March 26, 2008
Postponed.
I got a call about an hour ago from the Maine AG.
The hearing is postponed, date unknown right now.
Not surprised.
His attorney asked for a new date.
She asked me for my 2007 taxes and some other stuff, so I got her email address and sent her everything she asked for, and probably a few things she didn't know about.
We talked about my income, I told her, adjusted gross on my taxes is especially pathetic, so she'll be able to see that when she opens the email.
It is what it is, can't really do much about it.
And that really bums me out.
I miss being able to work.
I miss it like you wouldn't believe.
If I was still able to work like I was before they told me to stop before I injured myself beyond medical repair, I wouldn't give two shits about the child support.
I lived and survived without it for many years because I could work.
I worked 12-16 hour days, I had money, I made good money, and then my back up and quit on me for good.
There are times, like now, when I get really depressed about it.
I'm not like crying all day and night depressed, but yeah, I am bummed out that I cannot support me and my kids the same way I used to.
It's not right, it's not fair, it fucking sucks, but there isn't anything I can do about it, and that makes it even worse.
It is completely out of my control.
100% complete disability, unable to perform gainful employment.
Those words that I fought for 5 years to hear, sting like molten steel sometimes.
I didn't want this, I just wanted my back to get fixed so I could keep working, but they kept saying no to the surgery, no to the surgeon who could do it.
It took fighting and phone calls, and attorneys, and letters, to get medical help, and then it was too late.
The damage was done, 100% complete disability, unable to perform gainful employment.
I busted my ass for years supporting my family on my own, busting my back to a state of disability, and for him to ask after all these years, to lower the child support, well, no, fuck you.
I don't care how many kids there are, that's not my problem.
My problem is the two I have here, the two I have taken care of day in and day out for the last 14 years on my own.
I'm tired of the excuses that there was no job, and all the other bullshit that has prevented my sons from getting a fair and decent amount of child support, I'm fucking over it.
I don't care that the business just started, needs time to grow, not my fucking problem.
I'm over the piddly amount that was court ordered 14 years ago. No one should have to deal with that amount all these years, and no, it's not me who ruined his relationship with his sons, it was him.
A slap to Sebastian's 2 year old face that left a bruise in the shape of a hand, and the very painful words said to a 9 year old Mark, "My band is more important than being a father right now".
You think those words and slap are forgotten?!
They aren't.
I fight for them.
I fight for them to have what they need and some of what they want.
I do everything in what little power I have left, to get for them.
To even ask to have to send less money to them, is just another slap in the face, it's just another string of painful words.
Keep postponing it, it doesn't matter.
Whenever it gets scheduled, I'll be available, and I'll keep fighting for them just like I have done for the last 14 years.
I may not be able to hold a job outside the home anymore, and the work I do now doesn't bring me much income, but I will keep doing everything I can so that they can have everything they need, so that they are happy, healthy, and grow up to know values, and morals, and ethics, and to keep fighting for what they want and what is right, and what they deserve.
I'll keep doing what I have to, even if more and more excuses get made and thrown.
They deserve better than that.
They deserve better than him.
December 4, 2007
Can it get worse? I'm sure it can!!
Seriously, today has not been a good day.
My leg is still in wicked pain, I have not gone to the ER to have it looked at, I can't really go, I have way too much to do and I'm screwing things up left and right because there's too much to do!
I take the jobs I get very seriously, sure I do them from home, but they are jobs and I treat them as such.
I try to do my best at all times, and today I screwed up big time.
I made a big mistake, and I know better, I knew not to do it, things were totally chaotic, my mind was on my job and my leg.
I was attempting to do it all like I do every other day, and I screwed up.
I mis-typed something and messed up.
No amount of explaining what happened seems to be sufficient.
It was entirely my fault, my mind was attempting to take care of business as usual, and I mis-typed some names and really just screwed it up.
I answer emails constantly from people requesting help on the forums, I answer them, I forward them to the people they need to go to, I help people with forum issues on 2 different forums, I help people with their work, I help people with their amazon affiliate accounts, blogs, hosting, I am constantly sitting here answering emails helping people, and I screwed up because I'm in pain and stressed out!
Yes I'm being hard on myself because I know better than to type what I typed, my mind was taking care of the job, and my fingers typed something else.
You know I don't mind helping people, I do it all day, all night long, I don't mind it, but today was just hectic, I am in pain, on the verge of tears because a friend got reprimanded for MY mistake and it's not right.
I was just trying to help like I do all the time, help people with the stuff they need to do, answer the questions they have because no one else replies to emails, and I screwed up.
I don't expect much, I do what's requested of me, I do what needs to be done, but ya know, an answer to my message on this issue would be nice because I'm sitting here feeling absolutely horrible about it knowing my friend got reprimanded, yet nothing at all has been said to me, the cause of the issue.
It was my mistake. I was doing way too much. I should have simply said I'm not on the clock today and just rested my leg, but I sat here and tried to keep up with it all anyway.
I don't want any pity, that's not what this is, I'm just venting because I screwed up, my fault, it should be addressed to me, I caused it.
Sometimes I can't do it all and mistakes happen.
December 4, 2007
Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Do you get depressed and overly tired in the winter months?
Like a sense of dread, severe boredom, nothing makes you happy?
You end up staying awake all night, sleeping all day, not getting anything done, you call it the winter blues?
It may be S.A.D. seasonal affective disorder.
I'm not a doctor, just someone who used to go through this very badly when I lived up north.
I would be absolutely miserable all winter long.
The short daylight hours, the long, long dark nights, absolutely miserable.
I would sleep off and on most of the day. If the boys who were small toddlers then, took naps, so did I.
I'd actually force a family nap because I needed the sleep, I just didn't want to be awake.
I would have every blind and curtain open during the day, attempting to get as much light in the house as possible, I would leave lights on all night, I would do anything I could to see sunshine, but up north, blah, there hardly was any.
The skies were always gray, snowy, gloomy, and inside, I was the same.
I had bad miserable thoughts, gained weight, I had no energy.
70-80% of S.A.D. people are women.
It's most prominent in people who live in increased latitudes, northern areas.
If I had known then about light therapy boxes, I probably would have tried one.
Since moving here to Florida, I haven't experienced the "winter blues" again.
It's sunny here all the time, even in winter.
We don't have those gray gloomy skies, we are not trapped in our houses by snow, just opening a single window's blinds, lets in so much sun, I don't feel the blues like I did up north.
I'm posting this because I have a friend who I think may be suffering the winter blues or S.A.D. She's become increasingly depressed, is tired all the time, sleeping all day, no energy or will to do anything, feeling like she's in a funk but can't figure out why.
I know she won't go see a doctor about it, but maybe if she just tries light therapy on her own, a few minutes a day to start in the morning, maybe it will help her.
I'm no doctor, already said that, but I mean it, she's freaking stubborn and hates doctors and hospitals, she won't go see one about this.
I just want her to feel better, it's not just some funk, it actually has a name that fits it's symptoms.
I emailed her a few links about it, I hope she at least checks it out and looks into a light box.
It might help her.
October 25, 2007
I should get paid for all this guinea testing.
I have a medical test tomorrow that starts a minimum of two weeks of medical testing.
Are ya jealous?!
You know you are!
Tomorrow I go for a hematology consult, $85 out of pocket.
What is the freaking point of having all this damn insurance if the doctors don't take it?!
I have the CT scan and Idium scan.
Then I have an appointment with a new to me medical group to find a new primary doc.
Then I have an appointment with a new gyno. (Oh the thrill of that fun-joy!)
Then, I get to go talk to a shrink for 3 hours for a psych eval, because people on pain meds for a long time, need to be checked out "upstairs".
