free if I'm passed the fuck out all day.
I need to be able to accomplish at least dishes dammit.
I took my meds on schedule this morning and then proceeded to pass out until 12:50.
That's not good.
August 08, 2004
I was fine this morning.
Really.
Then my throat started hurting and I felt fevery.
So I'm sick all of a sudden.
Could be the rain/sun repeat that has been non-stop for days now.
*wah* my throat hurts.
July 17, 2004
I love this stuff.
Maxiumum Strength Flexall 454 Pain Relieving Gel is all mentholy and tingly.
The best way to use it is to take a shower, apply generously and then go outside where it's really hot and then it hits. It's like fire but cold fire and it just burns and tingles and then cools down and makes you feel really good.
Ahhh.
Downside, it wears off too quick.
June 22, 2004
The kids really suck at helping me keep a food plan.
When we went to the store yesterday, they had these HUGE sticky buns on sale. I stopped. I drooled. *mmm sticky buns* I walked on by.
The boys kept going but mom, they look good.
No.
But mom, they have icing.
No.
But mom, we want them.
So I caved and bought them.
I just had a half of one.
Oh my gawd, I feel like I'm gonna blow up now.
I have been drastically cutting carbs and these are just carb/sugar waist destroyers disguised as something you'd want to eat.
I swear, within 5 minutes of eating half, my stomach felt bloated and tight and icky.
Damn kids.
*I know I didn't have to eat one but it was calling to me. Sugar is a weakness man.
June 09, 2004
Okey dokey pokey.
The docs went well but there are more tests he is sending me for.
Lots of blood tests and a thyroid test.
I have to get a complete metabolic panel, a lipid panel, and HCG, serum and QUAL and a TSH w/ reflex T-4 FREE.
Don't ask what they all are, I don't know. I only know the lipid is the cholesterol one.
And I have to fast before I go. So I'm going Friday morning so I will start fasting about mid-day tomorrow.
Does fasting mean nothing to drink to?
God I hope not.
There was a Publix at the shopping center where my doc is located. It's like a huge office park/shopping center so we went in to Publix and they had Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal for .99 cents per box. The big huge boxes.
I don't know why, don't care.
.99 cents for cereal is a major bargain but I only grabbed two cuz I'm not a huge fan of it with milk. I like it dry better.
Anyways, I'm tired and hot and sweaty now.
Later days.
June 02, 2004
I was getting ready to hop in the shower.
It was getting near time for me to start getting ready for the docs office for my appointment at 1pm when the phone rang.
"Dr. P. is out of the office due to an emergency and we are rescheduling all of todays patients. Is that ok?" said his sweet little nurse/secretary person.
I said of course because it's so hot out there today, I don't mind at all.
The real reason I didn't mind is because I was going to have to shave my legs and areas.
I am usually really good about using Nair or something similar the day before a docs office but I was resting for the last few days, taking it easy, forgot to defoliate my hair.
This gives me until next Wednesday at 1:45pm to get my hair smoothly, not stubbly with nicks, removed.
Not the that the doctor really cares if my legs are shaved or not but it just makes me feel slightly better to know that it's smooth.
I always wonder if the staff ever gets together at the end of the day at some local bar and discusses the most disgusting patient of the day like we used to do in retail but only the worst customer of the day ya know?
Nurse Sue: You should have seen Mrs. Klein today or should I say smelled her.
Nurse Lisa: Eww!...*laugh snort* Ms. Cooper was here today and she hadn't shaved anything in what looks like months. Poor thing with that bad back, she should just go to a waxer or something. Hell she's already in pain, what a little more?...*laugh snort* followed by more laughter from the other nurses and a few surrounding tables.
June 01, 2004
"limiting a woman's right to choose was an unconstitutional infringement"
U.S. judge blocks partial-birth abortion ban.
Yes!
But of course Bush is going to continue devoting money and resources into fighting what he calls an "abhorrent practice."
Of course it's abhorrent to him. He has never been raped and forced to carry that child. He will never have to go full term knowing that giving birth could kill you because the child has a horrible disease that causes the babys head to swell to enormous proportions.
He says and I quote, that he wants to "build a culture of life in America.”’
It's cuz we're women and we don't know what's best for our own bodies and our doctors don't either right George?
We're not smart enough or worthy enough are we Georgey?
We're gonna keep fighting you because these are our bodies, not yours.
My life, my body, my choice.
May 27, 2004
Did you miss me?
What a friking day.
I left at 7:30 and just got back.
When I got there, my normally excellent blood pressure was 137/102.
