August 16, 2004

People often say to me,

Kat, why are you such a cynical bitter bitch? Why do you hate people so much?
I'll tell you why.
I have been burned far too many times to give a shit anymore.
And it's so hard, conflicting for me if you will, because when I needed help, you all came through for me and kept me going until things were sorted out and I could do it on my own again. I am so grateful for that help, I still get teary when I think what would have happened had you all not been there for me.
I opened up my home yesterday to a young man, a total stranger to me, who had been kicked out of his home.
I offered my couch, my food, my phone, my help to find a place to live.
Heidi called to ask if I needed anything when she came home from work and I said a newspaper so we could see the full classified section. The one online only prints about 50 out of the full listings of places to rent and I had already gone through those and printed out ones that were #1 affordable, and #2, in semi-decent neighborhoods. I didn't want this nice kid moving to the ghetto.
I made tons of phone calls while he was at work. I gave him lists and numbers when he got here, offered my food, my shower, which he took me up on by the way, talked about a game plan, talked rent prices, talked about how tough this is to go through but here's what I had done to help him out.
He had his 18 year old girlfriend with him and she insisted that they go get something to eat.
Fine, cool. I figured they would go to the store and get sandwich stuff ya know? Try to save money being homeless and all.
As Heidi was walking home from work at 8pm, she saw them and said hello and asked where they were going.
Applebees.
Um. Aren't you homeless? Aren't you with no place to live and should be trying to save every fricking penny you have so that when you find a place by the friday deadline I gave you, you can afford to move in there?
So we sat and waited for the kid who I had not given a key to, to come back.
10pm.
11pm.
12 midnight at which point I put all his stuff outside with a note that read:
This is not how you treat people who were trying to help you. You don't go out to eat and then stay out all night spending money when you are homeless and should be saving it. You should have gone to the store and bought stuff for sandwiches instead of wasting money. I opened my home to you, a complete stranger to me, made phone calls, looked through want ads for an apartment for you and you stayed out all night. I am sorry, but this is not how you treat people. My family and I are tired of waiting and have gone to bed.
1am still not here and at that point, I really said fuck you and went to bed.
I got up at 7am and went outside where I placed his suitcase, his carry on bag and his publix bag with his toiletries in it, the note and the whole classifieds section.
Everything was gone but the classifieds.
He never even took them.
I am usually a good judge a character. I can usually spot an asshole a million miles away.
This one tricked me.
This one had no feelings at all for a stranger who took them in and offered help and shelter and food and hot showers. I wanted nothing from him. I wanted no money, nothing. I wanted to help.
I got burned and feel used and I wonder what time he finally did come back to find the door locked.
This isn't a fucking hotel and it isn't his families home. This was a stranger and he should have had some respect for that kindness.
I questioned whether I did the right thing by setting it all outside and locking the door but I find it completely careless and fancy free that he was out spending money on a big dinner when he was homeless.
Maybe I'm just a bitch but I don't fucking care right at the moment.
To make me wait all night before I could lock up my home was rude and inconsiderate and to waste money when he should have been saving every penny to find a new home by friday just chapped my ass.
I'm sure it will be a very hard lesson for him to learn, having no where to go at whatever time he showed up here in the middle of early morning hours. I'm sure that was a hard thing to face. But you don't treat people like that.
You don't treat them like a hotel when they were trying to help you find a place to go and live and shit.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fuck you.

July 26, 2004

I am Kats insanity.

I am very tired and very cranky.
I have more going on than I can or want to handle.
I am just feeling very overwhelmed with everything and everyones needs, wants and complaints.
I am doing the very best I can under the circumstances and it is very hard for me to understand things that people do, say, feel when I have been under far more pressure than anyone can even imagine.
I guess you could say that I have lost my ability to sympathize at this point.
My back is probably the worst that I have felt it in several months.
My mom sent me some patches and I suppose under normal circumstances, they would work but right now, I can't feel that they are doing anything at all.
I have over done things way more than I should have and I know I shouldn't over do things but as any mom can attest to, if you don't do it, who the fuck will?
You can ask until you are blue in the face, scream, yell, beg, plead, but it still doesn't get done and then people wonder why mommy is shooting daggers with her eyes.
I am not making any excuses for my bitching at all.
I am a bitch to begin with and most people know this. I just can't handle certain things at certain times and I snap like the last straw that hit the camels back.
I am not perfect. Far from it but I need people to work with me, get on the same train, think logically, not irrationally.
I don't talk to hear myself talk. I speak when I feel the need. I do not talk just for the sake of talking which I suppose is a major reason I was never a girly girl. I can't sit and gossip or talk non-sensibly for any length of time.
I am quiet and observant and speak when the mood or topic is called for.
One thing I hate more than anything in the world is when someone speaks to me as soon as I wake up or as soon as I come home from wherever.
I need that first 10 minutes of silence.
It's like the golden rule of household harmony.
If you think you might forget to tell me something, write it down and hand me the note.
So in closing of this ramble of thoughts, blogging life will resume when I remove the stick from my own ass.

April 14, 2004

Whas' up?

I woke up this morning with a killer migraine so after the boys left, I went back to sleep to try and kill it.
It's mostly gone now.
Mark and I had quite a long talk last night about a few things, his dad whom he now calls 'it'. The kid can't even call him dad. He read through those emails and was like how how can he keep blaming you when he is the one that starts this shit all the time. Yeah, he swore. I didn't get mad at him though because he's just a hurt kid who has an asshole for a father.
And don't tell me I should not let him read that stuff or hide it from them. I hid his behavior from them for years even going so far as to buy them gifts at xmas and stuff and sign 'love dad' on them. I stopped protecting him awhile ago.
I couldn't apologize enough.
I feel so guilty for bringing them into this world with him as their father and I know that they wouldn't be the same kids if it would have been a different man but damn, why did he have to such a breeding bastard.
He (ex) asked me in his last snotty email, how I can possibly know anything that goes on up there when I live down here.
I still have friends there, family, I know a lot of people and we stay in touch. News travels to me.
So I get to find things out without having to lift a finger.
This part of the post is brought to you by the letter 'S' and the number '6'.

April 01, 2004

Tibbar tibbar.

See, that's what it was.
I didn't say rabbit rabbit first thing this morning so my day just went to hell from there on out.
So goodnight and tibbar tibbar.

April 01, 2004

Heh.

Funny how when blogrolling is down, no one updates.
I do. I don't care.
It's not like I'm having that great of a day anyway.
I could care less if people leave comments today.
Everything I've written today is shit anyway.
I'm in such a foul mood.
I have stress.
Yes I do.
Not even going to go into it but it's been several hours and I still would like to call up FPL one more time and tell them off again.
My luck, they'd call the feds and tell them they think I'm some sort of terrorist and I want to blow them up.
Not true.
I don't want to blow them up.
I don't want to harm anyone.
I just want the computers to go all fucky and all the accounts to just be at zero so everyone has no bills with them this month and we can all crank the air and dance in our underwear and tell FPL to shove it up their asses!
Yes! Yes! Break, smash, destroy the account records!
Have a few "account specialists" quit from all the stress.
Bite me you fucking shitty company.
I hope you choke on your profits.