We might just be crazy ya know?
Then all these results will be combined and sent to the respective doctors who will determine what to do with me.
My life is just grand I tell ya.
Fab-u-lous!
But I did go pick up the new sleeping pill.
30mg Restoril.
It's been swallowed, now I just hope it works.
So I avoided thinking about it all for a few hours tonight by watching the directors cut of 1408
It had a very different ending from the theater version, and I liked it, but not sure which ending I like better.
We also got The Reaping
After we got done with dinner and 1408, we played some more GH3.
The real game's release date is coming up, and we're getting so so excited.
The demo is fun, but it only has 5 songs, and I swear, if I hear hit me with your best shot, one more fucking time, I may injure someone.
Ok, lots of blogs and emails to try and catch up on. If I don't reply tonight, I'll get to ya tomorrow.
Promise.
I also need to plan tomorrow's guess the movie.
Tomorrow starts round 2, a whole new game, so you'll have to come and try to guess what it is, and beat our first round winner.
She's good, but I know there are other movie freaks out there!
Later days!
October 19, 2007
I may be having another surgery soon.
By soon, I mean 4 months from now.
Where do I even begin telling you about my day?
Let's start with the traffic from hell first.
We had to take I-75 to the Crosstown expressway, over to Howard. If we had known better, we could have just taken 275 and saved ourselves the trip from hell.
We were nearing our exit to hop on the crosstown when traffic came to a dead halt.
On the freaking bridge at I-75 and Riverview.
We thought this was the accident that had everyone stopped.
A white SUV had plowed into the back of a red car, totaled their front end, front wheel, and leaking all the cars fluids onto the highway.
See the white SUV and then the red car up ahead? Yeah, we thought that was the accident that held us in a parked position for an hour and 20 minutes.
This is what we and every other driver did that whole time, completely confused on why traffic was still stopped.
We parked our cars, shut off our engines, and got out to look around.
But this was the real accident that held us up.
A dump truck over turned and hit a jeep., or hit the jeep then turned over.
The entire drivers side is gone from the jeep, we saw a Bayflight copter come down, then take off again. No news on injuries yet.
I called my doc's office about 10 minutes till my appointment, after we had already been parked in traffic for nearly a half hour to tell them I would be late, no clue when I would make it. There were two accidents from what we could see, and we were stuck on the bridge with nowhere to go, bumper to bumper traffic in all the northbound lanes.
It sucked.
Major suckage.
So we finally get to my doc's office a full hour and a half later than my appointment, and they did the usual x-rays.
My fusion is solid (this is awesome news!) at the bottom, the location that fusions are most likely to fail if they are going to, but my left iliac screw, (the giant 4 inch screws that were put in my hips to stabilize the whole contraption) is broken.
We have some options, we can leave it in there if taking it out is going to cause me more problems, but it will most likely be coming out in about 4 months time.
Doc M. is going to a huge conference with other spine specialists next month and he's once again presenting my case. I have one of the longest fusions done, one of the longest surgeries performed. These other specialists are already aware of my case and are wanting a follow-up.
During this conference, he's going to talk to these other specialists to see what their opinion is on taking out the iliac screws.
Many of them have done it before, but because of my age and other factors, taking it out may not be in my best interest. It could cause me more pain in the future, but leaving it in could cause more pain too.
This screw that is broken is in my left hip, the hip I am always complaining about, the one that always hurts, the one that when it rains puts me in bed with a heating pad and doubling up on pain meds.
I guess we now know why it's been hurting that bad huh?
After my surgery in February 06', we discussed these screws, he said he could take them out in 4 years if they were still causing me pain, but we are looking at taking them out now, at the 2 year mark.
I'm really not sure how I feel about this.
It's another surgery, another recovery, another hospital stay.
I told Doc M. if taking them out is really going to cause me excessive pain in the future, just leave them in and I'll deal with the pain. Eventually the bone will fuse over the broken screw, and it'll just be a constant sore spot like it is now.
I don't know if I want to deal with another surgery. I don't know if I can mentally handle it, or how it will affect my sons to once again, have me in the hospital for a period of time, having to take care of themselves, shuffle back and forth between our own home and my sisters home during my stay.
And then the coming home and recovery issues again. I'm just really not too thrilled about the idea of taking them out. It's so much stress on my little family.
I asked him how it broke, did I do something wrong?
He said no, it's a stabilizer screw, this sometimes happens, but it did it's job. It held all the rods in place so the fusion of the sacral bones could happen, and it did.
I have a solid lower fusion all the way to S-1, and my upper area is fusing really well.
Not totally solid yet, but doing great, so my entire structure, T-3 through S-1, is doing excellent, but an iliac screw busted and we need to deal with that.
Is that the cause of my white cells being so high?
He doubts it, so I will be having what is called an Indium scan.
They remove some white cells, "label" them with radioactive stuff, inject them back in and watch where they go, to see if they can find the infection, or if there even is one.
If there isn't, the next step is the infectious disease people. (fucking suck!)
I also have to have a CT scan done on the lower lumbar and hip region so they can get a better look at the busted screw.
I need to do these tests within the next two weeks.
Then we started our way home, taking 275 instead, and got held up on yet another bridge (the Howard Franklin) for 30 minutes for a completely unknown reason.
This kind of traffic bullshit happens every single time I have an appointment with Doc M.
I hate bridges to start with, and getting stuck on them in bumper to bumper gridlock, is a nerve wracking nightmare for me.
So yeah, that's how my day was.
We obviously didn't make it back early afternoon like we needed to.
I'm kind of like in an ah fuck, not again, please not again mood.
I really don't want another surgery, but I don't want the pain to get worse if that's how it might end up, and I don't want them taken out if that will make it hurt worse in the future.
It's all in the hands of a group of spine specialists who are meeting next month.
If the majority say take them out, I'll be having them out, and going through a lot of this recovery shit again.
I don't really know how to feel right now.
September 28, 2007
2 jumpers, 1 lives.
This is the famous Sunshine Skyway bridge.
This morning, two different women attempted to take their lives from the top of the span.
Published: September 28, 2007TAMPA - One of two women who jumped from the Sunshine Skyway bridge this morning survived the fall, according to a news release from the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office on the separate incidents.
The woman, in her 80s, was found alive in the water by the Coast Guard after she jumped at 8:38 a.m. She was taken to Anna Maria Island.
The octogenarian parked at the south end of a span and left a suicide note in her car.
Another woman jumped over the rail at 7:22 and hit the rocks below, Carter said. The woman, in her 40s, parked her car in the center of the span and left a note inside.
Deputies are on scene. It's unknown if the two jumps were related.
I was just surprised to see an 80 year old woman try to end her life from the bride this morning.
I can only imagine why she felt like that was her only way out. She's lived a long life, and one has to wonder, what would bring her to the span this morning.
August 23, 2007
Let's add another doc to the mix.
Aaaarrrggghhh!!!!
Ok.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
*inhales deeply*
*exhales deeply*
Apparently I was already sick on Tuesday at the time of the blood tests, because my white cell count was through the roof again.
I tried explaining to doc F., that every single blood test I've had in the last year and a half, has shown elevated white count, but he was all nope, you have an infection somewhere and we need to find it.
Ok. Fine. No problem.
But I am not having another tube shoved down my throat and up my ass again.
No more scopy anythings!!!
And my hormones are all outta whack, so now I get to go see a hormone specialist who does NOT take insurance.
YAY!
*grrr*
It's going to cost me $150 per office visit.
Guess I need to start working more eh?
That really kinda sucks because there are just some paid blogging gigs, I just will not do.
But anyway, my testosterone is extremely low.
My testosterone level is at 15. It should be between 30-50 for women.