So they hooked me up to the EKG machine because everything was up and above normal. Said I might have had a heart attack.
They drew about 6 vials of blood, took an xray of my chest, a soft tissue xray of my throat and poked and prodded me, shot me with Benadryl too.
I have a tattoo of an eye on my left chest area.
The guy who came in to hook me up to all the heart monitors was a bit surprised and then started asking questions about my tats and piercings all the while my left tit is hanging out. He thought nothing of it.
I'm all dude, why are we doing this test. My heart is good.
No it's not girl, look at that bp.
He stuck a gazillion of those little monitor stickers on me, chest, stomach and legs. I had wires everywhere.
The doctor did not do a throat culture but said all my tests look good including the heart.
He then felt around my neck and said that it feels like there are nerves pinched in the neck and shoulders probably from the scoliosis.
He gave me a script for xanax to relax me and hopefully those nerves.
He said the pinched nerves are probably the reason for the tight feeling in my vocal cords.
Told me to call him or just come see him at the ER again this weekend if it doesn't change or gets worse.
Told me to have my regular doc set me up an appointment with an ENT (ear, nose and throat guy) ASAP just to make sure that there is nothing else wrong that their tests didn't pick up.
I was in there from 8 am until 1pm and then had to go get my script.
I had to walk back from the pharmacy in that ungodly heat and now I am tired and hungry.
I see my regular doc on tuesday for all my other test results and now to get an appointment with an ENT.
I'm gonna go rest now and watch LOTR ROTK thanks to the lovely Rah.
Later days.
May 26, 2004
I think I have tonsillitis.
My throat is swollen again and it hurts pretty bad and I tried to look down there but can't see anything cuz my tongue is kinda swollen too.
Crap.
May 24, 2004
It looks like that is what I thought it was.
I have to go back on the 2nd for all my results. We did the works baby...lol
Nothing like being poked, prodded, blood drawn, pee tested, stirrup-ed, q-tipped, squished, and felt up all in one visit.
Next time you go in for a check up, request the works. You won't be sorry. tee hee.
That shit just cracks me up, sorry if I offend anyone but man oh man, could they possibly make some of those tests more uncomfortable? And! He doesn't even have the decency to put a poster on the ceiling. Make me count all the fucking dots and then I lost count when he got out that giant q-tip and had to start over.
He said we may have to do HRT or something because I am so young. He said I have options and once all my tests come back, we can go over them.
Yippee!!
I expected this but I guess I just wasn't really prepared to hear it.
Oh well.
Later days.
May 20, 2004
Ok so I can't turn my head.
It's pretty much locked up after a rough night of sleeping.
Today will be rest it day unless something interesting happens.
Forgive me for the lack of visits to your blogs but I have all I can do right now to sit here and post and answer emails. My neck is just fried.
Later days.
May 07, 2004
If it's not one thing.
I made an appointment to see the doc on the 24th. That's the earliest I can get in. That's ok. I just won't watch any chick flicks because I am an emotional wreck.
Fucking hormones.
And then, then, Sebastians cat Christine was massively freaked out by something and came tearing through the kitchen and ripped my foot.
Little bitch is starting to get on my last nerve.
I can fuck up my own feet damnit.
I have broken almost all my toes in one way or another and have broken my left ankle and sprained my right more times than I can count.
Now I have this huge gash.
Lovely.
Click for bigger blood
April 24, 2004
My right contact lens just popped out.
This made me have to go clean it and put it back in.
It's kind of a good thing that happened.
I haven't taken these ones out or cleaned them in months and it was starting to twitch.
I am such a thrifty person that I can make one month contact lenses last anywhere from 3-4 months each thus saving me at least $200 a year.
Ha!
All eye professionals please understand, it's not that I don't like you, it's that I cannot afford to see you but once a year.
April 22, 2004
I was going to blame a man for the whole tweezing of the brow thing.
But I discovered that it was the Egyptian women who first started this whole crap with some sort of powder. I also found out that some women in 18th century England, who had thin brows, glued mouse hides to their faces.
Mouse hides. WTF?
I hate tweezing my brows but if I don't do it, well, let's just say they take on a life of their own.
I just felt like sharing a partial history of brow stuff with you.
It's really too bad I didn't record the small squeaks of pain that no matter how hard I tried to hold back, kept coming out of my mouth.
April 21, 2004
VBBD.
Yeah, I'm having one of those very bad back days again.
I hate to whine about it but fuck it.
The surgeon in Tampa is a dickhead.
He still won't listen to me.
He thinks the vioxx is going to make this all better.
I had my PT and what does he do? Sends me more vioxx.