This means I have to take a testosterone supplement of some kind. I guess the new doc will decide which way it's going to be delivered.
Either patch, pill, or monthly injection.
I'm really not looking forward to that, because my hair already grows like a mofo.
Can you imagine adding more testosterone to me?
I'll be having to shave my legs every hour instead of every day.
That's going to suck.
Continue Reading �
August 16, 2007
Be present to your purpose.
I have been listening to some life coach cds lately, and also reading a few books on the subject.
I have been on a 'fix my life' kick, so I am looking to find ways to get myself, and my life back on track.
The cds are from Clay Nelson, a business and life coach, who has spent years developing and mastering techniques to help people and businesses, make better choices, be more productive, and find their purpose.
I need to find my purpose, and create my purpose statement in my life.
I don't really have one.
One of the tag lines of this blog which has generally described my life for many years is, trying to stay alive and do the best I can.
What the hell kind of purpose statement is that?
In order to find my purpose, I need to ask myself two questions.
They are;
What am I present to?
What am I missing?
Hrm.
I am present to my family. My sons are what keep me going most days.
They are the reason I do many of the things I do.
I work as much, and as hard as I can, to provide for them, make sure they are taken care of and have what they need.
What am I missing?
Ha! A lot of stuff, but I know that's not really what Clay means.
Or maybe he does.
Hrm.
I am missing my mobility, my ability to earn a decent income, which would make my life and my sons' lives so much easier.
I am missing someone to share life experiences with.
I know that having someone to share my life with is dependent on being 'ok' with who I am first, and I know I'm not.
Clay talks about looking in the mirror, and not just looking at our features, but at 'ourselves'.
There are days I cannot stand looking at myself, and it has nothing at all to do with how I physically look.
There are things about the way I speak, which others find troublesome.
I am often accused of being cold hearted, mean, and bitchy.
I am not though. It's an incredible assumption about me that has always been said about me, but is so terribly wrong.
I speak to people in a very direct and blunt manner.
I do not sugar coat anything for anyone, and it's so often mistaken as being a bitch.
Maybe I need to learn how to smile while speaking, maybe then, when I'm being incredibly honest, they'll think I'm being nice instead of a bitch.
I wonder if there's a cd on how to speak to people so they think being direct isn't being bitchy.
So perhaps their perception, their view, would be made to come across to feel better for them.
I'll have to look for one.
The second cd in the series was about fear, and not only how fear holds us back, but how it can also be a great motivator.
I've listened to it twice now, and will probably listen to it again and again.
It's clicking and making so much sense for me.
The cds are helping me to open my eyes, to really take a look at who I am, what I want, where I'm going, and where I am.
If you'd be interested in learning more about Clay, his cds, or his radio program, you can check out his site, Business and Life Coaching.
I'll be off listening to his cds again. The fear one, really is making so much sense, it's kinda scary.
February 21, 2007
Do you hear the words that are coming out of my mouth?
I sometimes wonder if people really hear themselves when they are speaking to others.
I know I can be a bit on the snarky side sometimes. My facial expressions actually say more than I do, but I've noticed some people who may not even realize how they come across to others.
If two or more people, all get the same impression from the way you speak, can you possibly be wrong about the intent of what you just said?
It amazes me sometimes that people will say, 'oh I didn't mean it that way', but everyone who heard it, all got the same idea from them.
Just something that crossed my mind just now. I think of weird stuff like this a lot.
I'm not so sure people really hear the words that are coming out of their own mouths.
February 15, 2007
Been very busy the last few hours.
I've been writing a very long entry for tomorrow, and I'm still not done.
I'll have to finish it in the AM though because I'm tired and bleary eyed.
I'm weepy too.
Tomorrow is my one year post op, and I promised myself and a few others, I'd recap my whole experience with scoliosis correction surgery.
All the gory details.
But as I was typing away, I started thinking about Trudy who lost her life this past week during her surgery.
I can't help but feel sad about it.
So many of us go in, and are hopeful of starting over, getting our lives back, and to pass away during the surgery, is just so unfair.
I was thinking and writing how unafraid I was, and that things were going to go smoothly and life would be great, and then I remembered how Trudy probably had the same hopes, the same nervous excitement, coursing through her.
I had to stop writing for tonight, I just couldn't do anymore.
It's all in draft and will be published tomorrow at some point.
My tears were making my already old and worn out contact lenses, really bad.
I need to go find something else to do, crying before bed is not the way to a good nights sleep. It will be filled with nightmares and all the what if it had been me dreams.
My successful one year anniversary is making me feel like I shouldn't write it all out, that it's wrong of me to talk about my success when someone near my age with young children, didn't make it through hers.
I feel guilty in a way for wanting to celebrate that I made it, that I'm doing great.
And I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do.
I can barely hold back my tears right now.
It's so unfair! If that mistake hadn't been made, she'd be here, her family would be visiting her, she'd be in her own brace and being told to log roll, and walking the hallways at her own hospital.
I want to offer hope to people going into this, I want them to see that even with all the risks, it's worth it.
That success does happen.
But I feel so guilty about celebrating that I made it.
I don't know if anyone can understand that, I don't even understand it, I just feel that way.
February 14, 2007
Betcha thought I slept huh?
Nope, not a wink all damn day.
I occupied myself with things on line, dishes, laundry, (that reminds me, put the sheets back on the bed you probably won't sleep in a again tonight) picked up around the whole house.
I rested between things, feeling exhausted, I figured I'd pass out sooner or later.
But nooooo.
I just laid there and stared around the room.
I'm just so damn tired.
We have had our pizza and wings, it's almost movie time.
Maybe I'll fall asleep during the movie.
That would be awesome.
January 27, 2007
I'm feeling rather fiesty today.
I have stress people, stress!
I really do understand that it's a really short visit and I wish it was longer so that everyone could have equal time, but it's just not possible.
I apologize that it's so short, one of these days we'll come up for 2 weeks, and everyone can have equal time with the boys.
It's very hard when you have 2 families who want to see them. You have no idea.
But complaining about it, makes Kat an unhappy girl. It makes me stress the fuck out.
I'm doing the best I can with the amount of time we have.
So please, chill out and be happy we are coming at all.
The cold weather is going to kill me, traveling is going to be hard. I know I'm going to be in pain because it hits 40 degrees here, and I'm doubling medication and using heating pads.
It's not gonna be easy for me to go everywhere, sleep in strange beds etc.
Chillax my families, we will spend as much time with everyone as we can. The boys are super excited and can't wait to see you. Please don't complain about the amount of time you get to see them. They just want to see you and hug you. They miss you, so don't make us feel bad ok? Thanks.
Continue Reading �
January 26, 2007
I'm starting to get stressed.
I could have filed this under ex-bastard, but I decided to just make it general because I have so much to say, so many thoughts going through my head.
I asked my family and a few others who know I'm coming back this coming Monday for 1 week, to not say anything to the boys father.
They have no desire to see him.
They haven't received so much as an e-card wishing them a happy birthday in about 5 years.
They get no contact with him even if they initiate it. When he does respond, it's full of hate towards me and him saying in those emails that he doesn't believe it's one of them emailing him, he thinks it's me every single time.
The boys give up for awhile and then try again.
Mark has been sending him messages on myspace for awhile now, just general hi, how are you stuff, talking about how he's doing in school etc.
If he gets a reply back, it's nasty and the stuff I wrote above.
This morning Shell sent me an email asking if the boys even wanted to see him. I said no, they haven't even mentioned him other than to say if he shows up at great grams, they may punch him.
In her email was a link to his myspace which I have had for quite some time.
I look at it every now and then, he has pictures of all the boys half siblings on it. Ethan, Austin, Six, and Cameron.
For the longest time, there have been no pictures of Mark and Sebastian on it.
As of 3 weeks ago, there were none.
This morning there are 2 pictures. 1 of Mark from Georges' wedding almost 2 years ago, and 1 of Sebastian from about 3 years ago.
He got those pictures off of my photoblog which I haven't updated in forever.
The captions under Mark's pic says; "My son Mark Jr. I hope to see you again, I miss you!" and under Sebastian's; "My boy Sebastian, I hope you are well. I miss you!"
This bothers me more than I even know how to put into words.
For years, they have gotten nothing from him, no recognition, no calls, cards, presents, just nasty emails when they contact him.
Suddenly, he's decided he loves them?
Suddenly, he's decided to include them in his life?
These pictures just went up sometime within the last 3 weeks.
I'm starting to worry that someone told him we are coming back home and he's decided to play daddy of the decade and show up at Gram's house to pretend he loves them.
His last encounter with the boys was about 6 years ago, Mark was 8, and his words from his father cut him like a knife and still do to this day.
"I'm sorry I'm such a shitty father, my band is more important."
Part of me wants to protect them from any more harm he may do, I don't believe he's changed. I don't believe that he suddenly cares for them, or claims he's loved them all these years. If he had loved them, his words to them in emails should have reflected that don't you think?
Maybe those words instead of being all hateful and calling their mother (me) a bitch, should have been 'I'm proud of you son for doing so well in school, thanks for letting me know, thanks for letting me be part of your life. I love you'.
It's always hate filled emails or myspace messages. It's never, ever been love.
The other part of me wants him to show up so that his sons who are the same height as me, and built like football players, can stand face to face with the man who said those things to them so they can tell him exactly what they think of his new found love for them.
Part of me wants Sebastian to walk up to him and slap him across the face as hard as he did when Sebastian was 2, causing our entire family to be investigated by CPS, including his own sister and the boys aunt, Heather. He blamed it on his girlfriend at the time, then when they didn't believe that, he blamed his sister, then he blamed me.
He convinced little Mark to tell CPS Freddy Krueger did that.
Our lives were in CPS hell for weeks and to this day, he has never admitted it was him, just constantly shifting blame from one person to the next.
But I'm their mother, the one who has raised them, cared for them taught them, truly loved them, protected them. I want to protect them from any more hurt he could do.
If he shows up, I honestly don't know what I will do or say, but I know he angers me so much for hurting his children the way he has all these years, and I may yell and scream, and even throw in a punch myself.
I know, people can change, but he hasn't. I stay in contact with his sister, I know what he still does. I know he still uses people for money and places to live. He controls people still, throws tantrums when things don't go his way.
He's still a liar.
Just looking at his myspace page lets you know nothing has changed with him.
He was born on September 1st, 1971. That makes him 35. His page says he's 30.
Lies.
I fear that if he sees them, he will lie to them and tell them all the things any kid wants to hear, that they are loved, have always been loved, try to pull the wool over their eyes.
But they know the truth. They have his myspace saved to favorites on their computer. They read it, they know there has never been pictures of them on it, or mention of them on it, they know he lies about his age, they see the band is still #1 to him.
Sebastian doesn't ever even mention him, doesn't care about his father one way or the other. He's blank when it comes to "dad".
But Mark, Mark is angry, and filled with rage over his father.
He hates him.
I don't think any amount of ass kissing will fix the damage "daddy" has done to him.
To be ignored by him all of these years, is painful and biting. When I told Mark that if he wanted, we could contact dad while there, his reply was no.
He said if he sees him, he will hit him.
Anger and rage fills him up inside and I can't fix it.
I let him know that their pictures on now on his fathers page, and he laughed. Said; "Gee, how nice. I love you too dad", in a totally sarcastic way. He rolled his eyes and walked away.
If while at grams, he shows up, the boys have said they want to leave. They want me to get Heather to drive us back to Ninny and Pop Pops house. If she won't, to call Shell. They are home today so we can get the house ready, make sure all the pets have what they need, pack etc. We leave Sunday.
They have no desire to be anywhere near him and that is his fault.
I can't make them love him. I can't make them be polite to him. He has hurt them so badly, they don't want to know him regardless of him posting pics with text saying he loves and misses them.
It's way too little, way too late.
I did send him a polite message saying if he wanted more recent pics, to contact me. Those ones are so old. I doubt that he will and if he does, I am prepared for the same old lines, 'you fucking cunt, I hate you blah blah blah.'
I want this to be a happy trip for the boys, not one that makes them get angry like the last time we were home.
People always complain we don't come home enough. This is why. This is one of many reasons. Money and cold weather are the others.
I am their mother and it's my job to protect them from harm. If he sees them, I am afraid for them. I don't bring them back because of him. The last time, it took me 2 years to get Mark back to being a normal happy kid. He was so angry for all that time because he was hurting.
I can't let him be hurt again. He doesn't deserve it.
January 25, 2007
She's wearing a blue shirt and pants.
That is the description a grandmother gave the cops and ambulance about her now missing 14 year old granddaughter.
I was walking to 7-11 to get some quart sized freezer bags and got pulled over twice.
A cop, coming from the opposite direction, swerves over into my lane. I'm thinking time to go into the speech about I know there aren't any sidewalks officer, but where am I supposed to walk?
He asked me if I just ran away from home.
I'm all what?
How old are you?
36.
Oh, you're not her.
Who?
There's a missing 14 year old girl, she's hurt, have you seen her?
No, what is she wearing?
A blue shirt and pants.
Uh? hair color, pants color?
That's all I know.
Oh, uh, well if I see her, I'll call you.
Ok thanks.
I keep walking and up behind me, pulls an ambulance.
Miss? Miss? We need to talk to you.
Hi.
Did you just run away from your grandmothers house on Olympia street? Are you hurt?
I'm 36. I'm wearing a black shirt and black jeans and a flannel mens jacket. Do I fit the description of the 14 year old that is missing?
Oh, uh, yeah, we are just asking everybody.
I got pulled over by a cop a few minutes ago, he told me. I haven't seen her but if I do, I'll call. We really could use a better description of this girl. Doesn't the grandmother have any pictures of her?
No. All we know is she's bleeding and ran out of the house.
Wow.
So I'm walking back from 7-11 after spending way too much on quart sized freezer bags, and a firetruck is driving behind me really, really slow.
I turned around and they said, ok, not her and drove off.
What the hell?
There's a bleeding 14 year old girl wearing a blue shirt and pants, somewhere in Sarasota right now, but nobody knows what she looks like or where she may be headed, and nobody has any pictures of her.
That is entirely messed up.
January 25, 2007
Blah I'm tired but not tired agin.
I am getting sick of this.
Hopefully, the freezing cold air of Maine will wipe me out and I'll pass out every night at 8pm.
I am so wound up, I actually feel like going for a walk or cleaning the house but it's after midnight and the kids have to go to school in the morning.
This is really sucking.
January 24, 2007
Remind me to go get some
1 quart ziploc bags.
I have to have those for the airport security.
Has anyone flown recently with the new liquids rule?
I need to know if I can take perfume with me.
I keep looking on the TSA site, and I guess I'm just not seeing it or something.
How has it been flying since the new security rules?
I know I have to take off my shoes, so I'm wearing my flip flops to fly in and packing my boots in my suitcase.
There is no way I can take them off and get them back on without a chair and 20 minutes to spare.
Flip flops it is!
When we get off the plane in New Hampshire and we wait for Shell to arrive, or if she's already there, everyone will just have to wait for me to put them on before I can go outside into the freezing coldness of New England.
We're starting to get antsy now. The boys have been counting down and are ready to just go now.