How loud do I need to yell 'IT'S NOT FUCKING WORKING YOU ASSHOLE!!!!' before he decides to listen to me.
I have been taking it since November and it does absolutely nothing at all for pain, inflammation or anything.
It does make me bloated and dry out my skin though.
Yay for side effects.
I am having Healthease search for a new surgeon because this guy just doesn't listen and he still has nothing to say to me about all the nerve damage or the cyst.
I ask him and he doesn't respond to me.
I'm cranky today.
Can ya tell?
Sorry but this fucking hurts and he is a dick and I want this to just go the fuck away and be able to move and walk without so much fucking pain and I'm tired of taking pills day after day and all the shit that goes along with this.
April 14, 2004
The boys finished their workout for tonight.
And are now riding their bikes around the neighborhood.
Sebastian is helping Mark by doing everything with him.
Other than this, not much else going on.
Later.
April 13, 2004
Oh yeah.
Everything went fine at the docs but same rules apply.
No work. No lifting, no seated work etc tec etc. Stay on current meds and find a new surgeon ASAP if this one isn't treating me properly.
April 08, 2004
Ick.
Still sick.
Have an appointment with the doc on Monday, that was the best they could do.
By then, I'll feel better.
I'm not up to sitting here long.
I have a migraine that just isn't budging.
Be around at some point when I can get rid of it.
Been stopping in but not commenting.
Bad blogger friend.
Later days.
April 07, 2004
Sick.
Fever, massive migraine, earache, sore throat.
I'm alive, just not feeling very well.
Later days.
April 06, 2004
Tv causes ADD.
MSNBC - Watching TV may hurt toddlers' attention spans.
Bah.
The results of their own study are inconclusive yet they go on the news and tell you it's your fault your kid has ADD because you let them watch tv when they were toddlers.
Yes, let's blame this on Bert and Ernie and Big Bird because that is what kids at that age are watching.
"The researchers lacked data on whether the youngsters were diagnosed with attention deficit disorders but the number of children whose parents rated them as having attention problems — 10 percent — is similar to the prevalence in the general population, Christakis said."
This quote floored me too.
"The researchers considered factors other than TV that might have made some children prone to attention problems, including their home environment and mothers’ mental states."
Mothers mental states.
Oh man.
Blame the moms and Sesame Street and then be completely inconclusive about it and publish these lacking results on the national news.
Way to go.
Panicked moms everywhere thinking they did this to their kids. Fathers blaming the moms for being "mental".
Good grief.
April 02, 2004
Today is the day of arguments.
I just got done reaming out Mark for being a jerk.
He only played with Travis all day because Travis has cool games.
But when Travis was in my house the other day, Mark humiliated and embarrassed him because his sneakers made his feet stink.
He was good enough to play with for the games but he smells.
He doesn't like Travis for being Travis, he likes Travis for the games.
Mark is now the proud owner of a new asshole.
It fits with an ongoing argument that I am involved in somewhere else and I am not linking to it because it just keeps going round and round and twisting words and all kinds of crap and she is only one person trying to defend her un-acceptance of people against I don't know even know how many have shown up now.
I will say this.
I was fat. Super fat.
When I moved here in 97', I was a porker. Oink.
It was my own doing.
I ate and ate and stuffed the feelings and shoveled it in.
I lost all that weight. It took hard work and eating better to do it.
I have gained some weight back since my whole back problem began and I am trying to take some of it back off because I have to for surgery.
When I see a heavy person, I don't laugh, snicker, sneer or think they are lazy or gluttonous.
I have been there. Who the hell am I to judge after being a weeble myself?
Yeah, I said weeble.
I wobbled when I walked like a weeble wobble. My thighs rubbed together and sometimes just stayed mushed together.
I had multiple rolls.
Belly button? Uh, it was in there somewhere.
Was I happy? No.
Did I tell myself I was happy? Sure did.
Did I hate all the magazines of thin women and skinny bitches? Yeah, with a passion.
But I hated myself more. I could barely breathe half the time. I had trouble walking up stairs or lifting things. Everything I did made me sweat.
I lost the weight because I wanted to. Because I saw myself becoming very unhealthy and all that.
I'm still not razor thin. I will never be razor thin like a model or an actress.
I don't want to be super thin.
I needed to do this for me.
It's not about fat being gross or even that all fat people should lose weight. It's a personal choice to lose weight or a medical one to save your life.
But don't lie to me and tell me that being fat is healthy.
It isn't.
I know it isn't because I was fat and couldn't walk or breathe.
March 26, 2004
I am feeling a little more alive.