This whole trip is already starting to fill up with schedules, I honestly don't know how I'm going to do it all.
We have an actual count of 6 days to be there, 2 for traveling. That's not much time.
We have to fit in my parents, Gram and Heather, my brother and his kids are going to stop by 1 night, I'd like to be able to meet with Christine for at least lunch. I've known her for several years now through blogging, and it would be really nice to meet her in person.
Ack! Stress!
I know that Saturday the 3rd, is booked already. Shell and her hubby and son Michael, and the boys and I, are going snow tubing.
Ok, I'm not snow tubing. I'll be watching and taking pictures.
So here's what I'm thinking so far;
Monday arrive, stay with mom and dad till Wednesday, then go to Gram's for Wednesday night, visit with Heather at Gram's house all day Thursday, come back late Thursday afternoon.
Once back at mom and dad's, Mike can bring Helena and Mikey over to visit Thursday night or Friday night. Saturday, snow tubing.
See? Tight schedule.
I want to fit Christine in there somehow but I don't know how I'm going to do that.
Maybe Sunday for lunch somewhere?
And then we fly out Monday morning.
Sound like a plan?
There really isn't much time to do much else.
January 23, 2007
Somebody's in trouble when they get home.
I have my debit cards set up to text me a daily balance report at 9am.
I know exactly how much was in there yesterday when we came home from the store.
The text alarm goes off, and it's $5.95 less than what it should be.
I log in to check my statement on line and see a subscription for $5.95. That's all it says.
I think somebody was on Runescape and bought something.
Their pc is the pc I bought them a membership to that game with, so it saved my info obviously.
But who said they could do that?
They were on that game all night until bedtime so I know that's where it came from.
Grrr.
Somebody gonna be feeling some pain when they get home.
Other than that, I'm doing laundry, digging out winter clothes to throw in the laundry, burning mp3 discs so that 3 hours will go quickly for me, and basically bored.
I gotta go start the roast too. ooops.
January 22, 2007
One school down, many things to take care of.
We only have 1 week to get everything situated to go to Maine to visit the family, and there is so much to take care of.
I have to get the fish some of those week-long feeder tablets, and clean the tank.
Make sure sis has a key to the house so she can come feed the kitties after work.
Get out the suitcase and clean it off and out. I think I'm currently storing bed sheets in it.
Get another suitcase from sis for the boys to share.
Get all my paperwork and stuff ready for airport security.
That's going to be interesting.
I haven't flown yet with all of this hardware in, so I have no idea if I'm going to set off the metal detectors.
I have my card that says I might, I have my paperwork stating my disability so they don't put me in an exit row, and I'm going to print out a copy of my xrays so they can see exactly what is inside me if they don't feel like just taking my word for it.
I have to dig out all the warm clothes we have which isn't much. This is Florida. Winter here is only cold enough for sweatshirts.
I have a couple of sweaters, but I think all the boys have are sweatshirts.
Shell is trying to find some boots for the boys to wear, I have a pair so I'm all set with that.
They will need winter coats so she's working on that too.
So much to do. I'm not freaking out yet but I'm sure by the time Saturday rolls around, I'll be freaked out and running around like a chicken with my head cut off.
I have Mark's pre-excuse all set, he just needs to get it signed by all his teachers.
Sebastian's school called me back while we were out. Of course.
I didn't even leave the house until 2:30 and they called here at like 3:10pm.
Urgh. So now I have to try and do it again tomorrow.
January 11, 2007
I had this grand plan to wake up early this morning.
I really did. I was going to get up with the boys of course, then sleep again only until 8am, then get up and start cleaning, take a shower and do all kinds of other stuff.
I had things to do man!
Then insomnia struck.
I was wide awake and unable to close my eyes until 5am.
The boys get up at 5:45.
Ugh.
So they left and I slept until 8:30.
That's not a lot of time to sleep at all.
I'm gonna be dragging butt all day and none of what I wanted to do is going to get done at all.
That kinda sucks.
I'm thinking it was the anticipation of all that I had to do, like I psyched myself up for everything, and so my body and mind were all hey, ho, let's go! (Ramones reference. I do not consider myself a ho thankyouverymuch)
But I am going to attempt to do at least half of what I had planned anyway. Things must get done!
I just wish I didn't feel like passing out now. *sigh*
November 3, 2005
Not fair man.
I absolutely love lollipops.
Blow charms are my fave.
I love the gum in the middle cuz it's not really gum, it's like some sort of rubbery sweet sticky thing but it dissolves so it's not real gum.
But anyway, I love these things and the teens got mega pops for trick or treating and so to stop myself from smoking too much and to attempt to stay away from the snickers, (mmm, snickers) I ate two of these this morning. Not within minutes of each other, like maybe an hour apart.
But now, because my diabetes likes to completely fuck with the simple joys, I now have a mega sugar headache. My vision is blurry, (thank you spell checker) and my hands are shaking and I feel like I'm gonna vomit.
It's just not fair man.
October 19, 2005
A cigarette would be good right about now.
No smokes.
No chocolate.
No cat food.
No cat litter.
No toilet paper.
No fucking desperately needed, highly expected money.
I am not having a good day.
I am highly annoyed.
Slightly pissed off.
Upset.
Untrusting.
Disbelieving.
I could go on here with all kinds of shit that is really grating on me today but I'll spare you how aggravated I am with people from all the fuck over.
People here, there, everywhere, holy, players, liars, freaks, whores.
What you see is what you get.
I have no reason to play the fool, the idiot, the psychotic loser who is so desperate for my attention, approval, or more information, that she can't help but find new ways of contacting me.
What for?
To try and explain with a lie the game she played to garner more approval from others at my expense?
Then to cry, piss and moan how mean everyone is to her and oh please, be kind to me today, my life is rough, I cried.
I cried too thinking I had done wrong, somehow, in some way, I ruined friendships of those I respected, but it was her, spinning webs and placing words.
And now she seeks to contact me through many means and I laugh and then wonder, just how many voices does she hear? How does she keep all the lies straight or doesn't it matter anymore? How does she know so much or better yet, why does she care so much about what/where/who everyone is doing all the time.
Live a life of your own.
I really need a fucking smoke.
P the fuck S!!!!
Continue Reading �
October 5, 2005
Total suckage.
My day sucked. Ran around like a mad woman getting shit done. Paid the bills.
Took care of business stuff.*
I'm tired, I'm sore, no one to play with online. That sucks. I just want to be silly now that all the pissy stuff is over with and none can play with me. Too busy, working, sleeping. Fine, whatever.
I keep making mistakes. I'm screwing shit up and I don't mean to. I don't know why this has to be so hard ya know?
Girl likes boy.
A lot.
Girl talks to boy when she can.
Boy plays games.
Beats around bush, is complicated
Girl sticks foot in mouth.
Repeatedly.
Says dumb shit.
Really dumb shit.
Good god someone shoot me.
Continue Reading �
May 11, 2005
Whine, whine, whine....lol
Today has been a better day in regards to yesterdays crap anyway.
I caught a head cold though. Snot, congestion, slight fever so took some Nyquil at like 8am and promptly passed out until sometime around noon.
Not much else has been happening really.
I called and spoke to Sebastians attorney, things are moving again.
Why do people evade subpoenas? Why do they run from the law man? Don't they know that that is actually worse for their case then just coming forward and doing it the first time? Sheesh.
I have to call my disability attorney at 4 and get an update on my hearing. This is one long process but in the end, I know it will be in my favor because I was denied an out of area surgeon in Miami. Got the letter today. The 6th one.
I cannot go to Miami University hospital for them to even look at my back. That probably means I can't go to Shands or U of Florida either. They will not let an out of area doc look at me and no locals will touch my spine with a 100 foot pole so I'm slowly coming to terms with what will be my future.
I cried a little bit but I haven't given up hope yet. I am going to keep pressuring the insurance company for help and maybe even get a state rep or two involved if I get denied again.
Lifetime welfare benefits are only 5 years and with the disability hearing taking so long, I could easily go past the 5 year mark. They would have to continue to support me and I don't think they want to do that. That would require a state hearing wherein I could go and show the state court exactly how many times I and my doctors requested a surgeon and how many times it was denied. That wouldn't look very good now would it?
It's so funny to me sometimes how our governor and legislature would get involved and try to take custody of a comatose brain dead woman which would have cost the tax payers of this state millions of dollars over her lifetime for care yet they won't let me see a surgeon in Miami so that I could work again and be self sufficient. My surgery wouldn't cost nearly as much as that would have. Not even close, less than $60,000, yet I can't even go down there for an simple evaluation.
Don't you all find that a little odd?
It amazes me whose quality of life is considered more important.
Maybe I should email Jeb, tell him I'm a good Christian mom and beg for his help. Think that would work? 
So, on with my day.
Later days.
May 10, 2005
I officially declare today Asshat Tuesday.
That is all.
May 6, 2005
When I'm wrong, I'm wrong as sin.
When I'm right, I'm right as rain.
It's pouring.
May 5, 2005
Dear powers that be;
You can stop the bullshit any time now.
How many bad days in a row are you gonna give me?
Later.
May 4, 2005
Yesterday is over.
Thank whoever too cuz it was hellish.
As if you couldn't tell right?
The whole day was just a pain in the ass right from the word go.
Give Sebastian a day off and watch him tear your brain out.
It started before we even left the house with him.
He was loud, he was rude, he was obnoxious. Mark made it worse by being a typical brother yelling at him and calling him names and the whole day was the 2 of them arguing with each other all damn day.
Things just got progressively worse when we got home too.
Whatever people.
Have it your way. I don't fucking care anymore.
Run wild, act like asses, do whatever the hell makes you feel like a winner I say.
If it makes you feel good to sit here and spy on me instead of speak to me, do that. Good for you. Rock the fuck on.
The only good things about yesterday is I got the wedding present I set out to get, actually got the kids teeth cleaned on the 4th try, the lady at the corner store out in the bad place gave us an extra box of fried chicken to take home cuz we had to sit and wait for a bus for 45 minutes.
We bought a 10 piece cuz we had to wait so long and I figured food would settle them down and get them to chill out.
We ate it and then sat in the heat for almost an hour for our bus to go home getting called names.
We hear her yelling at us to come back over there so we go back over and she says take this home. You've had a horrible day. So whatever that term means, she knows its a bad thing too.
The chick at Bed Bath and Beyond at the Pavilion, needs to like either quit her job or loosen the fuck up.
It took her all of 2 seconds to print out the gift registry and less than a minute to gift package it. Sorry if it ruined your whole fucking day bitch to have to do your fucking job.
Frankly I was her easiest customer in line and oh so sorry she had to put my present in a gift bag, stuff in some tissue paper and tie a fucking bow on it. The woman behind me had like 12 things to return all without a receipt. Get over it. It's your job. Be happy you have one at all.
The kids argued over who was gonna feed the cats when we got home, who was gonna change the litter, who was gonna bring in the recycle bins.
Who was gonna call their aunt to make life easier and no it didn't make it easier. It didn't resolve anything at all.
I'm not trash talking Mr. Spy. I'm talking about my life, how I feel. If you don't like the way I feel, go away. No one asked you to sit here in judgment of me. No one asked you do anything.
You wanna help? Stay out of it. It's none of your business at all is it? Oh wait, yeah it is. Pardon me.
I forget that whatever happens and I write it down is for other people to fix and sit and judge.
The kids are getting ready for school, I have an order to do and some ideas to tackle. I also have some dishes and some housecleaning, some stuff to post on the many places I go to, my life keeps moving.
Later days.
May 2, 2005
Hi. I'm having a VBBD.
I'm just not physically ok today.
I need to rest as much as possible because I have so much to do this week. Oh my god, this week sucks.
Tomorrow, first thing in the am, get up, go to the ATM, go to the bus, ride for 45 mins, pay water bill, walk about 1 mile, pay elec bill, wait for bus to come home, get back home, get boys ready to go to the dentist again (they better do it this time or someones gonna die), go to bed bath and beyond and get Amy and George a wedding present, come home, go to post office and mail everything out.
Wednesday, iron and hem Marks suit, get all the cat hair off of it too.
Thursday, get Mark all the way downtown at 6pm for rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. This is quite a feat since the buses stop running at 6:30. He won't be home until after 11pm.
Sebastian and I may just get stuck downtown for the night. Yay.
Friday, Get everyone ironed, pressed, cleaned up, teeth brushed, deoderized, grab wedding present, borrow camera from Laura (Thank you Laura!!!) ride buses all the way downtown, go to happy joyous occasion, take pics of my baby all grown up and in a suit handing over the rings for his Big George and his new wife Amy, take pics of all of them together. Walk to the reception hall. Have fun at the reception, wish them good luck, beg someone for a ride home.
Sometimes, I hate my life. Before you even ask why I'm taking buses and begging for rides home etc, sis was supposed to go to the wedding with us. She's still mad, so we walk and take buses. I don't care anymore. Grr. Ok, I do care. It makes it kinda hard for Mark. She promised she'd get him to the wedding and stuff on time and everything but cuz she's pissed at me, too bad for Mark. I think I'm just gonna make him wear shorts and stuff for the ride down, go early and carry his suit in the garment bag so it doesn't get wrinkly and smelly on the bus.
So anyway, I have mega stress this week. I think I'm just gonna chill out most of today and watch Finding Neverland. Didn't watch it last night cuz DH was on and I never miss DH. Susan is gonna get hurt people!!! GAH!!
Later days.
April 29, 2005
Oh this weekend is gonna be great!
NOT!
Ok, Mark is in a pissy mood cuz he has to go mow the lawn and his friend Mikey is busy so he can't come hang out or Mark go over there so he's all tude up in my space and I'm ready to choke him to death and he's only been home since 2pm.
Sebastian just completely did the litter boxes half assed so i just wasted money on cat litter.
He only dumped half of it out and poured new litter over the top like I wouldn't notice that at all.
Can I kill them?
Man, this is gonna be one long weekend if this shit keeps up.
April 29, 2005
That was fast.
I just ordered my amazon stuff on the 25th late at night and it showed up today! yay!
My moms film, Sebastians birthday present, shhh it's hidden. 
And my 10 pack of vac bags.
I ordered a 10 pack because I'm an obsessive cleaner and they were 10 for $7.99 which is a way better bargain than the $4.99 for 2 I was paying at the hardware store which was the only place in SRQ that carried my vacs actual bags.
When generic vac bags say they fit your Dirt Devil D vac, they are full of shit. They are either too small or the opening is in the wrong place. I modified with duct tape too many cheapo bags. So I have real bags at a cheaper price and my floors are clean.
I know I said I wasn't going to clean anything today but I am antsy as well as sore and I can't help it.
I need to do the bathroom in a bit here. Two boys are really gross. That hole is huge, how the hell do boys miss all the time?
Or! Oh my god, I hate this, they piss with the seat down, get pee all over the seat and then close the lid. No flushing either.
So you go in, open the lid, there's piss on the lid, seat and a whole bowl full of it.
I hate it!!
I always yell at them, "whoever was the last one in here better get that little tinkle machine of theirs back in here and clean this up!"
9 times outta 10, it's Sebastian.
And he laughs.