It is amazing what pepto and a long nap will do for you.
I don't want to eat anything but at least my stomach isn't dancing the jig anymore. *knock on wood*
I feel weak and stuff.
Thanks for all the thoughts and well wishes.
I'm sure I'll be fine.
Just need to keep resting and drinking fluids and stuff.
I am just so bored I can't even tell you.
The kids are officially on spring break and they are driving me nuts already.
If I felt better, I'd set them to work on stuff around the house to do for spring cleaning.
March 26, 2004
Posting will be pretty much non-existant.
I am sick.
I think I caught some sort of virus from some person on the bus.
I have been up all night sick sick sick.
I know it must have been from the bus because everything I ate, was at home and it was the same thing the kids ate and they are not sick.
I wanna die now.
March 24, 2004
I have had a screaming migraine
all afternoon.
I had a normal headache this morning and now it is a full blown migraine.
Grr.
Someone shoot me and put me out of my misery.
March 18, 2004
VBBD.
That stands for very bad back day for those of you just tuning in.
I woke up stiff as a board and in excruciating pain so I laid on the couch until the kids left.
Then I took a muscle relaxer and went back to bed.
It has helped but not tons.
It is still throbbing and 'hot'.
I hate that.
It is so inflamed and I didn't do anything.
I think it's the weather to be honest.
It is getting very hot here during the day and then at night, like last night, it dropped down to the low 50's.
All my windows are open including the one above my bed.
Who knows really.
I'm just guessing.
I am going to take it as easy as possible today.
If you sent an email, I will try to get back to you.
Later days.
Filed under health.
March 12, 2004
Ok, don't yell at me.
I did over do it today.
I shopped alone and that was a mistake.
But the cats were starving and I couldn't wait for the boys to get home.
I lifted the groceries out of the cab and into the house alone.
I strained it a little I think.
I am paying for it now.
Heating pad here I come for the night.
I will answer emails if I get back up or in the morning so don't think I'm ignoring you.
Filed under health.
March 09, 2004
I hate drinking water.
I have been drinking a lot of water lately and I have rediscovered why I hate water so much.
It makes me feel 'hollow'.
Do you know what I mean?
My body feels empty and light and normally, if I were trying to lose a ton of weight and I enjoyed feeling like that, I wouldn't care.
Once upon a time, I thrived on feeling empty.
The more hollow I felt, the more weight I lost and the more I wanted to feel hollow.
I don't like it now.
I hate this feeling.
It makes me feel out of sync.
I get a lot of shit for drinking diet soda.
The aspartame apparently, it's really bad for you.
Does all kinds of things like making you crave more carbs and more sugars and shit.
One thing it does not do is make me feel hollow.
It also helps with my migraines.
I don't get migraines when I have soda.
I hate feeling this way.
Filed under health.
March 04, 2004
My body clock is broken.
I went to bed immediately after Kingdom Hospital and here it is, almost 4 am and I am still wide awake.
I did not sleep yesterday.
I was in more or less a state of limbo all day.
Not awake but not asleep.
I hate it when my body does this.
I get like this I have noticed a at least once every 2-3 months and stay screwed up for a about a week.
Grr.
Filed under health.
March 02, 2004
Just gave myself a jump start.
I had washed my little foreman grill earlier and then I just plugged it in because I am making the kids burgers for dinner and gave myself one hell of an electrocution.
Ouch.
My right arm is a bit shaky now.
My hair stood on end.
The kids are all like yo, mom, what is happening?
The lights flickered.
That was fun.
But I don't want to do it again.
This is the second time I have shocked myself in my lifetime.
The first time was like 1996 when I tried to 'save' the air conditioner from falling out a window on the second floor.
I grabbed the cord.
It was plugged in.
I got myself so bad that time, I had burn marks on my chest and arms from where the juice went in my right arm, across my chest and out my left finger tips.
The air conditioner fell and went boom.
Ok.
Back to making dinner now.
Filed under health.
February 23, 2004
I barfed and I don't know why.
I feel fine now.
I was talking on the phone to Heidi when all of a sudden, chills, sweats, sick to my stomach, then barfo rama.
I felt shitty for like 20 minutes afterward but feel just great now.
Weird.
I ate the same food the kids did and they didn't get sick.
I hate it when that happens.
I have such a screwed up stomach because of my ulcer and all the meds, that food that doesn't bother anyone else as in bad food, makes me oh so ill.
Oh well, at least it's over now.
Filed under health.
February 21, 2004
I got nothing.
I am having a very bad back day and may not be around much at all.
Enjoy your weekend.