Stinkerbutt.
Ok so Karri, your jewelery is going out tomorrow morning priority mail. Mom and dad, your film is gonna have to wait until Tuesday cuz I have mega stuff to do this weekend to get ready for Georges wedding and stuff. Jenni, I'll get your ring to you on Tuesday too.
I'm like frantic thinking about the wedding.
I have to go pay the elec bill on Tuesday morning, take the kids to the dentist again at 1:30 Tuesday, go to Bed bath and Beyond and get Amy and George some kind of present. Luckily they registered there and the stuff they put on their list isn't that expensive so I can get them a gift. They have been so awesome to Mark and me. I can't even tell you. Mark is becoming a good young man because of me and because of George. Big Brothers is a great program people. If you're a man and you can spare a few hours a week, please do this. It makes a huge difference.
Ok, off track there. I need to buy a cheap disposable camera for the wedding. I was going to use my sisters digital but she hasn't spoken to me in a few weeks and that's fine. Be mad. Feel sorry for my kids. Whatever. My kids are awesome. They are smart and funny and polite and kind and generous and caring and so no matter how much members of my family think I'm a fuck up and a shitty mom, my kids prove otherwise so there.
Bitter much Kat? You betcha. I'm so tired of people hanging onto old things I did in my past. I am not that person anymore and we all make mistakes but it seems I'm the only one who those mistakes are the be all end all in my family.
It doesn't matter one fucking bit what anyone else has done, oh hell no, only me. I am the fuck up in the family and certain members will never ever let me live those mistakes down even if the shit they did is 10 times bigger than what I have ever done right bro?
Man, this started off in happy direction and went south. I have issues as you can see and sometimes they bubble and surface and burn at my soul.
March 26, 2005
Paypal Notice part 2.
The switch of accounts has been made.
You can now use both mysinglemomlife(AT)msn.com and mysinglemomlife(AT)gmail.com to send jewelery payments, text ad payments and blogad payments again.
And right now, if you buy a 1 month blogad, I'll give you 1 month free.
There will not be a donate button on the site anymore and if you did use the donate button in the last 24 hours, request a refund ASAP. And if you could, use my email address to let me know so that I can make sure your money is refunded.
It's just something I needed to do for my own peace of mind and the way things are around here, I just had to take care of business if you know what I mean.
Tomorrow while easter dinner that I never wanted to make cooks, I'm going to get cracking on some jewelery pieces that I have been meaning to do for a few weeks now but my home life has been very pre-occupied with home stuff and it came in the way of my business.
I need to go through the house this week and organize things for my yard sale with Tiffany next Saturday.
I have a 17" color tv with remote, toys, baseball cards (I have a box with something like 300 baseball cards in it. No clue who or what years. I don't like baseball. They were given to me.), pots, pans, appliances etc etc. All kinds of stuff I have been accumulating for a long time now. I hope to make a decent amount. Maybe like $100 or something I guess. I'll put it away and save it for when I need it to pay rent and bills and stuff if things get rough.
I can always cash in movies and cds at Boogie Woogie again too if/when I get desperate for bill paying cash.
I am going to go through the kids clothes and stuff that doesn't fit and is still in good shape will go on the sale too. I have an N64 with about 6-7 games all in perfect working order with controllers etc.
Lots of stuff to get rid of.
I also want to make a bunch of jewelery and set it out there to sell.
I have a plan dammit and this little speed bump is not going to get me down this time.
I just wish I had a definitive date so I could plan even better.
I hate flying by the seat of my pants but I hope to get an answer to that date question soon.
March 26, 2005
Thanks everybody.
Man, have I been in a funky fucked up way lately or what?
Things just were not, still mostly not ok.
Some things just did get resolved to a point and then a realization that a friendship is completely, utterly, over, came on me like a ton of bricks.
Finito.
That's ok. I knew it was over. I knew months ago it was over. I just didn't allow it to really settle in and affect me and I just did and part of me is sad and part of me is like WTF? How the hell did it come to this? Could I possibly be to blame for all of it and ya know what?
I'm not.
I do not and will not ever feel guilty for putting my kids above everyone else in my life.
My family is always the most important thing on my mind and no amount of money or time with anyone else could ever take the place of my boys.
Yes things are gonna get hard on me again in about 6 months. Really hard. Maybe by then I will finally be having my surgery and starting to recover so yeah, it's gonna be a bitch to have to start everything over and find a new roommate but at least now, I have a definitive answer to whether or not she was moving out. I can start planning for 6 months down the road.
I can start attempting to save money from jewelery sales and have a few yard sales and more babysitting etc until then.
It's gonna suck but I did what needed to be done and she is doing what she needs to do. This friendship has been over for months now and we have both just been sorta faking it. At least now we know where we stand, no more lies and no more attempts to make anyone feel better with stupid touchy feely crap so no one gets upset.
Honesty is always the best policy and that is all I have ever wanted from the people in my life.
December 23, 2004
I just feel like sharing in light of recent events.
Back when I was a fairly new mom, I went and saw a counselor. I was tired and frustrated. My now-ex husband was cheating on me left and right and never around. I was raising one baby and carrying another.
I admitted to having spanked my little boy quite hard.
CPS was called and I was investigated. I went to parenting classes, I answered questions, I complied. They dropped the case as unfounded.
A few years later, a day care worker called CPS on me because Sebastian had a bruise on his butt. Mark had smashed him with a toy and when the CPS worker came to the house, she saw for herself that Mark hit his little baby brother with toys, his hands etc. Case dropped the first day.
I also went through CPS again after my ex-husband smacked Sebastian in the face.
I have been through the CPS stuff 3 times now and it isn't fun, I don't wish it on my worst enemy and would never do it to someone else unless I truly believed or saw with my own eyes, a child being abused.
I get anonymous emails about once a month telling that I am going to have CPS coming after me and I rarely talk about the boys anymore. I talk about fun stuff they do, grades, health, school but never much do I mention punishments of any kind and it's because some do gooder person out there was mad at me for some shit on a parenting site I was a member of about 2-2 1/2 years ago and she threatened to have my kids removed from my life.
I've had stalkers, crazies, loons, better parents than me all over my shit since becoming a blogger and on the opposite end of the spectrum, I was fired from a job because I couldn't go in to work because my child was sick. I was told and I quote, "my priorities were in the wrong order."
Good parent, bad parent, trudging along right in the middle doing the best you can, someone else will always have an opinion.
I have learned that if you don't want your own words used against you, don't say them.
No, it doesn't make it better or easier and venting parental frustrations is a bitch because you are trying to get advice from others. You just have to carefully use your words.
Wrong or right.
December 1, 2004
I'm going to ask for help and I don't care who gets mad at me.
The cat has not expelled anything else from her body.
I have to wait until 48 hours has passed which will be tomorrow at 3:30 and if she has not expelled any dead kittens or sacs or whatever, I have to get her to a vet or she could die if there are dead kittens inside of her.
I do not have the money to save her life.
I made several phone calls today and the cheapest vet I found wants $140 for an office visit and an xray to see if there are dead kittens inside of her and then more if they have to remove them.
The boys have fallen in love with this cat since we took her in and when I told Sebastian that I would have to take her and drop her off at the humane society to save her life, it devastated him. He cried and screamed and told me to to take his $50 that his nana and pop pop gave him for Christmas to save her so he can keep her.
This cat loves him and sleeps with him and this would crush him.
I know pets die. It happens. It's a part of growing up but maybe it doesn't have to happen to him just yet.
If you want to or can help us with the vet bill, even just a buck, please help us save her and get her looked at at least.
Maybe she only had the one, we don't know. I can't tell and the only way to know is to get her to a vet.
If you can spare a buck or two, please help.
November 30, 2004
Ring a ling, hear them ring.
It's that time of year again.
Time for the Salvation Army bell ringers with the red kettles to be outside your favorite stores ringing their bells.
I was on a forum last night and I admit that I got very mad at one of the posters because the poster was absolutely giddy with glee that Target stores will no longer allow the SA to stand outside of their stores which is fine, but her reasons for being so giddy were downright pathetic.
No amount of explaining the rules of a charitable organization helped.
She was convinced that the SA were nothing but a bunch of crooks and thieves.
All because they failed to help her one year.
Continue Reading �
November 27, 2004
I'm basically in video game hell every time he sleeps over.
The boys have now been playing the PS2 since 7pm.
This is a long ass time for me.
Sure, there is nothing on our cable less tv but repeats of it's a wonderful life etc but man, am I bored to death.
And they are loud.
Not just the game being loud but the boys playing the games are loud.
I just don't really have the patience for it right now.
I'm in a bit of pain cuz it's slightly cold and rainy and my arthritis in my hips and knees is just flared up and no amount of anti-inflam or pain reliever seems to be helping.
Can you imagine me back in a state that is cold for 9 months if this little bit of cold is killing me?
Oh yeah, I'd be bed bound all winter.
Whatever.
I think I'm just gonna go have one last cig, read another chapter and hit the bed.
Later days.
August 16, 2004
People often say to me,
Kat, why are you such a cynical bitter bitch? Why do you hate people so much?
I'll tell you why.
I have been burned far too many times to give a shit anymore.
And it's so hard, conflicting for me if you will, because when I needed help, you all came through for me and kept me going until things were sorted out and I could do it on my own again. I am so grateful for that help, I still get teary when I think what would have happened had you all not been there for me.
I opened up my home yesterday to a young man, a total stranger to me, who had been kicked out of his home.
I offered my couch, my food, my phone, my help to find a place to live.
ex-roommate called to ask if I needed anything when she came home from work and I said a newspaper so we could see the full classified section. The one online only prints about 50 out of the full listings of places to rent and I had already gone through those and printed out ones that were #1 affordable, and #2, in semi-decent neighborhoods. I didn't want this nice kid moving to the ghetto.
I made tons of phone calls while he was at work. I gave him lists and numbers when he got here, offered my food, my shower, which he took me up on by the way, talked about a game plan, talked rent prices, talked about how tough this is to go through but here's what I had done to help him out.
He had his 18 year old girlfriend with him and she insisted that they go get something to eat.
Fine, cool. I figured they would go to the store and get sandwich stuff ya know? Try to save money being homeless and all.
As ex-roommate was walking home from work at 8pm, she saw them and said hello and asked where they were going.
Applebees.
Um. Aren't you homeless? Aren't you with no place to live and should be trying to save every fricking penny you have so that when you find a place by the friday deadline I gave you, you can afford to move in there?
So we sat and waited for the kid who I had not given a key to, to come back.
10pm.
11pm.
12 midnight at which point I put all his stuff outside with a note that read:
This is not how you treat people who were trying to help you. You don't go out to eat and then stay out all night spending money when you are homeless and should be saving it. You should have gone to the store and bought stuff for sandwiches instead of wasting money. I opened my home to you, a complete stranger to me, made phone calls, looked through want ads for an apartment for you and you stayed out all night. I am sorry, but this is not how you treat people. My family and I are tired of waiting and have gone to bed.
1am still not here and at that point, I really said fuck you and went to bed.
I got up at 7am and went outside where I placed his suitcase, his carry on bag and his publix bag with his toiletries in it, the note and the whole classifieds section.
Everything was gone but the classifieds.
He never even took them.
I am usually a good judge a character. I can usually spot an asshole a million miles away.
This one tricked me.
This one had no feelings at all for a stranger who took them in and offered help and shelter and food and hot showers. I wanted nothing from him. I wanted no money, nothing. I wanted to help.
I got burned and feel used and I wonder what time he finally did come back to find the door locked.
This isn't a fucking hotel and it isn't his families home. This was a stranger and he should have had some respect for that kindness.
I questioned whether I did the right thing by setting it all outside and locking the door but I find it completely careless and fancy free that he was out spending money on a big dinner when he was homeless.
Maybe I'm just a bitch but I don't fucking care right at the moment.
To make me wait all night before I could lock up my home was rude and inconsiderate and to waste money when he should have been saving every penny to find a new home by friday just chapped my ass.
I'm sure it will be a very hard lesson for him to learn, having no where to go at whatever time he showed up here in the middle of early morning hours. I'm sure that was a hard thing to face. But you don't treat people like that.
You don't treat them like a hotel when they were trying to help you find a place to go and live and shit.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fuck you.
July 26, 2004
I am Kats insanity.
I am very tired and very cranky.
I have more going on than I can or want to handle.
I am just feeling very overwhelmed with everything and everyones needs, wants and complaints.
I am doing the very best I can under the circumstances and it is very hard for me to understand things that people do, say, feel when I have been under far more pressure than anyone can even imagine.
I guess you could say that I have lost my ability to sympathize at this point.
My back is probably the worst that I have felt it in several months.
My mom sent me some patches and I suppose under normal circumstances, they would work but right now, I can't feel that they are doing anything at all.
I have over done things way more than I should have and I know I shouldn't over do things but as any mom can attest to, if you don't do it, who the fuck will?
You can ask until you are blue in the face, scream, yell, beg, plead, but it still doesn't get done and then people wonder why mommy is shooting daggers with her eyes.
I am not making any excuses for my bitching at all.
I am a bitch to begin with and most people know this. I just can't handle certain things at certain times and I snap like the last straw that hit the camels back.
I am not perfect. Far from it but I need people to work with me, get on the same train, think logically, not irrationally.
I don't talk to hear myself talk. I speak when I feel the need. I do not talk just for the sake of talking which I suppose is a major reason I was never a girly girl. I can't sit and gossip or talk non-sensibly for any length of time.
I am quiet and observant and speak when the mood or topic is called for.
One thing I hate more than anything in the world is when someone speaks to me as soon as I wake up or as soon as I come home from wherever.
I need that first 10 minutes of silence.
It's like the golden rule of household harmony.
If you think you might forget to tell me something, write it down and hand me the note.
So in closing of this ramble of thoughts, blogging life will resume when I remove the stick from my own ass.
April 14, 2004
Whas' up?
I woke up this morning with a killer migraine so after the boys left, I went back to sleep to try and kill it.
It's mostly gone now.
Mark and I had quite a long talk last night about a few things, his dad whom he now calls 'it'. The kid can't even call him dad. He read through those emails and was like how how can he keep blaming you when he is the one that starts this shit all the time. Yeah, he swore. I didn't get mad at him though because he's just a hurt kid who has an asshole for a father.
And don't tell me I should not let him read that stuff or hide it from them. I hid his behavior from them for years even going so far as to buy them gifts at xmas and stuff and sign 'love dad' on them. I stopped protecting him awhile ago.
I couldn't apologize enough.
I feel so guilty for bringing them into this world with him as their father and I know that they wouldn't be the same kids if it would have been a different man but damn, why did he have to such a breeding bastard.
He (ex) asked me in his last snotty email, how I can possibly know anything that goes on up there when I live down here.
I still have friends there, family, I know a lot of people and we stay in touch. News travels to me.
So I get to find things out without having to lift a finger.
This part of the post is brought to you by the letter 'S' and the number '6'.
Continue Reading �
April 1, 2004
Tibbar tibbar.
See, that's what it was.
I didn't say rabbit rabbit first thing this morning so my day just went to hell from there on out.
So goodnight and tibbar tibbar.
